Directed by Bruce Lee veteran Wei Lo, Slaughter in San Francisco was really shot in San Francisco, so it has that going for it. And if you've ever wanted to watch the barely sentient, Huckabee-approvin', Obama-hatin' slab of granite known as Chuck Norris play a villain who gets his ass kicked, it also has that going for it.

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"Cool" isn't what it used to be.

Studio-flattering man-child and Ain't It Cool News founder Harry Knowles' wretched new web series went online yesterday morning, but we're only getting around to writing about it now because it has taken that long to get our eyes to stop puking.

Unlike his website -- that baby-shit-brown eyesore where the exclamation points jut out like the rusty nails in an abandoned barn -- the web series is professionally produced by the usually tasteful folks at Nerdist.com. Still, much like the website, the five-minute premiere episode is wretched, a trip to the heart of geekdom that is intended to be whimsical but instead comes off as a braggy bleat from a needy fool.

Here are Harry's worst offenses.

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The Last Party is an unabashedly partisan documentary hosted by a mid-recovery Robert Downey, Jr., as both he and his generation (hey, that's us! Me, anyway!) try to make sense of the world they're inheriting. Through interviews with celebrities and civilians alike, this sense-making mission is set against the backdrop of the nonsensical 1992 election.

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I Was a Male War Bride (1949).

"Dad somewhat enjoyed being called gay," Cary Grant's daughter Jennifer wrote in her 2011 memoir. "He said it made women want to prove the assertion wrong."

The dashing Grant was clearly secure enough with himself to take on a gender-bending role in 1949. Howard Hawks' I Was a Male War Bride finds Grant in World War II Europe as the American accented French Army Capt. Henri Rochard. He plays opposite Ann Sheridan's actually American Lt. Catherine Gates.

The pair, thrown together on assignment, have an instant "sex antagonism," as Gates likes to call it. By circumstance and accident, she is given the dominant position of driving the motorcycle (with Rochard in the sidecar) and generally leading the mission.

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If you've seen Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, you have a pretty good idea of what The Gong Show is. If you haven't, or you don't, you soon will. You'll also know how incredibly sorry Chuck Barris felt for himself in the late 1970s, because that's entertainment!

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The Wizard of Speed and Time is a semi-autobiographical tale of a special effects wiz(ard) battling the Hollywood system. I speak from experience when I say it was an employee favorite at the Video Zone in Fresno back in the 1990s. It's still beloved by many of us.

Director Mike Jittlov stars as himself, and he also wrote, edited, scored, and co-produced the film -- and (duh) did the special effects. The majority of them are technically visual effects, not special effects, but I'm not here to split those hairs.

Instead, I'm here to praise a film that is not the only the greatest lost treasure of the VHS era -- oh yeah, I'm callin' it -- but of the Laserdisc era, too, and one that has been, sadly, out of distribution ever since.

Describing it as "pre-CGI" is too pat and too retconny. Rather, I prefer to think of Jittlov's approach as "I've got an optical printer, and I'm not afraid to use it."

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"Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young."

So quipped Captain Kirk to Dr. McCoy in The Wrath of Khan, and despite the fact that he turns 81 this month (looking better than many men 20 years younger), William Shatner has hardly taken that advice to heart. He's on a national tour with his one-man show, Shatner's World, which stops at the Orpheum Theatre for one show Sunday.

I think we know what to expect here: Captain Kirk making fun of his Kirk-ness, ribbing his later role as T.J. Hooker, all while congratulating himself on the towering edifice that is his life, work, and ability to laugh at himself. The video clips of Shatner's World available on its website display the master of the humblebrag in action.

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One of the helpful things about statistics such as book sales or film viewings is that you can neither prove nor disprove them. Has the novel of Battlefield Earth sold more than 6.5 million copies in 24 languages worldwide, as its website claims? Sure, why not? Has the Left Behind series sold 63 million copies, like its website says? Because every thrift store in existence has some, that could well be the case.

So when the official website of The Cross and the Switchblade calls it "one of the most-viewed films in the world," all I can say is, heck, I don't know what the rest of the world is watching. I hardly ever leave San Francisco.

It also means that, statistically, you've already seen this movie -- just like It's a Wonderful Life -- so let's take a trip down memory lane and enjoy the highlights!

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The neighborhood movie theater has a lot in common with the neighborhood bookstore. Both are being edged out of business by technology. Those that stay in business need a unique draw -- something people can't get on a smartphone or e-reader. San Francisco has seen its share of neighborhood theaters go dark over the years (the Alexandria, the York, the Mission, and the Crown), but the city retains a few that providing locals with programming and events such as the Oscar Parties we mentioned last week.

One such theater is the Balboa, which turns 86 this year and throws itself a birthday party Sunday. The theme is the Jazz Age, inspired by the film that won Best Picture and also current feature at the theater, The Artist.

We sat down shortly after the Balboa's Oscar party with co-owner Adam Bergeron to discuss the future of the theater and the industry. He and his wife Jaimi Holker recently took over the theater from Gary Meyer, who stepped down after 10 years to focus on his ongoing work with the Telluride Film Festival. When we arrived, Adam was out front chatting with a painter who was working to replace those old, weather-worn tiles on the front façade with a fresh coat of paint.

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Bret McKenzie is a Muppet of a man.

At some point during Sunday's Oscars, the announcer mentioned that Saturday Night Live comedians have been nominated for nine Academy Awards and have won a grand total of zero. That's right. Zero. When my wife heard that she was shocked. "Not even Bill Murray?" Nope, not even Bill Murray. It is truly a testament to his talent that my wife was so offended for him. I had no idea she thought about him one way or another. Don't get me wrong. Mr. Murray is a genius. He should be allowed to come pick up any Oscar any time he sees one to his liking. I, however, wasn't shocked that he didn't have one, because I know that The Academy doesn't respect comedians.

Members of the Motion Picture Academy like comedians. They enjoy having us around. And if you think they don't need us then just try to rewatch last years ceremony hosted by Anne Hathaway and ... I can't remember ... Was it Joaquin Phoenix? Comedy is the lifeblood of the Academy Awards. And without comedians the blood can run dry. (I felt so sorry for every documentary filmmaker who had to wait through Robert Downey Jr.'s low-jinks so they could see whether their whole life had changed or not.)

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