K-Town Season 2, Episode 4: Bachelor/ette Party Brawl
It's time for Young's bachelor party and it's up to the Best Mohawk to plan the festivities. Steve picks a club called Busby's which is nearly empty and Uncle Joe scoffs at his leadership. I'm surprised he didn't use this moment to plug his forthcoming business venture, Uncle Joe's Totally Totalitarian Event Planning and Catering. However, Mohawk Steve technically fulfilled both of his duties: 1) selecting a party venue and 2) feigning indignation. He sets his mohawk to its "Hyperbole" setting and freaks out when he sees that the gals have also shown up at Busby's for So Young's bachelorette party.
First, So Young looks super fine. She's only made cameos here and there thus far, but she appears tonight as a glam paragon of responsible partying and using one's "inside" voice, particularly when contrasted with every other female in this episode.
Scarlet tells Mohawk Steve that he's failed as a best man when she sees the low-key bachelor party. Steve wonders why Scarlet is constantly talking shit and ponders if she was "tied up when she was younger and some guy was talking shit to her." This is when I set my mohawk to "Confused." Are you saying she talks shit because it's her way of coping with being abducted as a child? I'm going to lead the entire K-Town cast in a one-day analogy and figurative language workshop. For free. Consider it my Dangerous Minds-esque contribution to society. Scarlet would get that reference since she loves Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise." Scarlet also says that Steve can suck her purple dick and that he is a dildo, the offspring of a dick and a tool. We'll throw in a genetics workshop too.
After a montage of "fun things to do at a club before you're overcome with dour reflections on life," we see Prince Jowe and Mohawk Steve try to pick up some peasants at the bar. Prince Jowe must have left his monocle back at the palace because he realizes that the women are not as attractive as he had initially thought. He sets Mohawk Steve on the supposedly less attractive gal -- whom he refers to as an "ultra, super, mega mandu to the max" -- while he chats with her friend. If you need a refresher, the cast refers to overweight women as "mandus," or dumplings. This particular woman is neither overweight nor unattractive, yet Mohawk Steve acts as if he can barely look at her unsightly image, calling her a "grenade" or "bomb." But you know what? She is likely gainfully employed and can spell "grenade," so she's already out of any K-Towner's league. Case in point: Prince Jowe thinks the lady he's hitting on should be granted a MacArthur genius award for knowing that the term "stag party" is synonymous with "bachelor party." He also thinks that they have given these gals the best night of their life by making incredibly stilted, unnatural conversation with them. In K-Town, that is the gift that keeps on giving.
Meanwhile, So Young's bachelorette party gets more spirited after Scarlet spots Douglas (aka "Colonel Sanders" from Season 1) sitting by himself in the club, pretends like she considers him to be a human being, and asks him if he would give So Young a lap dance. Jasmine clowns on him again by asking for fried chicken, yet he takes it all in stride (or ignores the degradation) and agrees to dance for So Young. He takes off his shoes, unbuttons his shirt, and somewhere along the way discards his dignity and sense of self-worth. So Young is a good sport despite Douglas's essentially dance-less lap dance. Young even laughs along and buys Douglas a shot, joking that if he touches his wife again, he'll get his neck broken. I don't believe that the threat of pain, death, or paralysis would elicit even the most blasé of reactions from passive, malleable Douglas. For all we know, all of his actions are controlled by marionette strings and one really dexterous monkey. But it's sweet of you to be protective of your lady, Young. Scarlet also decides to thank Douglas for his efforts by giving him his own lap dance, but immediately stops when she realizes he's aroused. Come on, Scarlet. Would you be less offended if it was purple?
After his disastrous wingman attempt, Steve spots a gal at the bar who is "not top tier" but alright looking. People who sport glass mohawks shouldn't throw stones. Or be assholes. Damn it, now I can't even get figurative language right. What is this show doing to me?
Anyway, Steve's new gal is clearly from the Douglas School of Submissiveness because she allows him to make her drink, dance, and close her eyes while drinking shots and while he kisses her. She is just a few regrettable decisions away from having to put the lotion in the basket or risk getting the hose again. Steve also espouses some golden nuggets of pick-up artist wisdom such as 1) talking down to women gets them in the mood 2) females always think primitively and 3) women want a man, not a little girl. Because otherwise they'd be lesbian pedophiles? I just can't, guys.
It turns out that, shockingly, Steve's charm doesn't work on everyone, particularly Uncle Joe's girlfriend Jessica. When Mohawk Steve takes Uncle Joe up to the bar for a drink, Jessica decides to step in and inform Steve that, among other things, he is bringing Uncle Joe down and that he is a "fucking loser." Jessica must be the ultimate multi-tasker, because she insults Steve while on her way over to Uncle Joe to badger him into calling out Violet for her "Tacky Asian Couple of the Week" blog post. She also passed by a stray cat and doused it in Patron because the homeless are failures as well.
As you can imagine, Mohawk Steve goes apoplectic, spitting out truncated statements about his continuous loyalty to his friends and his former success as a sales manager, a position that he left recently. Nothing kills a supposedly heated dance club confrontation quite like the phrase "sales manager." It even beats the time I yelled "I'm in Accounts Receivable, son!" during my last bar fight, which I did not win.
Steve asks what he ever did to Jessica to incur her wrath, and it's the first legitimate question of the night. Soon the K-Town crew gathers around Mohawk v. Jessica to observe and provide constructive input. Prince Jowe lets us know that he has a history with Jessica, which is evident when Jessica refocuses her rage on him, accusing him of talking shit about her. Inexplicably, she asks her enemy Violet to confirm if Prince Jowe has talked about her and Violet says no. Violet also admits that she is guilty of talking about her and apologizes for the blog post. Right after her apology, Violet reveals that Jessica and Jowe have hooked up in the past which doesn't make Uncle Joe feel like a warm, fuzzy comrade inside. He would have preferred that no one knew of the Jessica/Prince Jowe dalliance which, according to the Prince, lasted only a few weeks before he stopped returning her calls.
Prince Jowe announces that Uncle Joe is too good for Jessica and that it is she, not the Mohawk, who is bringing him down. Uncle Joe has been silent this whole time, even after Scarlet prods him to stick up for his own lady. Uncle Joe says he's happy with Jessica and that Prince Jowe was just bemoaning his own unhappiness the other day. Aw, sad Prince. Does bathing in jewels or walking on rose petals no longer bring happiness? We're all screwed then.
At this point, Jessica realizes that her take-down attempts have turned out to be a bust, so she "punches" Prince Jowe. It looks more like she pushes him with her fist which is just as awkward as it sounds. Do you have no upper body strength, Jessica? It's like she's the Korean Olive Oyl. Someone steady her, before she gets her entire body coiled around a microphone stand.
Jessica then starts pushing Violet, who mostly laughs and tries to avoid getting into a physical altercation. She tells Jessica she can act as belligerent as she wants, but she's not fighting. It's a mature move that is countered immediately by Violet pushing Jessica's face and an ensuing tussle that has Jessica on the floor and Violet literally kneeling on her head. I hate to say it, but could Violet have been right in tagging Jessica and Uncle Joe as "Tacky Asian Couple of the Week?" Or was it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Either way, Violet should already be hard at work on writing up Steve's "Asian Sales Manager of Last Year" post to mend his wounds from this disastrous night.
K-Town airs on Wednesdays on YouTube's LOUD channel.