Everything's Better With Bacon

By Meredith Brody

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I just heard about this new spread, Baconnaise, which is just what it sounds like: Bacon-flavored mayonnaise. Which makes a certain amount of sense. "It's made up of two things you like to eat together anyway," said the person from which I received this knowledge (about which more anon), plus there's loads of flavored mayos out there, anyway: Garlic-flavored (aka aioli), chipotle, lime juice. Best Foods even has a line of flavored light mayonnaise that includes a trademarked Bacon & Tomato Twist, just in case you think there's something new under the sun, as well as Garlic Paradise and Herb Sensation, none of which I've run across in my incessant supermarket-shelf-sweeping.

A little clicking around of the Web site will reveal that the product was launched on October 30 (seems a little too close to Halloween for comfort for me, but who knows, maybe there's a tie-in somewhere, somehow) with what they claim was the world's first ever mayonnaise wrestling match (held in a Seattle nightclub in a ring filled with 200 gallons of mayonnaise, which doesn't seem like all that much to me).

What seems even odder to me is the claim that the product is vegetarian safe--even the Web site follows that claim with an exclamation point--as apparently is their other big product, bacon salt. (And it's kosher!) Kosher bacon seems even more unlikely than their Baconnaise Lite ("1/2 the fat and 1/3 the calories of regular').

But back to where I heard about Baconnaise: On The Bonnie Hunt Show, despite my no-daytime-TV rule. Unless it's The View. Or Oprah's favorite things. Or you're sick in bed, or heartsick, or something. In my defense, it's the first time I've ever watched the show, despite the fact that I've always found her absolutely charming--as does David Letterman, who is so much a fan he's produced two TV shows for her (The Building and The Bonnie Hunt Show, later re-titled Bonnie according to Wikipedia).

Anyway, Bonnie used Baconnaise to introduce a comedy bit of other combined products, complete with faked-up, realistic-looking packaging containers: Oreeilk (chunks of Oreos in a bottle of milk), Porksicles ("They would be good with Baconnaise!"), Gravatoes (a cooked baked potato with gravy already in it, behind a cork), Cottage Cheetos, Celuttery (peanut-butter stuffed celery sticks, which I bet you can buy next to the devilled eggs in some upscale deli right this minute), and Meatloafchup (chunks of meatloaf in ketchup). I kinda thought the writers might have spent a few more minutes coming up with the names, especially the awkward Oreeilk. (I don't think the writers had even clicked around the Baconnaise Web site enough to learn that the Baconnaise guys, Justin and Dave, got their first round of financing when Dave's 3-year-old son won $5,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos, and hey! Tom Bergeron was a guest on the self-same episode.)

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But enough about unlikely food products, kosher or not. I have to go watch the end of the show. Bonnie gave three audience members $50 each to go down the street in Culver City to a thrift store and come back with a complete outfit. I like thrift stores maybe even more than I like bacon.



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