Why Valentine's Day Sucks for Everyone
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Oh good. Valentine's Day -- aka the worst holiday ever invented -- is upon us. This day sucks for everyone, across the board, regardless of age or marital status. The awkwardness around VD begins in childhood and, after that, graduates into misery, guilt, shame and undue pressure. Let's take a look at why Valentine's Day sucks across the age and relationship spectrum.
Children
So, you're told at the age of six that you can
make Valentine's cards for your friends -- anyone you care about,
really. That it's just nice to be nice to everyone and that it's not a
romantic thing. Fuck that. Six year olds stumble across enough weird,
day-time soap opera kissing scenes and enough Kay jewelers commercials
to know something's up. Do you make a card for the boy you're friends
with in school? Or will everyone make fun of you and say you like him
(which is pretty much the most embarrassing thing in the world for all
children up to the age of, say, 18). Small children shouldn't have to
think about this stuff. It's not cute. Leave 'em out of it.
Teenagers, even at the best of times, can be -- how do we put this delicately? -- dickish. High school is the bitchiest institution on earth (except for maybe Congress). Having an extra day every year for the pretty, mean people to feel even more superior than usual is wholly unnecessary. But hey, those happy teen couples don't get off entirely easily either -- they have to buy a meaningful gift for their sweetheart on a crappy allowance. Rough for everyone.
Single People
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Everyone on earth knows exactly why it sucks to be single on Valentine's Day. It sucks because even if you spend the other 364 days of the year feeling perfectly happy in your unattached life; even if you positively revel in your singledom because you get to do whatever you want, whenever you want, without having to take anyone else into consideration; and even if you love the fact that you are free to have as much sex as you like with a series of inappropriate but remarkably fun lovers -- you can't help but feel a teeny bit inferior on Valentine's Day. Mostly because all of a sudden, family members and your coupled friends give you sad sympathy glances, which makes you second guess whether or not your life really is all that satisfying after all. Valentine's Day makes rational people irrational and happy people sad. It's downright evil.
Married People
Everyone on earth should get married on Valentine's Day to get the anniversary expenses out of the way on the same day you're expected to buy something fancy and shiny for your spouse. Because if you don't do something extravagant for Valentine's Day, commercials tell us our whole lives, you don't really love your partner. Then there's the other side of the coin, where, regardless of the gift, or fabulously romantic plans, you can't help but feel a little ripped off because you know your lover didn't do this because they wanted to -- they did this because they were pressured into it by media outlets and The Bachelor. Now everyone just feels dirty (and not in the good, sexy way).
Really, Really Old Folks
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