The Sandwich King Is Not Especially Informative about Sandwiches or Royalty

Categories: Food on TV

FN-Jeff-Mauro_Sandwich-King-Season-02-400_s4x3_lead.jpg
Heavy weighs the made-up crown.
Each week we take a quick, cautious look at what's going on with televised cooking. This week: Sandwich King, a half-hour show about the Black Plague, Sundays at 11 a.m. on the Food Network.

Jeff Mauro, former stand-up comic, is the Sandwich King, but how he ascended to nobility I know not. I fear he may have been christened under a false god, because, you know, my fucking uncle is the Sandwich King every time he has four beers. I'm the Sandwich King whenever I buy ham. Being a Sandwich King is like being a Cereal King or Salad King. There's not much of a kingdom there. Verily, it's a fucking sandwich.

Still, I acknowledge his reign and sit down for the premiere of Sandwich King, season number two (the first season slipped quietly by last summer, veiled by an invisibility cloak). His sovereignty begins with tomato soup. He's making us wait for the sandwich. I'm impressed. That's how you rule the sandwich kingdom, by not making sandwiches. I really can't wait for that sandwich!

Earlier in the show his majesty went to a restaurant to watch someone else make a sandwich, and before he went in he did a little pop-and-lock move on the street corner -- my liege lord is a thirty-something white guy who, it's clear by now, failed as a stand-up. I've was sort of mulling this over while he made this tomato soup, so when the bread finally came out it took me a while to determine just what his lordship was doing.

But then I understood all to well. The first sandwich the Sandwich King made on premiere of The Sandwich King was a grilled-cheese sandwich -- for the prince.

Behold!

His lordship lays two slices of American cheese on white bread. He spreads butter on it. It goes into a pan. It browns. My liege is exceedingly pleased with the way it browns. "Look at that," he says. We comply. It is brown.

It gets better.

His lordship holds up cookie cutters in the shape of stars. He presses the star shapes into the bread and, well, it is a star-shaped fucking mess, but he's done it. Star-shaped grilled-cheese sandwiches, on white bread with American cheese, for the child-prince.

And then, in a move that solidifies his position by sending his enemies insane with confusion, pouring back over the gates to rethink everything they thought they knew about retaining food-based nobility, he puts one of the star-shaped sandwiches RIGHT into a bowl of that tomato soup, for his toddler son to eat. He puts the SANDWICH into the SOUP, for the toddler to eat. He puts the SANDWICH into the SOUP for the ... I can do this all day. I have a toddler, and if I put a nice grilled-cheese sandwich into his tomato soup, the kitchen would very quickly look and sound like the Battle of Bannockburn.

It's clear, Jeff Mauro took his nobility by force, thanks to serious balls with all the attitude of tenth-season Emeril. Behind that affable clowning and baby-faced exterior, with his bad jokes and tired affectations (he pops and locks, he calls himself "Daddy," he kisses his bicep and says "ladies," he mugs like a clown playing for the back rows) he's really King Jogaila crushing the Teutonic Knights in the Battle of Grunwald. The rest of the show is a blur. He makes another grilled cheese sandwich, "for adults," that contains onions. Then he cooks an entire meatloaf and cuts it up and makes it into another sandwich. The FN site claims this is called an All-American Down-Home Patriotic Meatloaf Sandwich, but I'm pretty sure site was hacked.

Go on, my liege, make these pedestrian sandwiches, but know this, we are watching, and when you slip up, when we understand just what the hell you are doing these sandwiches, we shall be upon you, with our knives and forks, and there will be blood -- or sauce. Mostly sauce.

All hail the Sandwich King!

--
Previously, Michael Leaverton watched:

The Worst Cooks in America

Food Hoarders

Rachel vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off

The Ice-Carving Show that the Food Network Somehow Ruins
The Show Paula Deen's Kid Was Given Because His Mom Makes Terrible Food

Bama Glama, the show all Alabama loves to fight over in comment threads

Guy Fieri's Weird Man Fort

Mystery Diners

Food Jammers

Have Cake, Will Travel

Chef Hunter

Baron Ambrosia

Sweet Genius

Best Thing I Ever Made

Sandra Lee's Hard-Drinkin' Halloween Special of Madness

Follow us on Twitter at @sfoodie, and like us on Facebook.



