Mark Zuckerberg, Ultimate Rich Bitch Nerd, Starts Killing Animals for Self Improvement
The news you've all been waiting for: Mark Zuckerberg did a thing. And not just any thing, a controversial thing. The News Gods are feeling generous, so we must take advantage.
David Yellon This musta been taken in 2009.
Earlier this week Mark Zuckerberg announced to the world that his self-improvement challenge of the year is to eat only animals he kills himself. He prefaced his announcement with this:
To start, let me give you some background on what I'm doing. Every year in recent memory, I've taken on a personal challenge -- something to learn about the world, expand my interests, and teach myself greater discipline.
What a nerd.
Although we'd say murder is a little different than committing to wearing a tie every day (his 2009 challenge), we commend his involvement in the entire farm-to-plate process. We also agree with Jonathan Kauffman that the story here is that he's primarily vegetarian and gives a shit about where his food comes from. Go on, you little dorkus malorkus, we ain't mad at you. In fact, we think the meat eaters who are outraged about this are kinda silly. At the risk of sounding preachy (actually, we don't give a shit), maybe you should think harder about the fact that buying meat is still killing it? Most people are so far removed from the murdering process (for good reason -- it's soul destroying) that they choose to believe ground chuck is made of happy cows who skip into a slaughterhouse because they're so excited to get to Whole Foods. So, you know, good on him for being ... involved.
Of course, he's not doing any of the butchering himself, which strikes us as the truly grueling part, and something you might have to learn some actual skills for. You know, there's more to it than slitting an animal's throat, although we enjoy that he thinks slitting a throat is the nicest way to murder. We think the nicest way to murder might be to rock a really, really old person to sleep after you've administered the sleepy drugs, a la Dr. Kevorkian. Or you know, not murder at all. Potato, potato. Also, who says poh-tah-toe? MURDERERS, that's who.
However, we have two issues who this whole thing. Typical.
1) We worry this will create a trend of people attempting to raise and kill animals in their own backyards, where it is most likely illegal, and definitely harder and more costly than tending a kale plant.
2) Zuckerberg talks about how hard it was to kill a lobster, and we have to wonder, then why do it? Why not go all David Foster Wallace on that lobster's ass and NOT eat it? Doesn't he know lobsters are fucking rad? They never stop growing -- the older they get, the bigger they get, and some scientists think they may be immune to aging. How amazing would it be if humans did that; all our old people would be glorious giants. Finally, our elders would get the respect they deserve. If not, they'd just beat it out of us.