Can you tell readers how this tastes without sounding like you've eaten waaay too much of it?

​Have you become a connoisseur of magic brownies? Do you have strong opinions on whether indica or sativa makes for a refined caramel? The Bay Area is home to an astonishing array of legal, artisan pot edibles, and we're interested in finding someone who can help other readers discern the delicious from the merely doped up. (Read some of our past coverage here.)

We're looking for weekly or biweekly posts from a writer who knows his or her way around our local dispensaries. You need to have a valid prescription for medical marijuana and show prowess in writing about what you're tasting. (We'd be willing to let you use a pseudonym, if you're worried about your boss finding out.) If you qualify for the job, e-mail jobs@sfweekly.com. Write "Pot Edibles" in the subject line, and include two clips or links to food-related posts you have written.

mama's munchies

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When SFoodie heard about Mama's Munchies, a local bakery producing hash-infused sweet potato pies, we felt compelled to spread the word. Ms. Kia, the company's owner, produces small batches of Southern-style, medicated pies (legally under CA Proposition 215) for those with a physician's recommendation.

After watching a close family member suffer from debilitating pain for several years, Kia was inspired to adapt an old family recipe for the Bay Area medical marijuana community.

Mama's Munchie's sweet potato pies are currently available at Purple Heart Patient Center in Oakland, with plans to expand into other dispensaries after this week's company launch party. Want an invitation to the party?

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Granny Greenleaf's "Lil Velvets." The Pumpkin Harvest Delight got scarfed before we could get a shot.

​If you replaced the word "sailing" from Christopher Cross's 1980 easy listening tour de force with the word "Oaksterdam," it would tickle so good.

Especially now, as the smells of autumn come rolling in. Sure, it's mixed in with a little tear gas and urine and bodystank, but I can clearly detect the flavorful scent of Granny Greenleaf's Pumpkin Harvest Delight wafting in over all that mess!

The ingredients of this delightful snack get the panties wet: 1.6 grams of Sour Diesel-infused sativa cannabis butter, punpkin, raisins, craisins, pecans, walnuts, almonds, sugar, dark brown sugar, egg, vanilla, salt, and pumpkin pie spices! Don't know about y'all, but my unmentionables moisten just thinking about all these magical items coming together in such a harmonious way.

It's only 10 bucks. You can find it in the East Bay at just about every medical marijuana spot. The box tells you when the treat was baked (my little pumpkin lovin' was born on el Dia de los Muertos!), and as long as you keep it refrigerated, a nibble a day of this delicious goodie will change your whole perspective on the fall season.

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DF Dickerson

Bliss Edibles' powerful turtle bar.

​Thirteen bucks well spent: After taking just one bite out of a Medical Cannabis Turtle Bar Bliss, my nipples began to glow.

My first thought was "But wait, I'm a bear." No, not a Cal fan. Not Yogi. I'm a pleasantly roly poly, bearded bear. My second thought: Hold up -- I'm not a bear! I fuck bears, I'm just not so sure if I am counted among them, especially now that bears shapeshifted into big-titted muscle queens.

Allow me to say I know what you're thinking here: hunh? This is what Turtle Bar sets the mind to. Pecans, halved and toasted. Sweetened condensed milk, brown sugar, cannabis butter, corn syrup, vanilla, and salt, all mixed together on low heat until BOOM, vanilla caramel.

I'm imagining my young culinary chub dipping the nuts and medical-cannabis caramel into some warm milk chocolate, then letting it cool and feeding it to me slowly.

There's more to say about Bliss Edibles, and we'll get to all that in a minute, but my brain is preoccupied with bears, instead, and this idea: That, years ago, having dipped my toes into every shade of the LGBTQ spectrum, I used to feel much more at home in our little bear caves, but our subculture, which used to be so masculine-identified and all-inclusive, has become way too bitchy.

Seriously, when I go to Bearracuda, those fat bitches are looking at me like I'm Carrie at the prom.

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​ Sometimes weed just isn't enough. Sometimes, daddy wants to get fucked up. Just like the first two sentences of this post, you alienate people. Your kids are buckwild and rude. Your boss won't go to bat for your paycheck. The pigs stuck you trying to hop a free ride on MUNI again. Can I get a witness?

For the medical marijuana consumer who is more Psycho Dad than skinny jean, here's some cannabis-flavored alcoholic beverages specifically designed to help you relax your chest hairs after another long week of OMJesus...

