How to Write Someone a First Message Online

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I have no idea how to write a first message to someone on a dating site. I pick something that they have in common with me and mention I noticed it blah, blah, blah. No one ever responds, or if they do, it's usually them saying I seemed rude or critical and I have no intention of being like that. I must have a tone that everyone notices but me in my writing. Please tell me what a first message should say so I can actually get a response from anyone.  

~Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone


Dear SFMVWP,

I wish you would've sent examples! You see, expressing a shared commonality doesn't typically lead to a reply of hostility. Is your prose dripping with sarcasm? Are you like, "You like Grand Theft Auto, huh? Me too! I don't think playing video games well into your 30s is a form of functional retardation. At all."

Obviously what you say in your first message will vary considerably from person to person. (As a refresher, here are five ways to ensure you receive better messages.) Despite the variation, there are, of course, a few ground rules. They are as follows.

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Lay the Smackdown on Overzealous Facebook Self-Promoters

Categories: Advice, Technology
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As a blogger, I understand the importance of building an audience through inexperienced means. However, I'm becoming so irritated by bloggers who spam Facebook groups every time they write a new blog post. I'm part of a dozen or so groups for people who recover from "spiritual abuse" (abuse from churches and clergy). There are a few bloggers who spam all 12 of these groups every two days. It's so irritating. This happens with others who provide meaningful content, but one person in particular posts her newest article on at least 20 groups or pages, including mine. Can you explain the difference between contributing to a group with meaningful conversation and topics, and overwhelming a small community with useless posts? Also, can you explain the importance of bloggers developing an advertising budget to gain readers? I know some bloggers are on a budget, but they should know that spending a few dollars a week on advertising can really develop quality "likes" or followers, as opposed to people blocking them on Facebook because they spam EVERY GROUP THEY ARE PART OF.

That IS annoying. It also seems incredibly time-consuming for the poster, for very little return on investment. (Oh, look at me. all business speak-y!) Perhaps the main purposes for belonging to a Facebook group (and there are many) is to socialize around a given topic or community. It's a major faux pas to use a group in order to frequently and unabashedly promote yourself. Not everyone knows or adheres to this, however.

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LinkedIn Can Be Useful Outside the Job Search

Categories: Advice, Technology

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I'm one of the few lucky people who has a steady job, one that I don't plan on leaving for a while, barring something catastrophic happening. Meanwhile, I keep getting LinkedIn requests to "connect" to people, usually those I don't know very well. I just accept them and move on, but I wonder whether I should do more with this site? Does it have any usefulness for those who are already employed? Has anyone actually found a job because of LinkedIn?

~Breaking the Chain

I personally don't know anyone who's landed a job through LinkedIn alone, but I don't go around asking people about LinkedIn, and very few of my friends are like, "Hey, I have thoughts about LinkedIn you should hear!" That said, it's a tool like any other, and if utilized properly, it can yield advantages, depending on what you're looking for. It is, however, still primarily used as a job board and storer of resumes, but it does have other functions. As my friend, who is employed and who works in the film editing biz, put it, "I like to think of LinkedIn as an online Rolodex of sorts. LinkedIn lets you check to see what your contacts are up to, if only to see where they're at, where they've been, and who else they may know. It's great if you work in an industry that is ALL about who you know!"

Because networking is still the best way to access professional gains, it doesn't hurt to cast as wide a net as possible. What makes LinkedIn useful? Let's explore.

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Wired Gadgets, Geico Cavemen, Bartók, and Alice Walker: It's Pop-Up Magazine

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Can you envision a "live magazine?" How about an event that combines the best parts of your favorite magazine, like great writing, unusual and illuminating topics, and beautiful, challenging images, with the spontaneity, ephemerality, and added sensory elements such as live music? Pop-Up Magazine is that event, and in its short existence (it has produced six issues in three years) it has become one of the city's most exciting cultural happenings. Tickets to the production sell out in minutes, and presenting at the event has become something like appearing on Saturday Night Live for intellectuals, a high-profile career touchstone earned on stage. Photography and recording is prohibited, so we give you what we can with images from a party associated with the event.More >>

When You Should -- and Shouldn't -- Leave Your Phone on the Table

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In brief, what to do about phones out at restaurants/bars? I don't mean using the phones, but phones on the table. Bad manners or no? 

Yes, it's bad manners. Even if you're not, like, using your phone to catapult birds at feral pigs, or some other obviously rude behavior, the simple fact that you have it out on the table in plain sight shows that the person or people actually with you and talking to you and looking at pictures of your Yorkshire terrier wearing a tiara again are less important than the gadget itself, or the theoretical people who might text or tweet you. It sends a subtle sign: You're not significant enough for me to give my full attention to. 

