The Bachelor Juan Pablo, Episode Ocho: Hometown Dates

Categories: TV


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ABC
El Bachelor Juan Pablo

WARNING: SEASON SPOILER ALERT

Well folks, we are nearing the end, and instead of a steady build up of excitement, it's like someone is slowly letting the air out of our balloon. It's no wonder that Reality Steve's prediction is that Juan Pablo ends up with no actual engagement to anyone. He's not really smitten with anyone and they, in turn, aren't really in love with him. How do I know? Gurl, I've been watching this show since it's inception! The look on Ryan and Trista's face when they were together on dates said it all: Damn, I'm falling for this person. (They are, as you know, still married, and seemingly happily so.) So yes, gentle reader, I get all of my Life Lessons in Love from watching The Bachelor, and my radar tells me that this flop of a season will further flounder on the shores of amour.

This week was the hometown dates, which is usually one of the best things about this show. We get to see the stern dads, and the asshole brothers, and most importantly, the socio-economic class from which the Bachelorette has sprung (yeah, I'm a nerd). Most all of the meetings went pretty well, with zero tension, though the aforementioned lack of passion and heart were indeed present. Watching Juan Pablo try to explain to various people why their daughter/sister was still there on the show with him was painful at times. He's not feeling it.

The best visit was of course to Claire's family, a gaggle of girls who no doubt harbor some deep resentments toward their gorgeous, plucky, spoiled baby sister. Next to her older sisters, who ranged from plain to homely (sorry, gotta be bitchy; this is a show about shallow appearances) Claire is like some perfect little doll. Even her ridiculous white teeth outshone those of her sister's, which had gaps and -- gasp -- didn't sparkle. Laura, her eldest sister, was the villainess, and she played the role with aplomb. She interjected herself into every conversation that Claire had with her mom and accused her of "manipulating" her mother. Yes, she Laura looked like a total bitch, but then again, we know Claire is entirely capable of such things because we've seen it on the show. She sat there with her wounded, shocked Hello Kitty face the whole time, a visage I'm sure her sisters have grown to completely despise. The whole thing was Shakespearian. Fantastic!

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ABC
Sayanara Renee, you were too good for him anyway

In the end he sends sweetie pie Renee home with tears in his eyes. Right on cue she takes care of his feelings and assures him that she has learned so much, yada yada, and he sits there silently and weeps like its all about him. In the limo, Renee doesn't totally break down like they usually do, probably because, deep down, she knows she actually just dodged a bullet.

Tonight is part two, and we get to find out why every remaining woman on the show is crying her eyes out after the Fantasy Suite. My guess is that Juan Pablo tells them he used to be a woman. We shall see.

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