Discover The Wisdom of Ill Fortune Cookies

Tamara Palmer
Caution: These cookies might cause drowsiness.
One would think there would be many novelty fortune cookies in the Bay Area since the treat was birthed here, but iLL Fortune Cookies are the first we've seen here since the racist missives of yore from the (we think) now defunct Fat Fong's Dirty Fortune Cookies, which offered notes such as "Fat Fong say: I no come, wife no come, baby come, how come?"

Intrigued by a brief mention on Eater, we recently ordered a box of 20 iLL Fortune cookies ($12) from Union City, the home of the newish iLL Fortune company.

These are standard fortune cookies, no better or worse than what you'll encounter at an average Chinese restaurant, but there's something irresistible about the way this quintessentially San Francisco invention has been injected with a dose of East Bay sass.

This was immediately apparent upon the cracking of the first iLL Fortune:

You were just roofied

Oh, but the violence didn't end there! The second try brought up another doozy:

Within one month you will be stabbed by a clown

After that, the messages calmed down a bit, but were clearly not aimed at building up anyone's self-esteem:

You will meet your future stalker today

Your likeness to a Hobbit will not serve you well in the dating world

Most would feel sufficiently emotionally battered after that, but in the interest of research, we kept going:

The rest of your life is uphill

We found that one a great place to stop for now. The rest of our iLL Fortunes will be dispersed to unknowing victims friends.

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