There are, of course, exceptions to this rule. I'd make y'all a flowchart, but I'm waiting for a really important text. So, here they are, in word-form. Also, as a refresher, read: When to stop texting and use your phone as a phone

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Artists Put Their Creative Skills to Technological Use in Exhibit "Intimate Science"

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This installation by someone (or someones) called Machine Project debuted at Carnegie Mellon University. Tonight it's in San Francisco.
Mushrooms are the new plastics. At least according to San Francisco artist Philip Ross, a man who has spent years coaxing reishi mushrooms into the shapes of blocks and other architectural forms in the hope that they could be the next environmentally friendly construction material. Ross is one of a new breed of artists who are equal parts rigorous scientist and creation junkie. He is also the instigator of the local Critter science salons at which attendees learn about topics including plant cloning and edible insects, and one of the artists in the group show "Intimate Science," which opens Friday (April 20) at Southern Exposure. These creators share an interest in making science and technology accessible to those who don't normally spend their waking hours in a laboratory.

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How Facebook Can Make Your Life a Romantic Comedy

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Fucking Facebook. I have two FB friends who have really similar names and long black hair and who post a lot about work. One of them I'm close with -- we'll call her Jenny Smith. The other I worked with once, probs won't hang with her again -- we'll call her Jemima Schmidt. However, Jemima posted something the other day and thinking she was Jenny, I commented, "Let's have lunch this week!!" Now she wants to have lunch with me! Anna, awkward! I don't really want to spend the money, time and effort to go out to lunch with this girl. What do I do?


~Facebook Friend-Switcher

That Jemima Schmidt! In a perfect world, you could absolutely tell her, "Oops! I thought you were someone I actually wanted to hang out with. Please ignore my slapdash comment that implied we had some kind of relationship!" Buuut, you can't. I mean, you could, but it's pretty cruel. And Jemima, despite being named after maple syrup and pancake mix, seems like an otherwise decent human being who doesn't deserve to be electronically nut-punched over your dyslexia.

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Oversharing Online: When to Draw the Line

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This isn't a personal problem per se, but I want to ask about online oversharing. The conversation for me has shifted from oversharing to people who constantly complain about oversharing. Like passive-aggressive status updates about "Do I need to see every photo you've posted/read every article you've read," and so on. It seems impossible to me to curb people's tendencies completely, so in a universe that encourages oversharing, how do you know when enough is enough?

When Wilford Brimley told me to stop tweeting him poetry. That was a "sign," if you will. "For neither the angels in heaven above / nor the demons down under the sea / could ever dissever / my soul from the soul / of the beautiful Wilford Brimley."

Just kidding! (He never told me to stop.)

You know though, I don't really get the oversharing lament. Or rather, I do get it, but it doesn't bother me.

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The Instagram iPhone/Android Debate Smacks of Insufferable Privilege

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Photo by Zach Vega, Wikipedia
When I saw Buzzfeed's collection of irate and infantile tweets in reaction to the announcement that hip photo filter app Instagram would no longer be exclusive to iPhone, but rather, released to the unwashed Android-using masses, I immediately recalled one of several brilliant bits from Louis C.K.'s stand-up special Hilarious.

"We're the worst people so far. Because we have this beautiful thing and we hate it. I never saw a person going 'Look at what my phone can do!' Nobody does that. They all go 'This fucking thing, it sucks! I can't get it to ... ugh!' Give it a second, would ya? Could you give it a second? It's going to space, can you give it a second to get back from SPACE?! ... 'I hate my phone, it sucks!' No, it doesn't! It's amazing! The shittiest cell phone in the world is a miracle!"

See more of Louis' argument in the video clip below.

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Author Jolie O'Dell on Android Photography, Hook-Up Apps, and Women in Tech

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Ken Yeung
Jolie O'Dell is one of my favorite San Francisco writers. In the brief time we've known each other, we have eaten lunch at a strip club, gone trampolining at the House of Air, and played charades at the Palace Hotel after Brian Wilson beat us both in the SF Weekly Web Awards for "Best Twitter Personality." By day she's a whipsmart tech journalist, formerly of Mashable, and now of VentureBeat. By night, you can find her waxing domestic at her kick-ass blog, The Single Housewife. O'Dell recently published her first book, Android Photography: A Guide to Mobile Creativity, which teaches you how to create, edit, and share pics with the Android's in-phone camera. Filled with practical tips, app low-downs, and lots of gorgeous photos to inspire, I want to buy this book and I don't even own an Android phone. O'Dell and I talked about her book, whether lesbian hook-up apps are a pipe dream, and Feminism 101.

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