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It's Monday, January 21st, and SF Sketchfest is in full swing. The Daily Show's John Oliver appears at Cobb's Friday, and John Vandersclice appears with The State's Michael Showalter tonight. Also, first person to comment on this post with a valid sfweekly.com account (register here) gets a free pair of tix to the show of their choice at Cafe Du Nord / Swedish American Music Hall. This is Your Monday Morning Hangover, I'm the web editor, David Downs.

First the video: Trailer from black comedy TEETH, screening Friday 01.25 in SF. Must See TV, this is.

Second the audio: Download brand new stuff from Oakland indie/garage rock band The Heavenly States' new track "The Race" from their March release 'Delayer.' (Right click or control-click and save as.)

So, what happened this weekend? SF Weekly went out and DID WORK, but none of it is in. We will soon have:

-A concert review of Cornelius.

-A show review of Friday's live Dr. Katz and Sunday's Freaks and Geeks Q&A.

-A show review of the Sex and Art Workers Show at the Victoria Theater.

And this week, we rule your monitor with:

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My girlfriend just got back from Juno, and now she's all in love with it, too. "You would really love this movie," she says. Probably, but you know what? Fuck Juno.

There's nothing funny or precious about teen pregnancy. It's an ongoing, real-time national tragedy that ruins girls' lives. "If my daughter got pregnant at 16, all this work would be for nothing," says my 22-year-old new-Dad friend. "I would tell her, 'Darling, all is lost.'"

Juno is just implied teen preggo porn for nerds, who can only handle their teen preggo porn as an implication. "Now, now, it's a big jump from Juno to teen preggo porn," some may scoff, but I disagree.

Start with Juno, recall Britney's 16-year-old sister leading by knocked up example, then take another step backward to a preggo, 12 year-old-looking Christina Aguilera on the cover of Marie Claire this month, and the next step is a full-on societal fascination with underage insemination.

It's all on the same continuum, people! Can we not wait to impregnate our new uteri till they're 18? Jesus! ...

Welcome to Your Monday Morning Hangover, I'm the web editor, David Downs.

Um, what happened this weekend? Besides the five-year storm and Juno warming gonads across the nation — we were at Erik Otto's opening of "The Calm Before the Storm," which was dope. Other than that we kicked it and tried not to drown.

This week, we rule your monitor. Every day, Laser-Guided Awesome gathers life hacks for cheaper, easier more fun to use San Francisco

Every Monday: SF Government InAction tells you what's going to happen this week at City Hall, and Raiders Suck Niners Suck wraps up its sucky coverage for the season.

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(Members of the annual Santa flash mob Santacon enjoy some of the season's finest. Photo by Gretchen Robinette)
Thank Christ, we made it to the week before Christmas. Man, this year sucked ass in so many new ways. Now, all that's left is some b.s. work, two, four-day weekends (maybe five-day weekends if we can swing it), and a bunch of playing with our new Wii. Heheh.

This weekend sort of kicked ass, and we're not too hungover. We saw the six-minute prologue to the new Batman and it ruled. Heath Ledger as the Joker looks creepy, and the hyper-violence is going to rule. Then I Am Legend came on, and the Fresh Prince was actually tight, son! We love ourselves some apocalypse tales, even if they mangle the book.

Today, our MySpace is blowing up with some old flames looking for holiday ass during the trip home and that almost makes up for the fact that the weather is supposed to stay shitty through the week. This is your Monday Morning Hangover, I'm your weatherhuman, David Downs.

We start with the quick A/V hit: Invisible Master Tetris. (Watch for the end when the pieces go invisible and homeboy still wins.)

Holy, fuck. That man is a Tetris robot.

And now the audio: "3s and 7s" from Queens of the Stone Age, who play two rocking nights here Thursday and Friday at the Warfield. Bow to their superior desert skills.

So, besides all the killings in Richmond, what else happened over the weekend?:

--Good thing you asked, the annual drunken Santa flash mob destroyed some childlike illusions about that lush St. Nick.

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Tags: i am legend, obama in oakland, santa flash mob, santacon, santarchy

(Tori, tori, tori | Photos By Ariel Soto)

Ok, we are officially in the Holiday Spirit. We've found our drinking rhythm and today we're not nearly as hungover as at the Pre-Party. We even went so far as to tip the Bayshore tree lot guy $10 on a $40 tree, because we were high. On spirit.

Now this fat, squat, Noble fir motherfucker is upright in our living room, glowing with the light of 1,000 LEDs. We're loving that smell of desiccating coniferous evergreen and we imagine all the surviving Christmas trees respond in kind — hanging humans out to dry in the deep forest, enjoying the fragrance of our essential oils and volatile organic compounds as we rot and decompose.

See, that pine smell is basically like b.o., but for a tree. And we wholeheartedly support the pit-stank of nature. This is your Monday Morning Hangover, I'm your CSI, David Downs.

We start with the quick A/V hit:
'Dorks Launch Flight of the 23-foot, $7,000 model X-Wing' (Good shit at minute 2)

You say the vid is old? From November 27? Ehh, fuck it, it's news to us. Stop hanging around YouTube so much. And now the Audio from L.A's acoustic/death metal/folk star Nate Denver. Stream that shit. He's going to be a star.

