This is Why Everyone Shopping at Trader Joe's Hates You

Categories: LOLS, Shopping

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zyzzyva/Flickr
Face it, the sad truth of your existence.
Once an annual pre-Burning Man stop for cheap vodka, Cabernet, and Trek Mix, Trader Joe's is now a weekly essential ― seriously, who can survive without Mandarin orange chicken, chocolate-covered espresso beans, or processed enchiladas? But guess what: While you're intent on stocking up, you're pissing off every other shopper in the store. Here's why:

You don't know how to drive and/or park.
Every Trader Joe's parking lot everywhere is an effed-up jungle from hell. If you don't know how to properly wield your Subaru into a space the size of a kiddy pool, just walk. And once you're done shopping, throw your groceries in the car and drive. Don't sit there and phone your psychic or listen to the end of Fresh Air. It's rude.

You have no clue where to properly place your cart when getting items.
If you weren't such a fucking idiot, you would leave your cart at the front of the store by the flowers. Who buys orchids at Trader Joe's? The person you just dumped if you have any self-respect is the correct answer. Everyone knows their plants die around the same time your Fair Trade University bananas go bad, i.e., 10 minutes from now.

You stand in the middle of the aisle while assessing your dried fruit options.
Quit blocking the aisles while you aimlessly wander about searching for those tricolored baby carrots you got last time. That shit is gone, man. You need to let it go. And for that matter, don't stand in everyone's way for 10 minutes while you determine whether to buy the organic chunky sunflower seed butter or the organic creamy sunflower seed butter. They cost 50 cents combined, just get both and MOVE!

Your kids.
Your fucking kids OMFG PUT A LEASH ON IT.

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travelingmonkey/Flickr
You're a sample hog, plain and simple.
It's a sample, not lunch! Now get the fuck out of the way so I can get my five Dixie cups of pad thai. Next up, perfectly mixing my sip of coffee with sugar and soymilk.

You're in your gym clothes or pajamas.

You're not 12 ― put on some real pants. You've left the house and people are forced to gaze upon you. And what if you were to die in a freak accident when a Charles Shaw display fell on you? Is this how you want to be remembered? As a grown-ass fool in stretch lycra who can't afford to shop at Whole Foods? Don't answer that.

You have fifteen items in the ten-item line.
That's just cheating, son. If you want to see the skinny white bitches in yoga pants turn ghetto in 5 seconds flat, just try it. I'll be there backing them up because yo, it says TEN items, can't you read!? And no, having fifteen boxes of the same cereal doesn't count.

You don't chip in.
Pack your own damn groceries, lazy! Pitch in and let's keep this line moving. I still have to get to Whole Foods, Safeway, and Food 4 Less to get the shit they don't sell here. And you can ditch that smugly superior look when you take out your own bags. I forgot mine at home, okay? Quit patting yourself on the back for shopping at Trader Joe's; all your money is going to the same red corporate America. Stop trying to make yourself feel like you're all green and locavore and shit, you're just as trashy as the people who shop at Safeway; you just have 10,000 reusable bags and like better olives, cheese, and frozen foods. On that note, make sure to pick up the frozen "El Super Authentico Burrito," it's off the chain.

And perhaps most importantly, you hate other people who shop at Trader Joe's because you hate yourself.
You're pushy, consumeristic, and gluttonous. Other shoppers project unto you everything you hate about yourself; a mirror held up to the hellscape of your own existence. Enjoy those flax seed chips and spicy hummus until they're inevitably discontinued; they'll be doing the same!

Prior rants:
- This Is Why Your Coffee Shop Waitress Hates You
- This Is Why Your Bartender Hates You
- This Is Why Your Whole Foods Cashier Hates You
- This Is Why Your Waiter Hates You

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus and tweets at @mrpenguino. Follow SFoodie at @sfoodie.

My Voice Nation Help
206 comments
Honey
Honey

Where to you recommend we stand while chosing an item?  You are showing your true colors as a selfish individual who only cares about getting your "stuff" and going home to lock your doors and pretend that you don't need the working class who are oppressed and exploited by their labor so that you can spend whatever slave wage the Capitalists pay you to stuff your face and shit. You are the perfectly molded callous individual of Capitalist bourgeois society. It's ironic that you waste your time criticizing it.

