​A ridiculously shallow analytical report from your two favorite O'Brien-types. Ain't no shame, rock those crazy curls, girl.

We were recently asked, by a non-viewer, whether we thought Downton was more Masterpiece Theater or Revenge? After closely watching season two's seven (nine in the U.K.) episodes, we think Revenge -- but there's nothing wrong with that. Masterpiece Theater might be quality entertainment, but that doesn't always mean it's watchable. Revenge may be the fluffernutter sandwich of television, but guess who keeps wolfing it down? THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

When it debuted last year, Downton Abbey had it all: Simmering plots, withering glances, gorgeous sets, (mostly) stellar acting by a fantastic cast -- it was a classic British drama, quiet and slow with sudden explosions!, everyone micro-acting until it was time for Big Feelings. Plus, Maggie Smith reprising her Gosford Park role as the queen of all titled bitches -- what could be better? We ate it up with a spoon. It was delightful, and even though the episodes were approximately 70 million hours long, we still wanted more!

This season, though, things got a little strange. [We're going to discuss the plots of season 2, here, so consider this a catchall spoiler alert.]

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​Welcome back to Downton Abbey! Where it's Christmas, because this show takes place in the past. You guys, we made it through the wilderness, and it wasn't easy. The show is just getting more and more absurd, and they're bringing on Shirley MacLaine on as Lady Grantham's American momma, so that trend is definitely not going to stop. You're probably better off with these awesome Downton trading cards than this abysmal episode. And no, the last five minutes did NOT save it, no matter how much of a romantic you are. Anyone willing to suffer along with us, let's get 'er done.

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​Welcome back to Downton Abbey, where things have morphed into a straight-up soap opera. It's pretty dire. Since the war is over, they brought in the Spanish flu because a plot driven by character development is not enough for Downton Abbey -- there must be DRAMATIC HAPPENINGS. In this episode, which we like to call "One Depressing Wedding and a Weird Funeral," we're treated to two hours of crazy drama, which we have analyzed to the best of our ability.

Because this week's episode was twice as long as usual, this recap is lengthy, but we feel strongly that we must dissect each ridiculous story. To Downton!

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​Welcome back to Downton Abbey, where we are no longer at war! Well, kind of. World War One is over, but the shit is still on at Downton. The soapiness increased roughly a thousandfold, as we saw the return of the heir who drowned on the Titanic (Or did he? Or did we?), and the theft of Mr. Carson by Sir Richard Carlisle; meanwhile, Ethel's baby was so hungry he ate a stick, and Lord Grantham was so put out by having to spend one lunch alone that he flirted with a maid. Let's break it down.

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​Welcome back to Downton Abbey, a house now touched by tragedy. In this episode we lost one and a half men, were blown away by the Dowager Countess' formidableness, and met Ethel's obese baby. Did anyone do a cry count? These ladies and gentlemen did some serious weeping this week. Don't be sad, it's just your husband/reputation/use of your legs!

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​Welcome back to Downton Abbey! It's 1918 and the officers' convalescent home at Downton Abbey is popping off. Upstairs, the ladies have adjusted beautifully to their new roles (HBiC, "nurse," personal assistant, blanket-thrower, Mary), and downstairs the servants' intrigues never stop. That's why Downton Abbey is so big: It's full of secrets.

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​Welcome back to Downton Abbey. We hope we gave you enough time to read Friday's long-ass preview. The episode starts with a bang! Literally. It was crammed full of plot and we don't want to overwhelm you, so let's break it down character by character. It's 1916 and England is at war! What changes have come to Downton and its people? Will the title sequence still begin with that yellow lab's butt? Does the lighting still make everyone look like a million dollars? Let's find out!

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