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WorthTheWhisk

Not what we mean by flour-pot edibles.

​Cannabis butter. Love it, but unless I make it myself, I end up suffering from Geicoschizophrenia. Yeah, Geico. You know, somebody's butter will make you feel like a witty lizard, or a metaphor man on a microphone, or a disenfranchised caveman. I need more consistency with my cannabis edibles.

Revelation: you don't have to use weed butter to bake an amazing medical marijuana meal!

Duh, perhaps, from those well-versed in special herbs and spices, yet you'd be surprised at how many happy-go-lucky folks I've met whose eyebrows lift with intrigue after this announcement. Cannabis flour works the same way you'd use a good ol' bag of cooking flour. Think homemade biscuits and pancakes, or the batter base for some fried buffalo wings.

Whipping up some cannabis flour of your own is as easy as the Humpty Dance. But to do it right I recommend using the dry leaves you get from a growhouse after the trim session. Ask around: Chances are you're just six degrees of separation from a quiet garage that's just dying to get the excess leaves and shake out as soon as that last nugget is clipped.

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D. F. Dickerson

​For weed, this is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, the Gold Rush of the grow. The epic tides that are eating away at pot's Prohibition have changed the world of edible cannabis just as dramatically.

The brownie's reign as the ultimate weed snack has come to an end.

From the Haight to Oaksterdam, the pot caramel has become the preferred munchie-inducing morsel potheads -- sorry, I meant patients -- have come to adore.

I can't blame them. Unlike its clumsy fudge predecessor, which often contained too much butter, or weed butter that was the product of moldy leftovers and chemical burns, the caramel always has the right dosage, texture, and hot-buttered goodness.

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​Sweet marijuana edibles can be truly disgusting, and we've found this to be particularly true when it comes to candy, but we've found one that tastes good and delivers medicine effectively. Cannabis Kitchen's Cosmic Caramels are buttery and chewy, but don't make you feel like you're sucking on a bong. And avoiding that is presumably a good reason you're exploring edibles anyway, no? Cosmic Caramels ($10 for three two-dose candies) are available at SPARC to accredited medical marijuana patients only.

Molly DeCoudreaux/Seventh House

Toasted quinoa chocolate treats from San Francisco's Seventh House. Yeah, they're literally toasted.

​Medical marijuana has provided solace for Californians with chronic pain, nausea, lost appetite, and other problems due to injury and disease. But not everyone wants to ― or even can ― smoke the stuff. Old-school edibles often contained prodigious amounts of the cannabis plant's fibrous leaves or worse, stems and seeds, resulting in baked goods that took on the texture and flavor of a jute rug. (So we're told.) But with the advent of legal outlets, a few enterprising cooks are refining recipes and producing medical edibles that are downright desirable.

Note: The following items are distributed via licensed dispensaries in accordance with California Health and Safety Code sec. 11362.5(B)(1)(A) & 11362.7(H), Prop 215, and S.B. 420. They are intended for consumption by persons with a prescription only and should absolutely be kept away from children.

Tetrahydrolcannabinol (THC), the compound in marijuana that has tonic properties, is best extracted in fats rather than water, so butter or oil can be used to create an infused base that delivers all the potency and none of the cardboard-y texture, since the solids are discarded. In fact, San Francisco's Seventh House offers infused artisanal olive oils that you can use in your own cooking. Infused with herbs ― other than the one you're thinking of ― a little dollop in your regular cooking oil will add a certain, shall we say, je ne sais quoi.

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Organic Canna's pot-laced Stroop Waffle, based on the classic Dutch stroopwafel cookie.

​Turns out that Dutch drug policy isn't the only product of the Netherlands that's influencing California's medical marijuana culture. One local manufacturer of pot edibles, Organic Canna, is now offering something it calls Stroop Waffle, a medicated version of the stroopwafel, the classic, caramel-filled Dutch waffle cookie. Organic Canna's version includes a dollop of dark chocolate on top and an optional dusting of cinnamon sugar, which SFoodie recommends. There's no denying the strong taste of cannabis-infused butter here, but the texture of the waffle is as pleasingly soft as any imported stroopwafel we've tried.

Believe the four-dose demarcation on the package ― a quarter of this large cookie should be plenty for all but the hardcore.

Organic Canna's Stroop Waffle: Available to accredited patients at Vapor Room Cooperative, 607A Haight (at Steiner), 633-6072.

Other pot-laced edibles skewing foodie:
-Choco-Potamus super-premium dark chocolate