These Aphrodisiac Lollipops Might Not Get You Laid, But They Will Make You Laugh

Categories: LOLS

Pandora's Pops
Wonderful things sometimes appear in our inbox unbidden, and today brought one of the best press releases we've seen since the Jellinator. Pandora's Pops are aphrodisiac lollipops -- not aphrodisiac-flavored lollipops, but organic herbal candies specifically designed by company founder Jena Chambers to increase "sexual interest, erotic intelligence, and reproductive capacity" in both men and women. They're made right here in San Francisco.

We get a ton of pitches like this around Valentine's Day, and might have ignored it and moved on if it hadn't been for the end of the email, which encouraged us to watch a "brief 'Sexy Adventure' video" made by Chambers herself. How could we resist a call-to-action like that?

See also: Annals of Sad Press Releases: The Jellinator

If you watched the video, you saw that it tries for "sexy" but only reaches the level of "sweetly misguided and awkward." Something about the timing and delivery of the lines, or the way she's holding the lollipops, or the lighting and overall quality of it reminded us of something out of Napoleon Dynamite or the mind of Miranda July.

Of course we immediately went to the Kickstarter page to watch the five-minute informercial for the lollipops that tries and fails to rise above the quality of public access television.

On the Kickstarter page we also learned that Chambers calls herself a "lollipop artisan" who creates flavors with late-night Cinemax names like Hot Professor and Legal Lolita. She all but guarantees that eating one of these lollipops will lead to sexytimes, claiming that their aphrodisiac properties are "strongly rooted in biochemical science and unstoppable magic." Sounds factual enough.

The weirdest and best part is the reward for a $75 Kickstarter donation, a visit with brand ambassador Dr. Mary Lollipoppins. She's a gypsy-like figure (with a medical license?) who will give you a 30-minute "vintage postcard 'Tarot'-reading session" over Skype or Facetime, and will then send you the lollipop that best complements your personality or something. The details aren't really clear.

What is clear is that this is a winning product and campaign. We look forward to raising our erotic intelligence.

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