Robert Pattinson Plays Dirty with Elephants, Soy Will Not Give a Guy a Rack

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SFoodie's roundup of tips, news, and rants from the week in animal-free eats.

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twilightish.com
Robert Pattinson's ripe, and his new movie stinks.
​• Listen, I know you want to get freaky with Robert Pattinson, but please don't go see Water for Elephants, because it looks like some crazy elephant exploiting bullshit. Also, we should talk more about your thing for Pattinson, because I heard he doesn't bathe. If that excites you, and you're rich, and you like ladies, you should e-mail me because I hate being clean! Shit, I use my shower as extra storage.

Eric Ripert, the seafood king of New York City, got a radiation detector so he can test all incoming Japanese fish for RADIOACTIVE IODIDE. Marine Sciences professor Nicholas Fisher says, "You're not going to die from eating it right away. But we're getting to levels where I would think twice about eating it." Smart. Even smarter? Don't eat the fucking fish!

• We're using all our antibiotics on animals that are turned into food, and becoming immune to emerging superbugs in the process. It's seriously some dystopian future shit, and we're LIVING IN IT. Shit, I'm like Paul Revere riding into town to warn your asses and instead of fleeing, you just sit on your porches knitting American flags and drinking sweet tea made of bacon. Has history taught us nothing!??!

The Upper Haight farmers' market is BACK! And they've got tons of excellent vegan options for you to indulge your fat vegan face in! Oh, and if you're into fresh and seasonal, here's a list of the 10 million San Francisco farmers' markets. Grab one of your 50 reusable bags and drive your car to the nearest farmers' market to get your local(ish) produce on!

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WSJ
Gather's vegan Caesar.
​• Gather in Berkeley added a vegan Caesar salad to the menu! It looks extra delicious, and I very much want to eat it immediately. If you want to take your fancy parents or fancy significant other or fancy friends somewhere, this is a great place. All the menu items have like 50 weird ingredients that all taste really good together, it's very impressive.

• Some 300,000 hens die in a factory farm fire in Maryland. Super sad. In extra bullshit news, Compassion Over Killing released an investigation about how fucked up and terrible the "farm" was in 2005. Of course, nothing happened to improve anything because nobody fucking cares how they get their 10 cent McNuggets, and now, 300,000 dead hens. UGH HUMANS WHHHHY.

• Soy makes men grow boobs and gave me a yeast infection and now I have a testicle growing out of my back!!! Jack Norris wrote a great piece about the myths and truths surrounding soy consumption. And please remember, whenever you bitch about soy, know that those GMO soy crops are grown to feed animals who are turned into chicken nuggets and steakums, it ain't for my organic tofu! I know, why do I make it you vs. me and I'm always the good person? It's just one my myriad charming personality defects!

I got some vegan events for you this weekend HEY NOW!

• TONIGHT (Fri., Apr. 8, for those of you without a calendar), Zoe Weil, who is a true pioneer in the field of humane education, is speaking at U.C. Berkeley. She's crazy inspiring, check out her TED talk, which is awesome, and I'll see you there!

• Sat., Apr. 9, is the Cesar Chavez parade (part of Cesar Chavez Day!). A veggie contingent is marching in the parade and they need big numbers to educate the crowd about how Cesar Chavez was a vegetarian! Meet at 10:30 a.m. at 19th Street and Dolores, across the street from the Mission bell. Parade starts at 11 a.m. and lasts an hour, so you can go home and go right back to bed.

• And both days this weekend, the Green Festival: all the usual jokes about hippies not bathing and breast-milk cheese and hemp baby overalls, har-dee. Usually they have lots of good vegan food that's hard to find elsewhere, like corn dogs and ice cream sundaes. It's all very ― green.

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus and tweets at @mrpenguino. Follow SFoodie at @SFoodie, and like us on Facebook.
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11 comments
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Nikki01
Nikki01

I can't believe to my eyes! This BS about Robert?! WTF?! What nonsense! And you must know, that this film has received the award of fund of the wild nature for care with animals!

Marji
Marji

That is an epic sounding award. Also, not real. The Award of Fund of the Wild Nature for Care with Animals? At least try the googles first.

Elephants don't belong in movies. They don't belong in circuses. They don't need to be traipsing around the country doing stupid stuff. They belong either in the wild or if some douche-canoe human has forced them to stand on buckets, in a sanctuary.

Laura would have made fun of anyone jerk-wad enough to star in a film that involves the exploitation of an elephant who would rather be hanging out with other elephants on like 8 million acres. She is generous and kind like that.

meganrascal
meganrascal

I think laura is just totally in love with rob and can't handle it. HE'S JUST ONE MAN!

Elaine Parkinson2
Elaine Parkinson2

Rob Absolutely adores animals and would NEVER be in a movie that would involve cruelty in anyway shape or form .....as for his bathing habits ( which is entirely none of your business ) it was a bloody Joke ....get a grip and get a Life ....you are one Dumb ass ...oops thats an insult to Asses I guess .....I love Rob and his sense of Humour and his love of Animals ..this is what makes him the Special ,warm hearted ,funny and lovable person that he truly is ...you have obviously not seen or listened to anything he has ever done or said .....so as a true Rob fan you would know all these things already ....I suggest you go get a shower and Cool Down!!!!

Cherie Krystyna
Cherie Krystyna

Love your writing! Love the "Week in Vegan". Makes me wish I lived in SF damn it.

Best to you.

Shannon
Shannon

Love reading your stuff! I'm so glad you write for SF Weekly! :)

flounderthefish
flounderthefish

Oh my dear,

I think you should get some HELP. Seriously.

Or if you cant afford good sessions of therapy you may want to consider seeing Water for Elephant and start drooling over Rob (or Christoph or Reese or Tai the elephant -depends on your preference). I will gurantee that it will ease your pain. A movie ticket doesnt cost that much.

and dont forget to take a shower before you go to the cinema...or wait no dont because you might want to take a long cold shower after seeing Rob on big screen. LOL

Takecare

Ludditerobot
Ludditerobot

Wow, I must be desensitized to vulgarity (read: awesome), as I was like, "Cussing? Where?"

Ryan and Kelly
Ryan and Kelly

I think you are hilarious and especially enjoy the cussing...be you!

Baloubunny
Baloubunny

I completely agree with Water for Elephants comment. It seems everyone is so focused on Robert Pattinson that know one is bothered by the animals such as the captive elephants used to make him another mil. The thing is maybe you should think about writing in a way that sounds a little more intelligent and respectful. That way maybe people who aren't vegans would listen and take you seriously. The cussing etc. won't do your cause ( that I'm assuming important to you) justice..

Jm
Jm

You're an idiot!! You must not have done your homework!

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