This Is Why Everyone on Facebook Hates You

Categories: Humor

We all know how Facebook was conceived in a dorm room and came to life over apple martinis (or so says The Social Network), but it's definitely not as glamorous as the movie, especially when posting photos of scabs and fetuses. So while you're stalking exes and commenting to yourself on how fat people have gotten since high school, you're pissing off everyone on your Friends list. Here's why:

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borzywoj / Shutterstock
Why would you post this on Facebook?
You post too many pictures of your food, cat, and baby
We get it; your baby is cute, your cat is cute, and you're a master chef of anything coming in a box marked "Kraft." Unless it's a photo of your cat holding your baby while making you a steak for dinner, we've seen it before.

You write "RIP" for every public death
We all knew Michael Jackson died the exact second he was wheeled over to the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. Your post with "RIP" written across the top didn't break the news, and the same goes for your RIP posts on Whitney Houston, Dick Clark, Roger Ebert, Patricia Medina, and everyone else who is remotely famous. Mourning their loss? Fine, just stop inundating Facebook with the news of their death, because like we said, we already knew.

See also: This is Why Everyone Shopping at Trader Joe's Hates You
This Is Why Everyone on BART Hates You

You overshare about everything. We mean everything.
Things people on Facebook never need to know about you:
-You bowel movements (Or the bowel movements of anyone you know!)
-Your belief in any and all conspiracy theories (No, it was not an inside job.)
-Your diet (Bran and grapefruit juice? Good luck with that.)
-Any and all injury photos (No one likes to look at scabs.)
-When the umbilical cord falls off your baby (Ew.)
-Any ultrasound photos (You do realize that you shared a picture of a fetus with 300 people. Yes?)

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8 comments
cfantus
cfantus

Everybody wants to see pictures of my cat. Everybody.

Stu Smith
Stu Smith

Facebook is dead, but people are slow to notice

languid
languid

a great idea until it isn't. 

Amanda Walter
Amanda Walter

Hahaha! I absolutely cannot talk about the food pics, totally guilty of that. That said, I could have made this list a few items longer starting with "vaguebooking" ("sometimes life is just so hard it makes me want to cry" or "why do men suck so bad?!" If you want to bitch about something, bitch about it; don't make the rest of us pretend to care); baby bodily functions (and the look, smell and consistency thereof); life decision polls ("long or short hair, I need a change!" or "should I get a poodle or a rottweiler and what should I name him?" or "tattoo or no tattoo?"; if you can't decide these things for yourself then you shouldn't do any of them); and my all time favorite, the "I love my life!" or "#ilovemylife" (first sign you are miserable in life is when you tell Facebook how much you love it; stop trying to convince yourself, bc the rest of aren't convinced in the slightest).

biglovescott
biglovescott

If not for the above reasons... what good is FB?  Also -- I enjoy that I could sign up using FB to make a comment; which is now undoubtedly been posted to my wall.

nosecrets
nosecrets

Facebook is filled with secret confidences & guilty pleasures which we share with the world. 

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