How to Be a Successful Teenager

Author:Rick Jones
Date: 1994
Publisher: Chick Publications
Discovered at: San Jose estate sale

The Cover Promises: Being a teenager is a thing that you can fail at.

Representative Quotes:

"Judy thought satanism would be fun. But once she got on the inside, she saw things she wished she had never seen."

"Abortions bring in BIG money ...A doctor will make money, nurses will make money, a drug company will make money, a whole system will make money. So when someone asks you to have an abortion, ask yourself 'Who's best interest do they have in mind?'"

There's 299 more, just like this.

Sexercises

Author: Edward O'Reilly, M.A., M.S.P.E.
Date: 1968
Publisher: Pocket Books
Discovered at: San Francisco Library Book Sale

The Cover Promises: "More than 300 photographs" but not that those photos are almost all of the same skinny doof pelvic thrusting

Representative Quote:

Unfortunately, too many wives become physically unattractive because of lack of exercise.

Modern man, like modern woman, is deteriorating physically ... Automation and mechanization are producing more and more men who are seriously handicapped in the performance of the sex act."

Seventeen, America's Teen-age Magazine

Date: January, 1966
Publisher: Enid A. Haupt
Discovered at: Community Thrift, 623 Valencia

The Cover Promises: Adorkability will not ever be a thing.

Representative Quotes:

What's your secret wish? To have perfect skin? A magic-touch with make-up? To hide your glasses forever and ever? 1966 is the time to set your pace for prettiness!

The countryside here in Vietnam (pronounced "vee-eht-nahm") is like a big, beautiful picture postcard.

A small stack of United Daughters of the Confederacy Magazines

Dates: 1979, 1984, 1985
Publisher: The United Daughters of the Confederacy, Richmond, Va.
Discovered at: A bleak Kansas City estate sale

The Cover Promises: Awkward family photos meet stiff and creepy slave-owner cosplay.

Representative Quotes:

Ladies, we are being swept under the broom of history. The pen is mightier that the sword, and it has used a very strong broom on us. [December, 1985, page 32]

The Confederacy could well have been proud of their women. Their conduct during the war won them the wholehearted respect of their men. They were for secession and were solidly behind the men in their fight for the Southern cause. Relative to the feminine activist movement of today, it can be said that the War Between the States was the first step enabling women in this country to change their status and become recognized on their own merits in a heretofore all male dominated existence. [June, 1979, page 20]

Your Heiress Diary

Author: Paris Hilton, purportedly, although Merle Ginsberg gets a "with" credit. (He's probably not an heiress.) Also, the mystery diarist who wrote in and then donated this terrible book.
Date: 2005
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Discovered at: A thrift store somewhere in America

The Cover Promises: "Confess it all to me," which suggests that your secrets might be protected by some kind of Paris-client privilege.

Representative Quotes:

"Look in the mirror once a day and say, 'I'm an heiress! And I'm worth a bundle!!'" -- Paris Hilton, page 39

"I love competition! Goal-oriented! I have good hygiene -- always! I regularly go to the gym! I can sit in silence for hours!" -- Mystery diarist, page 23.

Adultery and Its Problems!

Author: Mrs. M. A. Daoud
Date: None given; presumably the late 1950s
Publisher: M. A. Daoud, Dallas, Texas
Discovered at: Antique Center, Oakland
The Cover Promises: The musical theater hit of 1968: Adultery and its Problems!

Representative Quote:

"Though both the man and woman that commit adultery are both guilty, for the deed could not be committed without the consent of both, yet the scriptures plainly show that women are more responsible to lead men astray ... and that only men without any sense or understanding will be trapped by such women."

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Problems of Sex Organ Size

Author: Paul Williamson, M.D.
Date: 1965
Publisher: Sexology
Discovered at: San Francisco estate sale
All Those Rulers on the Cover Suggest: That men's stats would sound much more impressive if we would have switched over to metric.

Representative Quote:

"I read somewhere that the penis shows more variation in size and structure than the male face. This is probably quite true."

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos issues 2 and 3

Author: Steve Ditko (penicls); Mike Esposito (inks); Jo Duffy (writer)
Date: 1987
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Discovered at: Thrift Town, El Cerrito

The Cover Promises: Chuck Norris wears a weird blue over-the-shirt bandeau bra emblazoned with his initials. ALSO: Steve Ditko was way too good to be drawing Chuck Norris.

Representative Quote:

"Well, there was a large reward offered to anyone who apprehended the thieves who were after the Banana 7000." (Issue two, page 22)

"And now, Chuck Norris, we will see which of us is the superior swordsman." (Issue three, page one)

The Ethel Cotton Course in Conversation

Author: Ethel Cotton Monahan
Date: 1960
Publisher: Conversation Studies
Discovered at: Out of the Closet Thrift Store, 1295 Folsom
The Cover Promises: Good conversation is like wearing a ballgown shaped like a Christmas tree.

Representative Quotes:

"Don't discuss detours, traffic cops, chicken dinners, and mileage."

"A woman who is interested in writing, sketching, singing, sewing, or any other activity is a richer companion during the hours of her leisure. Remember that, if your mind is blank or stagnant when you are alone, it is not likely to become suddenly alert and creative when you have company."

"The Star War"

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Big Star Wars article in Amerika Magazine

Date: 1978
Publisher: U.S. State Department
Discovered at: Online at http://epizodsspace.no-ip.org.

Back when neither had much else to do but try to show the other who was the most awesomest country ever to grace the great Risk board that is this planet, the United States and the Soviet Union both blew untold kabillions on spies, nukes, wars, and -- come to find out -- glossy magazine journalism.