Project Runway All-Stars: Product Placement Reigns

Categories: TV

Clench those choppers, Samantha

There's always been something missing in the Project Runway All Stars shows; it's as if Coco Chanel looked at her outfit, removed one accessory, and then said, oh fuck it, and ripped away a few more. It's over-edited in that we can tell that behind the scenes, producers have been scrambling to find the right mix of cast, judges, and hosts.

Which brings us to the latest mistress of ceremonies, Alyssa Milano. She's apparently a fashion designer. Who knew? "I like what she's doing for her dress clothing line for the NFL," said contestant and central-casting Wizard of Oz character Daniel Esquevel, in what I figured was a bitchy joke about her apparent love of shoulder pads. Turns out she has built an entire career around outfits based on professional sports franchises like the Dodgers and even NASCAR. What does this mean? It means that by episode five our heroes are no doubt going to be asked to create a sporty outfit using only things they've found at Big O Tires; the winner will get their design recreated by Milano's brand, and please use the QVC accessory wall thoughtfully.

All Stars has been scrambling to find a hostess they like, apparently, since this is their third attempt and finding someone with the same je ne sais quoi as Heidi. Milano does indeed do a good job, though no amount of speech therapy will ever get to to lose her habit of speaking through clenched teeth. And speaking of strange facial expressions: Why does Season 10's Melissa Fleis perpetually appear as if she's about to be hit by a streetcar?

Ah yes, the cast. it's frankly a pretty tepid mix, though I'm gunning for Mychael, Korto, and Christopher. "I don't care about the money," swears Season 7 winner Seth Aaron when asked why he's participating. "I want the double-title." Nevermind that three scenes later he says, "I just reconstructed my business, I need the cash; there's a lot on the line for me." Seth, we can forgive you if you lose those Charles Nelson Reilly glasses.

Ari South, nee Andy, was of course The Biggest Loser, sadly, not only because he was voted off but also because mentor Zanna Roberts Rassi is still referring to her as a "he" on her E! blog about the show. "Lost in his own world," is her pithy one-sentence review. Shame on you, Zanna. But at least you aren't White Witch of Narnia Joanna Coles.

Predictions for finalists: Mychael, Seth Aaron, Jeffrey, Korto, and Christopher. Stay tuned.

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