Season 2 of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic picks up where the pilot episode left off, with equally mixed results.
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When I was 17, my then-boyfriend's little brother threatened to kill me.
They are sneakier than they look.
The family's apartment was small, so his brother's desktop computer sat directly beside the television. From where I usually sat on the couch, I could see everything his brother was typing, which was usually about homework or vampires. But one evening he decided to expand his repertoire.
"Hey you," he wrote, typing the words over and over until I was sure to have seen them. "Yes, you. The blonde on the couch. You need to stop doing your laundry here and eating all of my food. I am going to kill you."
By this point, I had begun to realize that my boyfriend was deeply disturbed -- a sociopath, even, who seemed blissfully unaware of the concept of "feelings." So when his little brother threatened me, it became suddenly obvious that the whole family was crazy. A wave of hot terror rushed over me as I retreated to the bathroom, where I hid until he had gone to bed.
Was he joking? I don't know -- I never stepped foot in that apartment again when he was awake. And I hadn't thought about the incident in years until I started watching Game of Thrones. Now I suddenly want revenge, just like nearly everyone vying for the throne in Westeros. I want to use my superior internet stalking skills to find out where he lives and cover his car with bologna in the night.
I also keep having dreams that I'm fending off the rapey, groping advances of creepers like Dagmer Cleftjaw and Lord Vargo Hoat. Also, "goathelm" is now a word in my vocabulary. This is my brain on Thrones.
On to the awards. This week's go to...
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As Season 1 draws to a close, the Mane Six discover the pitfalls of expectation. 
This week on Game of Thrones: As king, Joffrey proves himself vicious, stupid, and shit covered; Theon Greyjoy's dubious success makes him horny; Daenerys Targaryen's claim to fame is stolen; and Sansa Stark discovers her guardian angel is a seven-foot-tall wrestling would-be superstar. Also, wildling sex.
"I know it's cold, but this hair is too beautiful for hats."
And the awards go to...
Corn! Award: King Joffrey
Much like a raven shouting for corn, the people of King's Landing are hungry and shouting for food. So after King Joffrey sees his sister off to Dorne and mocks his little brother for crying, he is publicly showered with facetious adoration -- and a giant wad of feces. With a giant shit smear on the side of his face, he begins futilely shouting for the execution of, um, everyone in the kingdom, and a riot to breaks out. One member of the royal party is literally ried limb from limb, and a man hoists his severed arm overhead like an MVP bowling trophy. Blood! Guts! Gore! Corn!
Pinkie Pie and Spike both face their fears of rejection. And they both blink.
This week on Game of Thrones: Arya Stark proves that her mind is as sharp as her sword; Renly Barathon realizes, brutally and suddenly, that his best days are behind him; Theon Greyjoy, tired of being bullied, sets his sights on Winterfell; and Catelyn Stark gains a badass new best friend.
Besties!
This week, the major players in the Game of Thrones will be graded on their general performance, including skill, cleverness, personal advancement, and overall bad-assery. Also, since it's common knowledge that he needs to be medievally tortured ASAP, which of the players deserves to murder King Joffrey the most? Let the games begin.
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How did The Mane Six get their cutie marks? The Crusaders find out in this pivotal, backstory-building episode.
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This week on Game of Thrones: Stannis and Renly Baratheon call each other stupid, threaten each other with death; Daenerys Targaryen and her khalasar arrive at the gates of the "greatest city that ever was or will be;" Arya Stark is held prisoner in the most depressing place that ever was or will be, at least until season three; and Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre become the proud parents of my nightmares.
And horrifying smoke demon makes three?
And the awards go to...
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From natives' rights to other people's pets, no issue is too big or too small to be meddled in by a well-meaning pony.
(Relevant self-pimpage: I'm the guest on Episode 50 of the Bronyville Podcast! You can find it on iTunes and/or BronyShow.com.)
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