Breaking: McDonald's Claims to Be the New Slow Food
Slow food lovers, watch your back.
McDonald's, the clown-headed conglomerate that's responsible for tricking the world's children into adult-onset Diabetes, has released a new video touting its farm-to-table ethics. It is so awesome!
Seriously, watch this insane video and then let's discuss.
1. Why is Frank Martinez eating a raw potato!? That shit doesn't taste good, and I'm fairly certain it might be poisonous. Also, poor Frank -- take after take of peeling a potato and chomping into its raw funk. I feel for the man.
2. Aren't we pretty sure that McDonald's fries are made of the same material they use for astronaut suits? I mean, how else do you explain their absolute refusal to decompose? Seriously, start making planes out of this shit and that'll be the end of death via air travel. You know what will survive the apocalypse? Cockroaches, Joan Rivers' faces, and McDonald's french fries.
3. Who the hell does McDonald's think it's talking to? The people lining up at the drive through at 10 p.m. don't care about farms or freshness, and the people who do care aren't going to start liking McDonald's all of a sudden.
Sometimes I think every ad person on Earth should be thrown off a cliff and replaced by me. New slogan, "McDonald's. I'm lovin' it! Until I'm dead at 33!" Done and done.