For those of you who didn't get the handbook, Rule 34 of the Internet states: "If you can imagine it, there is porn of it. No exceptions." Even if you keep Rule 34 in mind, H.P. Lovecraft is kind of an odd choice of author to jerk off to. It's surprising how many people out there really seem to want to get it on with one (or more) of Lovecraft's Great Old Ones, the ancient gods who lurk beneath the earth and sea, patiently awaiting the day when they will rule again.

Even in the relatively innocent days of the Internet (before it had pictures), one of the most infamous newsgroups on Usenet was alt.sex.cthulhu, much to the bewilderment of those who preferred their sexual partners not to have tentacles or require human sacrifice. Those who seek forbidden congress with creatures from beyond can even order dildos with the visage and form of dread Cthulhu himself.

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I feel so grounded and open.

We love yoga. We do it 5-6 times a week, and by far our most transformative, euphoric experiences (outside of the bedroom) have occurred on the mat. Through yoga, we've overcome our two greatest fears: falling on our heads and farting in public. But at some point in the last few years, this ancient Indian spiritual practice has morphed into something all-together ridiculous -- and we're not even talking about those videos involving Jennifer Aniston's "yoga" abs. Since the first step of moving on is admitting we have a problem, we are enlightening you on the six most vexing yoga fads we've come across, so that we might burnish them from our minds, studios, and bank accounts.

See also:

S.F. to Get Its First Face-Slapping Parlor

Ridiculous Weight-Loss Procedures From a Soviet Textbook (pics)

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They're watching you.

The uninitiated moviegoer might toss out a dig at silent films, and be heard speaking dismissively of black-and-white movies. It's a juvenile offense. But nobody jokes about The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Robert Weine's 1920 horror film and an early gem of German Expressionism. That influential movement sought to convey mood, emotion, and psychology through the lighting and sets, an approach that directors of film noir copied a couple decades later.

See also:

Mrs. Doubtfire (The Horror Film)

Siouxsie and the Banshees' Steven Severin Scores Horror Classic Vampyr

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yandy.com

We're not the type of person to harp on slutty Halloween costumes. We frankly don't give a damn about whether you think wearing a silver bikini makes you an "astronaut" because, let's be honest, Halloween is a holiday about getting laid, just like New Year's Eve, and National Feral Cat Day. If slutting up Big Bird helps you accomplish that, then, well, we can't say we applaud it, but we do understand. With that in mind, we present to you the most downright laughable "sexy" Halloween costumes this year. Because now we have uncomfortable images of Sesame Street characters in our head and we don't want to be the only ones.

See also:

Our slideshow on the sexiest (and most ridiculous) costumes

Dating advice from a zombie

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Anthony Burgess's brilliant, slang-infused 1962 novella of disturbed and disturbing youth, is one tough read. Stanley Kubrick's harrowing 1971 film is more, ahem, penetrable, but remains an unapologetically tough sit, even at this late date.

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Remember the time you and your friends sat down to watch the critically acclaimed movie Black Swan and you couldn't help but notice the shocking lack of blood-thirsty ducks? Yeah, we do too. But never fear, because the world's first ballet-horror-comedy, Duck Lake, is here. More »

We feel like we do a pretty good job of covering the adorable dog beat around these parts. But we've been woefully remiss in bringing you the hard hitting news on dogs that are, uh, less gifted in the genetics department.

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GJ Echternkamp

Lust, love, depression, delusions of grandeur -- this is the stuff of cringe-inducing adolescent memories. As we mature, many of us purge the journals, photos, and ornately customized LiveJournals that documented our teen years before they cause humiliation for our adult selves -- not to mention missed job opportunities or divorce. But no matter how much we try to rewrite our personal histories, those memories persist. So it's with rueful admiration that we salute the brave participants in Mortified, the performance series that compels storytellers with adamantium balls to exhume the most shameful episodes from their adolescent lives. (Think the Colosseum with more laughs and a bit less viscera.) The latest round of wholesome humiliation and fun happens Thursday at the DNA Lounge.

Bad kisses, secret desires, petty disputes, abrading blowjobs, and other such mortifying experiences fuel these laughter- and squirm-inducing tales. After a decade of communal shamings, some of which have appeared on This American Life and the Sundance Channel, Mortified is taking the experience to the silver screen with Mortified Nation, a film compiling some of the most notorious stories from the series. See one of our favorite San Francisco comedians, Mary Van Note, skewer herself at a past event in the video clip below.

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October calls for scares, and despite the very scary state of the world, there is still a desire for entertainment that frightens us. Here we look at the broad, deep legacy of horror comics in a series that delves into the genre's many variations and highlights from the 1940s to the present.

Jack Cole

The expansive visual format of comic books, along with the fact that they are published serially, encourages sprawling, epic stories with dozens of characters and webs of subplots. The possibility of epic storytelling in comics has served the horror genre particularly well. Several key horror epics have sold well, but, more importantly, stand as lasting contributions to the genre as a whole.

With the 1888 Jack the Ripper killings as its basis, Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell's From Hell (1991-96) firmly broke from mainstream horror such as Tales from the Crypt and The Tomb of Dracula by taking a serious, historical approach to its subject. Moore's text is tight, literate, and deeply couched in English social history. Campbell's impressionistic black-and-white art evokes the London fog, the shadowy halls of ritual and power, and the inherent creepiness of the British royal family.

From Hell ravenously chews up and reassembles facets of the Jack the Ripper story -- many true, some famous speculation, and others invented. Moore and Campbell make familiar material compelling by creating characters who feel real, as opposed to just being types. And From Hell is nothing if not a series of miniature, detailed biographies, all of which interlock in ways that will seem surprising, even to those familiar with the Ripper story.

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For original Halloween costume ideas this year, look to the far East -- Hong Kong especially, for inspiration. Movies over there are always replete with a cornucopia of ragtag characters drawn from Wuxia mythology and Chinese folklore, and they all wear fantastic outfits. It really is surprising that some of Martial Arts cinema's most iconic personalities have not become a part of standard Halloween wardrobe. To get you started on newfound movie-geek/Halloween-party respect, here are some characters to model after:

Bride with White Hair: In this ultraviolent, fantasy Romeo and Juliet-esque love story, Bridget Lin is a deadly assassin who in a fit of romantic rage morphs into a white-haired fiend with supernatural attacking prowess. Supplies needed: a wig with four-foot-long white hair, plenty of face powder, and an optional pyrotechnics team to make your entry as grand as possible.

Be sure to walk up to the boring Darth Vader impersonator and strangle him with your hair.

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