Yum!

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Looking to drop a dress size but not looking to eat healthfully and exercise? Girl, I've got your back. I possess the secret to getting you back into a pair of skinny jeans (from the kid's department!), without anyone accusing you of Anorexia. The answer? Cleansing! 

It's spiritually-sanctioned starvation and it's the answer to all that ails you. Unless what ails you is thinning hair and bacne and if so, we'll just call that "the effects of toxins escaping your body." Whether you're surviving on a classic mixture of cayenne pepper, lemon juice, and maple syrup, or drinking green juice all day long, there's no need for healthy body image and high self-esteem when you can just starve yourself into that micro-mini. Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow -- she's totally sane and loves to cleanse! 

If you need some assistance on your journey to freedom, here are our tips to help you make it out the other side, without resorting to binge-eating from your garbage can on trash day. Best of luck, and may God take mercy on your soul!

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​It's that top-10 time of year. All of us food writers are busily compiling "Top 7 Foods We Don't Want to See Covered in Truffle Butter in 2012" and "15 Gadgets We Won't Live without in the New Year." What can we say? We're in our parents' living room, bombed on eggnog suckers for lists, and so is everyone else. This year, SFoodie is taking a break from prognosticating ourselves and teaching you to write your own 2012 trend list. 'Tis the season of giving.

Start by announcing that something is the new something.
Whether it be whoopie pies are the new cupcakes or fried chicken is the new bacon, something must be in, replacing something that must be out. Bonus tip: Be sure to mention bacon. Bacon bacon bacon.

Mission Mini's cupcakes: Ja ja or auf wiedersehen?

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​Berkeley Bowl. You hear its siren song, beckoning you, telling of a grocery store built from your dreams. Aisles packed with fair-trade cocoa, bulk bins overflowing with every type of spelt pretzel, and a produce section that'll make you slap your mama. It truly is a paradise, but as Sartre so famously wrote, hell is other people, and nowhere is this more true than when you're trapped in the Bowl. You're acting purely on instincts, and you'll learn things about yourself, things you might not be so comfortable knowing. Will you fight or will you flee? We're here to help you fight. You will have your organic massaged kale salad, and you will live to enjoy eat it, too!

1. Gird yer loins
Before you even enter the store, you need to do the following things: 1) drink 15 Diet Cokes; 2) perform running chest bumps with a car; and 3) spend at least 10 minutes yelling, "Come at me, bro!" to a wall. When you feel like you could win a wrestling match with Carrot Top, you're ready. Alternate plan: Shop only when high as a kite. It ups your tolerance for the hippie bullshit, but if you go this route, you better have a list that you'll stick to. If you don't, your bill could run into the millions of dollars and all you'll have to show for it is Doritos and peanut butter cups. Delicious Doritos and peanut butter cups.

2. Dress appropriately.
Closed-toed shoes are a must because your shit WILL be run over by a cart full of chia seeds. If you biked over (AND YOU DID, RIGHT? Because that's a whole 'nother issue!), wear your helmet inside -- that thing could save your life if when it turns ugly. Also, if you can remove your shoulders, now would be a good time to bust out that party trick. Finally, clean underwear; if there was ever a chance you might end up in the ER, today is the day.

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Yelp/ Lucy M.

​For those of us who don't work in an office, and aren't rich or fancy enough to afford things like WiFi and coffee makers, there's always the options of setting up shop at nearby coffee shops and cafes. Sometimes a trip to our local cafe is the only thing that'll stop those of us who are bored out of our minds in our prison-like dwellings from burning the entire city to the ground out of boredom. If you're also concerned with being surrounded by attractive people who you want to make out with, well then, you're more likely headed to the Mission's Ritual Coffee Roasters. So grab every cliche of "Hipster" that you can fit on your fixie, and allow us to teach you the Best Practices for Making Ritual Your Office.

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​People in San Francisco like to play that they've always known the glory of free-range quail terrine and grew up foraging for truffles with their French papa. Don't front. The vast majority of us grew up celebrating all holidays, birthdays, and special events at a buffet. Won a Little League soccer game? Fresh Choice*! Celebrating a cousin's engagement to another cousin? Hometown Buffet! Someone won the lottery? Todai! OMG, remember the time your grandparents took you on a Carnival Cruise and you got to binge on the Midnight Buffet and then lay in your rocking bed, shaking like a meth head, praying for sleep or death? It's a defining moment in every child's life.

The glory of the buffet cannot be beat because it's EVERY food. As in, all the food. Like, every food you can imagine, and as much of it as you want. Which is all of it. You want a Butterfinger sundae topped in beef chow mein? Go for it! You want the man who is not a chef but wearing a chef's hat to make you 15 waffles while the line behind you fills with angry hordes of America's finest? Do it to it! You want to stuff a dozen brownies down your bra for a later snack? The world is your oyster! (Just whatever you do: Don't eat the buffet oysters.)

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