Eat a Goddamn Carrot, Go to Fresno, Save a Fish

Categories: Vegan

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SFoodie's roundup of tips, news, and rants from the week in animal-free eats.

The Onion has this amazing video up of what the FDA could be like if they were honest. You just buy a bag of fucking carrots and you eat them the way you'd normally eat a package of hot dogs, okay? Watch:

• OMFGYG Souley Vegan is the Groupon for the day! That's half off the tastiest food in all the land! Now I can eat 15 Toasty Crispys and can't none of you fools stop me! If you any amount of love for your own person, you will buy the max immediately.

• A rooster killed a cock fighter. The jokes, they write themselves. You play with roosters who have razor blades attached to their legs, you get your throat slit. Simple math.

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Valentine's cutie from Sweet Elites Bakery. In Fresno.
​• Did you know that there's a vegan bakery in FRESNO!? Say whaaaa? Do I have to stop making fun of Fresno now? Because I'll kill myself. Anyway, Sweet Elites Bakery is up and running for all your cupcake needs in FRESNO. I can't get over this. Anyway, their Valentine's Day cupcakes look amazing and I'd like 50 immediately plus a marriage proposal and some candy.

• You eat fish? It's yummy, right? You know how those fish are killed, right? Oh, they're just skinned alive. The next time you sit down to that fried catfish, you think of this video and you enjoy your tortured dead animal, you sociopath! This also reminds me of that interview with Mark Bittman on KQED's Forum. Bittman can't publish an updated version of his fish cookbook because too many of the recipes are for fish that are either extinct or highly endangered. Daaaaaang. That's the thing, as people move away from eating so much red meat (a good thing!), they just end up eating more chickens and fish (not a good thing). Knock it off, people!

• You guys, this is really rad: China bans animals in circuses! Excellent news! This makes me more comfortable with the idea that we'll all be working as slaves for China within 10-20 years.

• Turns out some of those dead birds falling from the sky are because the U.S. government is killing them to protect massive animal agriculture operations. Annnnnd THAT'S why I don't pay my taxes! Well, that and I don't legally make enough money to pay taxes. Freelancers, can I get a WHAT WHAT?

• In excellent news, the Humane Society of the United States, Farm Sanctuary, and a few other nonprofits have introduced a ballot initiative in Washington State that would ban battery cages and the sale of battery eggs by 2018. Tell everyone you know in Washington State what's up and that they need to get involved so we can get these fuckers abolished pronto-pronto.

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus and tweets at @mrpenguino. Follow SFoodie at @sfoodie.

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