Honey
Honey

"Just as trashy as the people who shop at Safeway"

And why would you denigrate working people who shop at Safeway.  Are you an opportunist serving the interests of Monopoly Corporations who do their best to divide working people and keep them focused on stupid things like this blog?  One injury or illness and you will face the most frightening uncertainty now that the Capitalist Democrats and Republicans have dismantled and cut many social programs and safety nets. You may be at Safeway sooner than you think. You need a little Marxism Leninism in your life.  It will demonstrate that you can't think beyond or outside of Bourgeois ideology.

Honey
Honey

"Quit patting yourself on the back for shopping at Trader Joe's; all your money is going to the same red corporate America. Stop trying to make yourself feel like you're all green and locavore and shit, you're just as trashy as the people who shop at Safeway; you just have 10,000 reusable bags and like better olives, cheese, and frozen foods. On that note, make sure to pick up the frozen "El Super Authentico Burrito," it's off the chain."

Red corporate America.  Wrong.  It's called Imperialism, the highest stage of Capitalism. Only Communism is the answer to future humanity.  Not the communism you were taught in school by the billionaire financial oligarchy who own companies like Trader Joe's but real communism, Stalin's communism. The working class example set by the Bolshevik revolution and  Soviet Union before Khruschev was such an example for the world to follow that after 1947 the ruling US bourgeoisie purposely brainwashed the working people of the US and other Imperialist countries (and also bribed trade unions) that Communism and Fascism are the same thing.  They are polar opposites!  It was Stalin's army who defeated 90% of the Hitlerite forces.  We owe the Soviets eternal gratitude!   Just look at the speeches that Roosevelt, Churchill and DeGaulle made praising Stalin.  That had to change for the bourgeoisie to continue their rule over us. 

Honey
Honey

"You're pushy, consumeristic, and gluttonous. Other shoppers project unto you everything you hate about yourself"

It is a consumerist gluttonous capitalist world caused by overproduction.  I notice this too.  However, I go there to save a few bucks.  I am  get very disillusioned about how self serving people are when I leave there. I don't need a pound of Belgian chocolate or  at tub of cookies.  So I don't think I'm projecting what I dislike about some shoppers at stores on to myself. In other words we can hate things that we observe but it doesn't mean that we partake in it.  That's like saying I am racist because I hate racist people.

douglaspais
douglaspais

Please tell me more about the "El Super Authentico Burrito," as I couldn't find it at my local (Los Angeles) location. Thank you.

na2benl
na2benl

You hit every nail on the head Laura! Freaking hilarious chica!

TheGDog
TheGDog

RE: The Aisle blocking thing. Right? It's like Oh My Mother-fOcking Gawd!  Did you not get the memo or something? Move-the FAWK-over to the side of the trail nimrods! Or you're gonna get run-down!  And oh yeah... ya might wanna close your mouth that's hanging open catching flies... it REALLY makes you look retarded as all get-out when you do that. Especially when you rubber-neck all around whilst standing dead-freakin-center in the aisle. Did somebody leave your door unlocked at the Alzheimer's home?

DixonThinks
DixonThinks

This pretty much describes everyone at Trader Joe's...  although the aisle blocking thing is beyond annoying.

joesbeard
joesbeard

As a TJ's employee I want to make my dreams come true. This is right on the money.

Jose Rivera
Jose Rivera

From my own experience, this is spot on! From the parking lot all the way through to bagging the groceries and everything in between, literally. I often wonder why I keep going back...twice a week.

Joe Antos
Joe Antos

The Kids with the Mini Baskets!...wth!..

Sylvia Tsesmelis Karalis
Sylvia Tsesmelis Karalis

My fav..."You're in your gym clothes or pajamas. You're not 12 ― put on some real pants. You've left the house and people are forced to gaze upon you. And what if you were to die in a freak accident when a Charles Shaw display fell on you? Is this how you want to be remembered? As a grown-ass fool in stretch lycra who can't afford to shop at Whole Foods? Don't answer that." HA HA HA HA :)

Belena Stanford
Belena Stanford

This is a terrible article and not the least bit funny. At all.

Diane Dillon
Diane Dillon

seriously lame article? i just wasted time i will never get back. Its not smart, funny...just f'ed up...might be time to delete this page

unowho
unowho

We want to like you Trader Joe's shoppers, we really do.  Here are things you can do to help us: 

Don't dig through everything like you're at a rummage sale- we try to make things look nice for you and besides, it makes us wonder how you keep your own home.  We like to help but if you are looking for Hawaiian chips it is a pretty safe bet you will find them down the aisle with all the big shiny plastic bags that have chips in them--not too difficult to walk down 4 aisles.  

