Shrimp is Killing Everything, Babycakes is Coming to San Francisco, & Vegan Caramel Invades the Oscars

Categories: Week in Vegan

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​ •Let's lead with the most important news: I'm totally at the Oscars! Actually, it's even better than the Oscars because that's just some wack-ass, rigged, masturbatory television program. I'm at the Oscar Swag Bag Lounge, where celebrities come to get hella free shit for being rich. I know, it's the best and totally fair. Don't hate, celebrate! Anyway, OCD Sweets was selected to be, like, the official delicious candy of the Oscar swag bag lounge, and people are going APESHIT for it. You know why? It's because it's the extra tastiest. Rumor has it that John Waters tasted it and then started bringing his celebrity personal assistants back to the booth and making them try the candy. Also, he's the greatest. Now let's talk about how awesome this all is and how special I am for being at the Oscars: GO!

•What was I saying about life being great? Ugh, I was wrong. 50,000 hens were discovered yesterday after being left to starve for weeks. So fucked and sad! Almost all of them starved to death, but a few held on, and rescue groups like Harvest Home Animal Sanctuary, Animal Place, and Farm Sanctuary are stepping in to help save them. YAY RESCUE GROUPS! Boo to everyone who eats chickens or eggs! This happened because of you! Don't you know how rad chickens are? They are so wonderful. Smart, cool, loving animals who just want to do their chicken thing, not be killed for your 50-cent wing combo box SO GET IT TOGETHER.

Here's the magical place the turkeys you eat come from! Be prepared for a wild ride on a unicorn of happiness as you explore this truly enchanted kingdom.

Chocolate Chunk Mini Loaves say whaaaaat.

Chocolate Glazed Baked Yeast Donuts say whaaaaaaaaaat.

•Like anyone with a brain has been saying forever and ever, superbugs come from factory farms. When Contagion happens and I die from some sort of plague, I swear to GOD my ghost will haunt the asses of every meat-eater around, and I will NOT be a friendly ghost, okay? I will be the fucked-up ghost who pulls your pants down during important presentations and farts on you a lot. A LOT.

•All this shrimp that you're eating is ruining the planet. "One pound of frozen shrimp adds one ton of carbon dioxide -- more than 10 times that produced by the equivalent amount of beef raised on cleared rainforest land." Daaaang! Also, I read in Eating Animals that for every pound of shrimp caught, there's something like 60 pounds of additional animals accidentally caught and more often than not killed. That includes, like, sea turtles and shit. And why even eat it when vegan shrimp is so delicious!? Seriously, knock it off and then let's all eat vegan shrimp cocktails off each other's fully clothed bodies. SEXY SEXY.

•There might be a Babycakes coming to the Mission! Spread it around like it's fact!

•There's a new shredded vegan cheese coming to the market and I'm REALLLLLLY hoping that it's not only edible, but extra delicious! A GIRL CAN DREAM. Actually, vegan cheese has come leaps and bounds in just the last couple of years, and I imagine that shit will only get better, as cheese is the food that non-vegans say is the reason they aren't vegan and then they go eat a steak topped with more steak (classic combo!). But really, the way some people talk about cheese it's like it's better than crack rock. Listen up! You sound crazy, it's not cute, and NOTHING is better than crack.

•Both Olsen Haus and Cri de Coeur debuted their spring shoe lines this week, and they're beauuuutiful. Buy me one of everything, and I'll vacuum your whole place wearing them and NOTHING ELSE. I'll get naked, staple the shoes all over my body, and go to town on your carpets and hardwood floors. You might be cringing, but there are at least three people reading this who are turned on. Hello, friends!

Sharks are BFF with other sharks! Even lady sharks, because lady sharks don't give a shit about imposed patriarchal hierarchies. Go on, sharks!

• Finally, let's all move to Hawaii and eat Honolulu Magazine's top five vegan dishes, because life on the mainland is for suckers/people with ambition!

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus! and tweets at mrpenguino. Follow SFoodie on Twitter at @SFoodie, and like us on Facebook.
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I would LOVE to have five minutes alone with Andy Keung Cheung (the fuck who thought that letting 50,000 chickens starve to death was a viable business decision). LOVE.

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