Ravenswood: Colma for Hotties, Episodes 1-3

Categories: TV

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"There's so much death, it's like the town's soaked in it," says Caleb.

"That's part of who we are," replies Remy.

So basically what we have here is Colma for pretty little lyin' people, a town where bare bulbs dangle in drippy basements and it's perpetually autumn. Everything is one-creepier than Rosewood. Eyebrows are arched, hairlines are widow-peaked, corners are shadowy... Yet kindly morgue technicians still offer you half of their tuna sandwich and homecoming queens parade down main street... right before they get splattered with red paint of course, ala Carrie.


Here's what we know: The town is cursed. Cursed, I tell you! And five kids are caught up in the bulk of the damnation, one of which, Miranda, has already died and came back as a ghost to try and help the other four escape her fate. She truly lived up to the old saw, "live fast, die young, and leave a pretty corpse," because as she lay dead in the hospital she looked like a debutante taking a light snooze before she hosted an afternoon tea and not someone who had just been in a violent car crash and submerged in a river. She of course freaks out Caleb when she returns from the great beyond, who for some insane reason has decided to stay in the creepy old funeral home for a few more days despite the fact that he thinks that the mortician tried to drown him in the bathtub. "Miranda," he says to her, in disbelief, "If you're dead, why are you still here?"

And why is your makeup looking so perfecto?

I'm hooked, I admit it, even though I think I see some pretty predictable plot devices coming up. First of all, there's no way the macabre funeral director/uncle dude is as mean and Satanic as he appears. Dollars-to-deadbolts he's one of the good guys after all. Ditto with the mother of the twins who the entire town thinks killed her husband. She's a total bitch, yes, but I'm sure we will find out that she's just misunderstood. Not that we care; that subplot is boring.

Finally, the fact that Caleb keeps talking to his Liars girlfriend, Hanna, on the telephone to try and connect the two shows is straight out of season one of Angel, when he talked to Buffy now and again but then promptly completely forgot about her.

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Don't worry, as these things go, by season two all of Rosewood will be a thing of the past as well. Besides, this will open Caleb up to making out with Ravenswood hotties, and he's so cute that I just can't wait. Just don't start with the sepulchral matriarch of the funeral home, mmmkay?

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