Just because you are shopping here doesn't entitle you to eat up all the demo samples. Taking additional samples makes you look really really bad.  What kind of manners were you taught? None, I see.  Oh, and keep your kids away from the demo, this isn't snack time and it's not cute when they come back time and time again.  Also, this isn't Starbucks, the coffee is a sample too so leave your big cups at home...seriously?!! 

Throw your demo cup and coffee cup in the  "trash can".  Leaving it randomly on a shelf or on any flat surface once again shows how piggish you probably are at your own home.

If you swear that we carry a product that you've bought at TJ's before and we've never carried it we will be internally rolling our eyes and laughing about you in the back room.  

Don't stand at the checkout like stunned aliens watching us bag everything.  You know who you are, the "better than thou" couples or family groups. Here's you:  "I am so sophisticated that I do not bag my own groceries and I buy 3 dollar wine."  Uh, thanks for entertaining us.  Grab a bag and stop being so delusional, you are no better than anyone else.

Put your carts back people.  Our parking lots are not that big, you can DO it!  Most of you could use the extra exercise that little walk would provide.  If you can't manage it, (excluding disabled people),we hope your car gets the dents it deserves.  

P.S.  You are not that important. Just because you wrote to ask for a TJ's in your area, you are not thee one that brought it there...sorry to burst your bubble.

david926
david926

I found this hilarious and so TRUE , I also work at the JOE , and witness these things daily., however you failed to mention the 75% of shoppers who are either texting or talking on there devices the whole time they're in the store,I've seen some customers wheel their cart down the aisles multiple times because they can't concentrate on what they're doing, multi tasking? I don't think so

chiefquezikiah
chiefquezikiah

This article has a lot of negativity attached to it. Every time I've ever been to Trader Joe's the employees seem really nice/supportive and the overall experience is a positive one. Why is the author so intent on spreading Hate? I viewed some of the past articles as well, and they always have a negative, disrespectful vibe towards the reader or perhaps a particular type of person the writer doesn't like. I would appreciate more positive articles from the author. It seems if the author is trying to bring attention to aspects they don't like about places/people/things because they like to spread negativity and hatred.


I would encourage the author to use positivity to empower her readers instead of alienate, create/promote stereotypes and incite hate. This is one of the main reasons that mainstream journalism has turned into garbage. I think the author would have a much more successful time at gaining a larger, supportive audience if she focused on informing her readers positively of issues she wished to see changed offering positive solutions/examples rather than empty words of complaint, depreciation and hate. 


(Especially if you're going to call yourself a Vegan Ms. Beck) You are setting a poor example for the compassionate nature that is Veganism. If you wish to see change in the world, you can't degrade the people you wish to change. I think Ghandi said it best when he said "Be the Change you wish to see in the world". Instead of spreading hate to your readers please choose to empower them. 


The power of Love is much more powerful than the power of Hate. I will hold a positive space in my heart for you that you will have a change in your heart.  To change your fearful ways of spreading negativity and hate about  the people you maliciously prey on in your articles. Which in truth only reveals all of the negativity and ugliness you hold towards yourself (and/or those who have done you wrong). 


I wish you peace in forgiving and healing whatever wounds that have caused you to have such a negative, pessimistic and degrading view of your self and others in a public forum. 


I hope that you consider using your platform to empower yourself, your readers and instead of slinging mud or inciting hate you decide to write something positive that informs readers of problems you feel exist and provide practical solutions. 


Otherwise what you're doing is equally as bad (if not worse) than these alleged problems that you have negatively outlined in your article. 


If the author doesn't wish to empower or write positive articles, then I say to the institutions that provide a platform for free lance journalists such as Ms. Beck to remove them from their rotation. For too long we have been beat over the head with fear, hate and negative programming from mainstream media outlets. 


This article is attempting to stereotype the clientele of Trader Joe's and quite frankly it straight up supports intolerance. 


If you disagree with this article or the author's connotation, you should speak up immediately. It is the only way we can keep this type of negativity from polluting all of the positive work that other people/organizations are pumping into their communities.   


Patience is a virtue.