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19 comments
boicrazee193
boicrazee193

Its cable television you daft bimbo. Jeff Mauro is my uncle and ill have you know most of the other members of the family would have been more qualified candidates for a cooking show. But like I said its CABLE TELEVISION. The Food Network didn't give a shit who on “Food Network Star” could actually do the damn thang, but one of the contestants made them laugh, so that's who won. Does no one remember Guy Fieri? I bet he's an awesome cook right- of course hes not he wears his fucking sunglasses backwards:he's hip.

Anonymous_21
Anonymous_21

My wife and I are avid FN show watches and I don't understand how the Sandwich King made it to a second season.  We turn FN off as soon as it comes on now after giving it a shot for several episodes.  Just nothing creative or interesting about the show.  Jeff Mauro may have some comedic parts and a following but he needs a better angle as we don't see this show lasting.

Lisaj5227
Lisaj5227

If you have'nt tried his eggplant sandwich than you have'nt had the best sandwich ever created. You can say what you want about the guy, but I'm grateful for that great sandwich, but, how does he get such a close shave.

Casting
Casting

you come off as humorless, bitter and sad. not witty, clever and insightful as i'm sure you intended. if you aspire to join the ranks of legitimate reviewers of programming - allow me to spare you the inevitable heartbreak of failure that is fast approaching. find something else to do with your time. you're not good at this. 

Jack Myers
Jack Myers

Jeff Mauro is probably the worst professional cook I've seen on Food Network.

The guy has ZERO talent. It was beyond my comprehension as to how he won "The next food network star".

J.D.
J.D.

It was beyond my comprehension that Jeff Mauro was the onlyfinalist who was focused and never changed his POV during the entirecompetition. It also intrigued me that the judges liked most of his dishes andthat he was well like among them and his fellow castmates and wasn’t involvedin any major drama.  And… the fact thathe won FN’s fan favorite poll thanks to us dumb people who voted for him?Winner and fan favorite…that’s a hard reach fete for a talentless person. Seemsto me that you didn’t pay much attention last season, since the show wasrenamed “Food Network Star.” 

 

Jeff’s show has STRONG RATINGS, most comments on socialsites about him and his show (except on this one) are mostly POSITIVE plus,most of his recipes are FIVE STAR RATED on FN’s website. Imagine if he has anytalent at all! Shoot the stars!

 

You’re entitled to your opinion. I like some hosts on FNmore than others (maybe the one you like are the ones I don’t) but I would NEVERgo to sites where harsh comments and insults are being said about them only to helpscorn and underrate them. All FN personalities are PROFESSIONALS, HUMAN BEINGSwith careers and shows they work hard to maintain and improve and with FAMILIESand FOLLOWERS who perceive every demeaning comment as an insult to someone fromtheir own families.

Although no family, Jeff is to me a nice guy who I got acquainted with nine months ago and now consider a good friend, to the extent that I let him enter my home every week to cheer me up and learn from him. I still get pleasure and joy from the simplest things in life, including a show about sandwiches hosted by the "worst cook on FN who has zero talent." In MY OPINION, it's a half hour well spent that so far has cheer the rest of my Sunday.

Dksbook
Dksbook

But is it as bad as The Pioneer Woman's show?

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TallLoving.Com

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Dippy
Dippy

Well done sire, show sounds interesting as last nites gruel...

Robert
Robert

I disagree, cursing really emphasized the stupidity of this show, and added to the hilarity. Great stuff, man.

Joe
Joe

Curse creatively. Not boringly and predictably.

Joe
Joe

How about leaving out the "fucking" the next time you blog. It's unnecessary, not funny, not shocking, and makes you sound like a poser. 

T.A
T.A

Yeah but, see...I am the Sandwich Queen..and I take it pretty serious man. 

Info
Info

Thanks for the review. You're a funny and talented writer! As an avid Game of Thrones fan I can spot a fellow Westeros Buff. From here on out, consider me a fan of your blog.

Good tidings,

Jeff Mauro "King of Pedestrians"@jeffmauro

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