New Girl Finale Coming Up! This is What We've Learned...

Categories: TV

We thoroughly enjoyed the hilarious first season of New Girl, but the second one -- which is coming to its finale on May 14 -- has been full of memorable quotes, designed to enrich the life of the average, insecure, paranoid head-case. So sit back, relax and enjoy while we share with you the philosophy of Jess, Schmidt, Nick, Winston and CeCe. Just praise the Lord that you are not this vastly unstable...



Schmidt: "The only thing they left was my summer suit with the lightening bolt on the back. I keep that in my summer bin, along with my summer condoms - citrus flavor, for a more refreshing summer experience."

Nick: "I am a man, Jessica! Pink robes are my catnip!"

Winston: "You look like the fortune teller from Big."
Cece: "You look like a character from The Love Guru."
Schmidt: "Oh! Thank you!"


Jess: "I'm PMSing! It hurts. I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching... If any of you cross me, I'm going to kick the testicles clean off your body. Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!"

Schmidt: "Winston, men can't get their periods. Where would they put the tampons?"

Jess: "I bombed on my interview. I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I'm never going to trust anything that comes out of it. So that rules out a family..."

Cece: "Babies wreck you, Jess. They literally eat your body."

Jess: "I want a family! I wanna give my nipples a purpose!"



Schmidt: "The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I'd have gone to Korea town."

Schmidt: "Take your football back to Europe! Who's the douche now, you douche B?"

Nick: "Is this bathwater?"
Schmidt: "It might as well be - it's rosé. Burn notice, France!"

Schmidt: "I can actually speak conversational Indian... If that conversation is 'Hello.' 'Hello.' 'Samosa?' 'Yes please, samosa.' 'More towel?' 'Do you know where the white person's toilet is?' After that, it gets very confusing..."


Schmidt: "Look. I'm a depraved freak and I wanna wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf."

Winston: "I had the best sex of my life last night. And she said I was pretty good. Hear that? Pre-tt-y good! And I didn't even use my hands. What? I just did a lot of side stuff. I'm the mojo man!"

Schmidt: "I am a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl!"

Sandy, lesbian gynecologist: "Schmidt, in my professional opinion, you have definitely earned the rank of - and I will use a phrase you coined - vagenius."

Schmidt: "Without sex, she's not your girlfriend. She's just a friend that you buy meals for."

Nick: "So, he's saying everything up until this point has been foreplay? That's ridiculous! What are you going to do for twenty minutes of foreplay? Bor-ing! Yawn! Am I right, ladies?"

Schmidt: "He's a player. Think about it. Why would a good looking person ever become a doctor?"


Schmidt: "I don't celebrate Christmas -- or, as I like to call it, white Anglo-Saxon winter privilege night."

Nick: "There are people in life that you want to be unpredictable. Like your pothead neighbor. Or Vice President Joe Biden."

Winston: "Nick, you're not a finisher... That's why you're only three episodes into Downton Abbey."

Jess: "Nick, you're gonna love my dad so much! He's so unhappy!"

Nick: "I don't trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy..."



Schmidt: "Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons. I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for twenty minutes."

Angie "I have tattoos of bands I don't even like anymore... By the way, you've been really cool about the Jamiroquai tattoo on my butt."

Schmidt: "You guys talk about my toe nails?"
Winston: "No ...I mean, I have never wondered if you could shimmy up a palm tree."

Jess, on Nick: "He looks like Hilary Swank mixed with a sad, wet dog."

Winston to Schmidt: "Remember: I'm the one that shaved your shoulders after you got that scoop neck sweater."

Enjoy the finale, everyone!

My Voice Nation Help

"If any of you cross me, I'm going to kick the testicles clean off your body. Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!"

Lets switch the gender and see how it plays, shall we.

"If any of you cross me I'm going to rip out your uterus, cut out your falopian tubes, and tear off your nipples with a pair of pliers, You'll look like Barbie up there"

Yeah that would get included in a sitcom script no prob.

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