To the Author's Last Point:


"And perhaps most importantly, you hate other people who shop at Trader Joe's because you hate yourself. 

You're pushy, consumeristic, and gluttonous. Other shoppers project unto you everything you hate about yourself; a mirror held up to the hellscape of your own existence. Enjoy those flax seed chips and spicy hummus until they're inevitably discontinued; they'll be doing the same!"

Ms. Beck, in my opinion this article and that last point say more about what you think about yourself than what other people are thinking at Trader Joe's. Most people I've met at Trader Joe's are generally nice, friendly and patient. You proved your own point against yourself and in my opinion, you couldn't be more right. 

Maybe you just write these articles to create a stir and maybe you're nothing in real person like what you write throughout your various media outlets. If that's the case then I strongly urge to stand up for spreading love and quit putting on a fake persona to incite hate/fear.

If this is not the case and you are exactly like the material you write in real life then I strongly urge you Ms. Beck to think about the effects/influence that your words/actions are having on the internet in general, readers/people and society. Is it a positive or negative one?  Do you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution? I encourage you to use your accomplishments/platform for love, truth and purpose. 

I pray you find peace, love and healing.  I ask you to look inside and reconsider how what you write reflects your view of yourself, your reality and your relationship with Love. Choose Love over Fear. 

Anyone looking for information/articles/blogging about the positive aspects of health, well being, and vegan lifestyle that are designed to self empower, promote positive change and provide a positive support group for all (not just strict vegans), check out: www.stlvegan.com. Thank you for reading.  

Please remember, we were put here on this Earth to encourage one another; Not to tear each other down. 

Sincerely,
ChiefQuezikiah

TRae
TRae

From my Aunt Wendy:  As I was being a good TJs shopper on Sunday...grab & go, grab & go and explaining to my friend: this is how you shop at TJs on a Sunday afternoon, there was a lady lollygagging in front of the cheese display taking up way too much room who said "Well, what if you don't know what you want?"
So to add to the list: If you don't know what you want (and how couldn't you, there's very limited pickins people) then stay the F home until you do! Or at least shop on a Tuesday at 10am when all the rest of us are at work or school. ;)

dreamwalker9
dreamwalker9

Absolutely hysterical!  I love your article and I don't take any of it seriously.  I am a TJ's employee and we have some really terrific customers.  And just like anyplace, we have some people I wish would stay home, but mostly - really great people. And I've work a lot of retail, enough to know that the TJ's customers are different and special.  We have people who get out of town visitors and TJ's is on the sight seeing tour!  A grocery store!  Great People!

And to those of you who are getting upset about the article - you are taking it WAY to seriously!  Lighten up!  You have to be able to laugh at yourself.  Yes, some of it is mean - eh!  Not serious!

missmistymoo
missmistymoo

OMG shopping in the SF Trader Joe's is so stressful! I went to the one in Colma recently, DURING DINNER RUSH, and it was a calm, quiet oasis. Great list, Laura - you know how to tickle my funny bone! <3

Olivia Fletcher
Olivia Fletcher

Wow. Is it just me, or was that just nasty and not funny at all?

Karl Wilder
Karl Wilder

That was just dumb. You should have left it in the vault.

mclark11
mclark11

This is f-ing hysterical but you left out the f-king people (hate to sound racist usually older white women trying to pretend their hip) who reach in front of you and don't say excuse me because they're snob ass bitches. Also, if you see the aisle is full of carts and peeps, just park your cart at the end of the aisle or in the front so there's less congestion and I can slip in and get my shit and get out fast.  :-)


vladimP.
vladimP.

I work at trader joe's and can't believe how whiny you customers have become...seriously get a life !!! american shoppers have this annoying habit of being enforcers, snitches, etc... while treating employees like complete dirt, being inpolite and having this entitlement attitude. Americans have NO respect for working class people with name tags while they elevate business men, people who make tons of money no matter how honestly that was done. This place has turned into a HATE place where shitheads find nothing better to do than complain about Trader Joe's, THE ONLY place where you get customer service, basic courtesy, and wehre you get your money back when you return a DEAD plant. 

