Best Practices for Cleansing Yourself Like Gwyneth Paltrow Would Want You To

Categories: Best Practices

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Looking to drop a dress size but not looking to eat healthfully and exercise? Girl, I've got your back. I possess the secret to getting you back into a pair of skinny jeans (from the kid's department!), without anyone accusing you of Anorexia. The answer? Cleansing! 

It's spiritually-sanctioned starvation and it's the answer to all that ails you. Unless what ails you is thinning hair and bacne and if so, we'll just call that "the effects of toxins escaping your body." Whether you're surviving on a classic mixture of cayenne pepper, lemon juice, and maple syrup, or drinking green juice all day long, there's no need for healthy body image and high self-esteem when you can just starve yourself into that micro-mini. Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow -- she's totally sane and loves to cleanse

If you need some assistance on your journey to freedom, here are our tips to help you make it out the other side, without resorting to binge-eating from your garbage can on trash day. Best of luck, and may God take mercy on your soul!

7. Never use the word "diet" when referring to what you're doing.
You're "cleansing your chakras" or "embarking on an internal sweat lodge." We all know you're in it to drop a fast ten but you can't really admit to starvation without admitting to anorexia. The last thing you need is a bunch of your fatty-boom-batty "friends"* trying to stop you. Oh, hell no. Remember, this is all about how you need to get those harmful toxins out of your palace. Bonus points if you talk about your colonic. That'll stop the questions real fast.

6. Remove all real food from your house.
It is the enemy! Do not sleep with the enemy! Cart all the food in your cupboards off to your friends' houses, since you'll need such poison in your life again. Replace it with lemon, cayenne, celery, and buckets upon buckets of your own tears.

5. Remember to tell everyone you meet about your cleanse.
They need to know about how you're returning to your "normal, healthy state" after all that holiday excess. Also, talking nonstop about cleansing will force you to stay on your regimen, because there is nothing but shame in admitting you've stopped your soul-scrubbing halfway through.

4. Do NOT exercise!
You don't have the energy. Plus, if you pass out on the Elliptical, someone might force-feed you a banana. Don't even get me started on the carbs toxins in that thing! This isn't about your health. A BANANA? Jesus Christ.

3. While you're at it, make sure to let everyone know that you don't crave sweets anymore.
Aren't bodies amazing? All cravings for that garbage evaporate as soon as the fat completely drains from your system, your menses stops, and your will to live is terminated. Remember the louder you preach now, the less likely you'll fall off the the bandwagon and into a swimming pool filled with ice cream sundaes.

2. Don't think about ice cream sundaes.
Or hot dogs. Or whipped cream. Or hot fudge. Or enormous dosas stuffed with spiced potatoes, or mountains of garlicy naan bread, or buckets of crispy french fries. Don't think about spaghetti and meat balls, or baked potatoes piled high with butter and sour cream. Forget about deep-fried candy bars and delicious greasy chow fun. Seriously, stop thinking about banana splits and grilled cheeses right now.

1. Come off the cleanse higher and holier than when you began.
Make sure to tell everyone how different you feel. Those detox migraines really made you appreciate how valuable your body is and how you're really going to take care of it with more compassion. Make sure you share every step of the process, every toxin-pimple you popped, with them so they can be prepared for walking through the fire when they follow your example. Then, head to the nearest Hometown Buffet to binge in private.

*They're just jealous of your success! Question whether they can join you on this new, more spiritual lifepath you've embarked on.

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus! and tweets at mrpenguino. Follow SFoodie on Twitter: @SFoodie, and like us on Facebook.

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3 comments
Bob
Bob

U are a monster.

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