Cook to Bang: How to Get Into a Girl's Pants, One Crappy Recipe at a Time

It's like Maxim meets Rachael Ray.

​Cookbooks written expressly for the purpose of snagging a mate are nothing new, but usually they're targeted toward women and sprinkled with cringe-inducing terms like "bachelor chow." There simply aren't that many cookbooks written for the fratboy crowd. Luckily, a man named Spencer Walker has identified this trucker-hat- and popped-collar-shaped hole in the market, and filled it with a book called Cook to Bang (St. Martin's Griffin, $13.99), scheduled for release on May 11.

"Spencer shows you how to identify the type of girl you want to bang, what to cook for her, and how to smoothly move from the kitchen to the bedroom," reads the breathless press release that landed in our inbox. "For any dude who's tired of dropping good money on dates that only get him a kiss on the cheek, Cook to Bang is a fool-proof guide to 'getting some' on the cheap."

Much like the book's title, the names of Walker's recipes don't truck with subtlety. What girl wouldn't immediately disrobe when served Oral Tator-Splosions or Get Stuffed and Bust-a-Nut Squash? Who among us hasn't been halfway out the door when a guy murmured, "Wait, I've got Diddle That Cous Cous on the stove top"?
 

The Dreamy Steamy Fish: Not so hot.

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The book's website is particularly obsessed with the advantages of having your date "already in your lair." (Free tip to dudes who might be reading this: Referring to your home as a "lair" sounds some major alarm bells.) But don't worry! Walker is totally not suggesting you serve your So Ready to Meat My Balls with a side of roofie cocktails:

"Keep drinks flowing. Be a good host always. Don't misconstrue this to mean get your date wasted so you can take advantage. But a little libation lubrication never hurt nobody. Be ever mindful of their comfort level, which means keeping their glass full, their mind entertained, and their interest piqued. Another glass of Merlot?"

Okay, so get them drunk in your lair, but don't take advantage of them. Thank you for clearing that up!

Oh yeah, and the food? Unless a pile of fish sitting on top of cubes of tofu really gets you hot and bothered, you're probably better off ordering pizza.