HOW ANNOYING ARE YOU !!! try doing a war tour of Afghanistan or IRAQ may be that will wake you up.

briansays
briansays

all true not to mention the shopping cart left in the lot to roll into the side of your car

i've concluded their lower prices/bargains tend to bring a greater percentage but not exclusively group of lower income/lower educated/lower intelligent folks

still though employees are super nice and notice and chat up regulars and mine just happens to be 2 doors down from my sportsbar with full nfl package on sunday mornings

jjlasne
jjlasne

A few things annoying at any stores but especially at TJ' s: dogs in store - not sure this is legal in California-, crowds around the free samples like a distribution of UN rice at a refugee camp - same problem at Costco - and the habit of elderly retirees to shop on weekends when they have the whole week to do so. And of course, the inability of the average SF Bay Area driver to handle driving and parking in a small lot.

jjlasne
jjlasne

Quite funny must I say. May I add that Trader Joe's is owned by the richest family in Germany, not corporate America.

tjskp
tjskp

lindsey, learn to pay attention to your register screen. As a Trader Joe's employee, I will tell you when I hit "15x" and scan the one box of cereal, the item quantity count at the bottom left of screen STILL tells me I sold FIFTEEN items... not one. One line of code on your receipt does not make for one item sold.

Epuckett1986
Epuckett1986

You're a fuckinh ignorant piece of shit. No one cares about your pretencious opinion and you should seriously consider taking yourself out to the parking lot and fucking yourself up the ass.

-tj owner and operator Athens, ga

Nathan
Nathan

Wow, Ms. Beck, you sure are filled with a lot of anger and hatred of Trader Joe's and the people who shop there. Perhaps you should take a few moments to calm down and think about finding another grocery store--there are several options--before you make yourself look like someone without anything to offer except bile and rage.

Well, I guess it's too late for that, but you should still look for another store.

CccJjj
CccJjj

This is typical of a self absorbed twit. Who did you fuck to get your job?

Jeff Mandell
Jeff Mandell

Another reason why I'm grateful I live in Minneapolis and not SF.

cweatherhead
cweatherhead

Allow me to correct you. This is absolutely SPOT ON!

bjtrains9
bjtrains9

Haha awesome! Hey there from #212

charicola
charicola

@unowho   Heh heh..I imagine I might know just who YOU are...lmao...Ah TJ's....And aaahhh store #78....It seems like the 11 years I spent there flew by...oh wait...no. Well said.

mochs.02
mochs.02

@chiefquezikiah Take everything with a grain of salt. It is called humor... sarcasm.... Social commentary.....


OH and PS: Speak up if you disagree with Ms Beck so her columns are Removed?? This is not North Korea, fuck censorship. Everyone has a right to their own opinions/forms of expression.

MANC
MANC

@chiefquezikiah  

You obviously don't work in retail.  Or don't want to make it appear as if you do.  Venting and blowing off steam is part of the retail employment experience.  
When you've stood at a register, for several hours, bagging the groceries of 50+ transactions per day who stand motionless as you do so, without so much as uttering a spoken word away from their smartphones, then only then will I consider your advice valid in any consideration.


And who the hell are you to judge?  You may find it easier to overcome the negative energy people throw at us every day, but you are not better than us.  

As far as I'm concerned, the writer of this article is a saint for taking their aggression toward the people they have to deal with day in and day out on a digital canvas rather than throwing Aloe Vera bottles at these people.


bjtrains9
bjtrains9

You must have never worked in retail. I'd love to hear your opinion after dealing with people who don't talk to you while you ring them up, rather, they are talking on their phone, looking into space, ignoring you. People are allowed to vent. Welcome to the USA. @oliviafletcher

Snap
Snap

@jjlasne FYI some retirees do other things with their time during the week and don't need to go shopping on the week so you don't need to see them on the weekends.  My mother who is retired is extremely busy.

charicola
charicola

@jjlasne   Yes they're privately owned by a German family who are amongst the richest people in the world.  They also own the European chain called Aldi, which is designed very similarly to TJ's.  TJ's workers are NOT union and are discouraged from even thinking about that aspect of the business.

bjtrains9
bjtrains9

Yeh.. You don't own a TJs. Idiot. @epuckett1986

charicola
charicola

@Epuckett1986   There is no such thing as a TJ owner/operator you liar... they're not a franchise, but are owned privately, you dork.

dreamwalker9
dreamwalker9

@Epuckett1986 I didn't know TJ's were privately owned???  NOT

Brendan Bartholomew
Brendan Bartholomew

Hey CccJjj, would you be asking who Beck fucked to get this job if she was a man?

Didn't think so.

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