Now, WTF happened this weekend? Once again, we were everywhere and nowhere, like Jesus himself. We simultaneously ranked up 20 times on Call of Duty 4, while going to all this stuff. Since we're omniscient, bitches, we caught:

--Tori Amos bringing the American Doll Posse to the Paramount. Love America's weird girls. Photog Ariel Soto put in work.

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(Anne Faith Nicholls at her 'Low Tide Collection' in Shooting Gallery SF Friday | Photos By Gretchen Robinette)

We hope you enjoyed that minor lull between the Turkey Halocaust last week and the upcoming Holiday Party/Hanukkah/X-Mas Shitrain which should start any minute now. Have you got your stupid tree yet? Gone caroling? You make us sick.

This is the Monday Morning Hangover, I'm your blood-shot-eyed web editor, David Downs.

We start with the quick distraction:
Radiohead's new video "Bodysnatchers."

Kick arse. If only SF bands could rock half as hard. Maybe they need to got to Oxford first.

Now, WTF happened this weekend? Glad you asked, because we were fucking everywhere, dawg. We were on the SF scene like hunger on hobo. All you pretenders can step down now, cus check this:

--18-piece neo-disco act Escort kept the coke noses leaking at Mezzanine. Photog Gretchen Robinette captured souls.

--Cicrus Oz abused women with sledgehammers at UC Berkeley. Ariel Soto got the goods.

--Hair farmers Iron and Wine folked up the Paramount. Also Soto.

--A Super-Indy Xmas went down at Bottom of the Hill with Cold Hot Crash. Our Ty Callister was there.

--Shooting Gallery debuted work from Anne Faith Nicholls. So hot! Photos by Gretchen Robinette.

--Aimee Mann kept X-Mas boozy at Bimbo's. Thanks, Soto.

--And Oakland's The Heavenly States polluted our photog Gretchen Robinette.

Look upon our slideshows and weep for your lame, social life, SF.

On the schedule this week:

--Today: SF GovernmentInAction briefs you on some oil spill hearings and more anti-business legislation from the commies at City Hall.

--And RaidersSuckNinersSuck briefly puts his cup of Haterade down to better rest his chin near the base of Jamarcus Jamillions' 10-inch dong.

--Plus, new stories on SF's retarded gun buy-back program.

--And a profile of a guy who shot Craig Newmark and all his neighbors, and is now net-famous.

--Tuesday, Ty Callister's BetterKnowAnSFBlog trolls the blogosphere for local delicacies.

--Wednesday we're starting "HuMP3 Day" with music from all the new music stories we wrote. And we also offer the week's Kings of Commenting! Because there's nothing funnier than blind reader rage.

--Thursday, we're resting for our Holiday Part at the Aquarium, sponsored by our life-long homies Samuel Adams and Jack Daniels.

--And Friday we Pre-Party hard with Sharon Jones and the First Thursday art crowd.

Naturally, we will be at more great shows this week like:

Vampire Weekend, Six Organs of Admittance, Tegan and Sara, Tori Amos, Modest Mouse, Spoon, Melt Banana, XBXRX, Andrew Bird, Prefuse 73, and Nude Aid -- at the Center for Sex and Culture

See how much more we do than you? And yet you still question us. One day you will shut up and take your medicine. Till then, sayonara, rubes.

(Your Monday Morning Hangover hits at 9-ish a.m. every Monday morning with a weekend wrapup, plus a weekly news and culture outlook, because we feel sorry for you clowns — driving your clown cars to your clown offices where you do clown work and lunch on clown food.)

(Monotonix at the Knockout, by John Graham)

Welcome back from the holiday, turkeys. Our G-I tracts have shut down in protest of the weekend's overwork. We're backed up like the I-5 coming out of L.A. Our janitor will be earning his keep this week.

So today is "cyber monday," evidently; the day Americans waste $488 million in productivity buying crap online instead of working. We don't believe that figure from today's Examiner, but we don't care, cus you're wasting your time with us. Ha-ha! Welcome to the Hangover, I'm your web editor, David Downs.

Let's start with a quick distraction:

1) An Intro to Hip Hop Stats, by Oscar Pascual. Just in case you wondered how to graph the scientific fact that 'bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.'

Now that you've upgraded your grey matter, WTF happened this weekend?

Aside from the usual shootings and car wrecks:

-- Monotonix and Triclops! tore up the Knockout and John Graham has pics and the story.

--And "Let It Snow!" opened at the Phoenix Theater, for those into improv holiday theater musicals. (Four words that should never be out together, IMHO.) Ariel Soto brought back these shots.

On the schedule this week:

--Today: SF GovernmentInAction briefs you on everything NOT happening this week at city hall.

--And RaidersSuckNinersSuck tears local Bay Area NFL a new one.

-- MUNI sucks donkey dick. Joe Eskenazi explains how MUNI's boss makes more than his peers in New York or Chicago.

--Tuesday, BetterKnowAnSFBlog trolls the blogosphere for local delicacies.

--Wednesday we offer the week's Best In Comments! Yay! We hate you fockers.

--Thursday, we're figuring it out..

--Friday we Pre-Party hard with Circus Oz in Berzerk-town, ColdHotCrash, Comedians of Comedy, the Shooting Gallery and too much more.

And, of course, we will be at more great shows like:

--Pebble Theory at the Slims (Friday)

--Escort at Mezzanine on (Friday).

That's it, retards. Enjoy your cybersex Monday.