It's Rainin' Pastel: Mr. Marina Gets Crowned

Categories: Review

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Alex Schmitt shows off his bronzed bod in the swimwear portion of the show
Last night we got the chance to channel our inner party bitch, the one who has a penchant for grape-flavored vodka and male strip clubs.

Ah, Mr. Marina, you did not disappoint. Amid the throngs of well-heeled spectators vying for the open bar, we basked in the manly glow of 10 fine specimens workin' the crowd harder than Tina Turner circa 1984.

The competition consisted of three rounds: a swimwear portion, a talent show section, and of course a Q&A round with each contestant. More importantly, it raised $91,000, all of which goes to cancer research.

The boys kicked it off with a sassy full-on group dance to Raining Men, complete with spinning umbrellas, neon tank tops, bow ties, as well as plentiful hip thrusting and floor humping.

The swim-wear portion whetted everyone's appetite; the guys donned everything from wetsuits and snorkels to banana-yellow swim trunks and orange slip-ons, ideal for nautical naughtiness. It should also be noted that every contestant was either suffering from prolonged adolescence or frequent trips to the spa, because there wasn't a chest hair in sight.

The event's MC Brianna Haag noted that each man could easily be Mr. Marina. For instance, Ish Simpson crooned in a deep baritone, "I'm the only one whose ever gotten to the bottom of bottomless mimosas."

Sadly for the other nine competitors, the crowd was chock-full of devout Ish fans, waving cutout Ish heads while chanting his name.

Ben Hartard also made quite a splash; he told the crowd every time he walks into a room there are fireworks ... as four glitter guns exploded from the balcony. He received a perfect score from the judges.

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Johnny Affourtit takes a well-deserved (shirtless and suspender-ed) bow following his "sexy sax man" talent
The talent section was pretty painful -- mostly because Ruby Skye's sound technicians were busy huffing gas instead of manning their mike management; it was nearly impossible to understand what the contestants were saying, singing or playing, which made me wince and weep a little inside. Strangely enough if you went into the bathroom, the acoustics were excellent.

From leather-clad karaoke ballads of "Pour Some Sugar on Me" to stand-up, dance medley mashups and a suspender-ed sax performance by Johnny Affourtit, the boys preened, pranced, and performed an eclectic collection of "talents."

Ish again wooed the crowd with a full-on rap music video starring himself makin' trouble (in a cardigan) Marina-style; his rap was largely inaudible but his swagger and polished performance eclipsed that -- at least the judges thought so.

Finally, the guys were asked to don their most dapper Mr. Marina-wear which included a spectacle of hot pink trousers, grey suits, suede loafers, and other yuppy accoutrements. Unfortunately, it also devolved into general ass-kissing of their brand sponsors like Chubbies and Bonobos.

Compared to that flash, the Q&A was a bit ho-hum'; the guys talked about their favorite marina brunch spots, and an ideal "Sunday Funday" in the 'hood.

Finally, at 10:30 p.m, Haag announced the winners:

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Ish Simpson triumphantly wields his Mr. Marina trophy
First runner-up was Ben Hartard (of the glitter-fun fame and Justin Timberlake ass shakin') Second runner up went to Johnny Affourtit with the sweet-grin and fuschia-fly trousers. And of course, the true glory went to Ish Simpson; his fandom roared their approval.

Job well done, guys, but don't quit your day jobs just yet.

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