The Bachelor: Juan Pablo, Episode Uno

Categories: TV

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Countdown to Juan Pablo

SPOILER ALERT! We repeat, SPOILER ALERT!

Ahora es la hora de Juan Pablo, and its going to be a doozy. I need to say right off the bat that I always watch The Bachelor after reading Reality Steve for spoilers, and that these "spoilers" will appear in my recaps. Steve was pretty much way off last season though, thanks to an ABC collaboration with the NSA to make sure he got jack info from anyone. There's no reason to think that this season will be any different. But I like to know who the Final Four are going to be going into it... it's more fun to watch the ridic limo-intros knowing who ends up making the cut. And truly, if you are the sort that thinks this show is up there with the likes of Breaking Bad, and to be told what will happen ahead of time will ruin your life, then you seriously need to rethink your antidepressant dosage.

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Parade
El Bachelor Juan Pablo

We've already had a Bride of Frankenstein moment when El Bachelor presented his First Impression Rose to the regal opera singer, Sharleen, and she recoiled with visible disgust... yet still accepted it.

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Oh hell no

Oh, how America wanted her to say, "Wow, I'm really flattered, but I've decided this whole thing just isn't for me. You are a fantastic man though and I'm sure you will find love here!" Juan Pablo of course took her strangeness for the anaphylactic shock of being too thrilled and excited to have been chosen. "Sharleen was so surprised that I was giving her the rose that she didn't know what to do," he said, "but I know she's gonna sleep well tonight." Right.

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Sharleen

Sharleen might just be the first "real" person that has ever been on the show; when she got out of the limo and introduced herself she was awkward and strange, just like you and I would be. At the time I felt sorry for her (aww, she must be so nervous!) but now of course we know that she was just channeling the regret and disappointment of Madame Butterfly. "I was really looking for more of a Jonathan Safran Foer," she seems to exude. She apparently bolts in a later episode.

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Lucy

This seasons "plant," as I like to call her -- not only because she seems like an actress hired to play a role, but also because everyone on this show seems vegetative and regenerates through photosynthesis and White Zinfandel -- is Lucy Aragon, the "free spirit" from Santa Barbara. She don't need no shoes, man. She's sadly nowhere near as dumbass as characters in the past like The Mask Guy (cue Bach fugue) or Vampira, but she is the franchise's first hippy-dippy gal, if you like your hippy dippy complete with Mac cosmetics and a bod she probably maintains through the South Beach Diet. The bachelors always hold on to the nutters for at least two episodes, so she should stick around.

The real question is, who is going to be the Uber Bitch? Valerie is made out to be that person, but according to Steve, its Nikki -- and she not only ends up in the Final Four, but she gets the Final Rose.

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Nikki

She's the pediatric nurse who is seen working with a toddler with Down Syndrome in the intros. Ah, the classic bait-and-switch when the angel becomes the bitch. If true, this will prove yet again how monumentally dumb the men are on this show, but will mean that we get to watch a lot of fun scenes where Juan Pablo is pulled side and warned about her by women who will do anything to get closer to him because they are barred from using their vaginas until Fantasy Sweet night. Then of course he will agonize over the feelings he's having in his pants for the Uber Bitch while we watch the frantic "SOS!" his brain is trying send him, showing him shadows of The Ghost of Christmas Future: A Very Special Bachelor Breakup Special.

Ah si, me gusta.

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