Pissing Off Perez Hilton, Cooling Sweaty Balls, Saving Giant Squid

​SFoodie's roundup of tips, news, and rants from the week in animal-free eats.

•Baby season has begun at Marin-based wildlife rescue Wildcare, and its staff needs you to sponsor some babies so that they may live their baby lives and then be reintegrated into animal society and attend animal university and eventually one day run for animal president.

Native Foods Blog

This pie won an award. What have YOU done with your life?

​•Did you know there's an American Pie Council? That is fucking dope! I wonder if they ever go into bloody battle with the cake people? If so, I don't know which side I'd choose once the Great War begins. On one hand, I love pie. On the other hand, I love cake. WHAT TO DO?? If you steal this script idea, I will eat your face. Anyway, the American Pie Council hosts a contest each year for best pie on earth (or something) and this year, a vegan pie took home the prize! Go 'head vegan pie, I ain't mad atcha! Except I will be eating you, since the recipe is posted online.

•Perez Hilton speaks out against laws that would make undercover investigations in factory farms, especially filming and photography, a crime. If Perez Hilton thinks what you're doing is fucked well then, it's FU-HUCKED. There are already bills on the table in Iowa, Florida, and Minnesota, and in completely crappy related news, the New York state Legislature just took one up. WTF!? This is so blatantly motivated by lawmakers who have a financial interest in animal agriculture, it's truly unbelievable. Except it's not. Yet again, your government dollars at work against you!

•There are benefits for bunnies at both Saturn Cafe locations on Wed., May 11. I bet "God" is all looking down on us as he eats his discounted food from Saturn and pets his million bunnies and is all, "Yep, that's what it's like up here." Did that make sense? Anyway, BE THERE!

Making gnocchi with Mark Bittman.

​•Mark Bittman released his How to Cook Everything Vegetarian cookbook as an iPhone app. Megan Rascal at Vegansaurus does a mighty fine breakdown of the ways in which it rules and drools. Take it away, Megan!

•The Single Guy Chef (WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE LOVE HIM??) traveled to Cinnaholic in Berkeley and liked what he saw! And ate! How could he not? Those rolls are the ish! I just asked my boyfriend (who usually writes about three-quarters of this column! Behind the scenes!) what's something funny I could say about Cinnaholic, he goes, "They're really good." That's not funny, you idiot! It's okay that I typed that, he never reads my stuff. Secrets of a good relationship!

•Mission Loc@l has a new series where Sabrina Modelle (of The Tomato Tart fame!) veganizes Mission district favorites. First up? Humphry Slocombe's Secret Breakfast ice cream, which is perfect for this HOT AS HELL weather we're experiencing. Seriously, I have about nine fans pointed at me and I'm still sweating balls. My boyfriend wrote that; I do not have balls.

•What would happen if the world went vegan? THE TERRIFYING TRUTH!!!

•Giant squid, the most badass of all badass animals, are being murdered by sonic waves from oil exploration vessels . Ugh, I am DISGUSTED. Giant squid are like unicorns BUT REAL. I feel to make this right, we must offer a Tony Hayward as an appeasement to the sea. And then we must make an effort to shut the fuck up before our oceans are completely dead. I feel like I say this every week (because I do) but seriously, our oceans have been strip-mined, polluted, and abused to the point of total devastation. It's the most heartbreaking. But enjoy that lobster roll, because YOU DESERVE IT!