Turn Your Computer into a Ouija Board

The original Ouija, 1871

I have 198 unread e-mails in my inbox. That's what it's like here at SF Weekly. The e-mails never give up -- they're like angry political ads -- each time you finish one, there are two more waiting. Now with so much work to do, which e-mail did I open first? The one that promised a virtual Ouija board, of course.

The link leads me to the Chuck Board and opens with some ghoulish laughter and promises of communicating with the other side. I'll admit, I was a little nervous. I've only used a real Ouija board once, but I've never been able to shake the memory. Wikipedia tells me that the whole Ouija board thing is based on a "psychophysiological phenomenon known as the ideomotor effect," but whatever. Watching that thing move by itself was creepy.

Anyway, the laughter stops and the Chuck Board quickly details the process and tells me to ask my question out loud. "Really?" I ask. Then I'm told to put my finger on the screen and my answer is spelled out:

MUM KNOWS

I go for round two and ask the Chuck Board the first question I know I'll ask God if I ever get the chance, "Why does everything I touch break?"

OUT4UNTH

Hmm. I'm starting to think I've got my finger in the wrong spot. For round three, I pick one of the suggested questions and am told to:

ASK ELVIS

This isn't quite as creepy as a real Ouija board, but I decide to give it one more go. I try to think of a yes or no question. Something I might have asked back in school, the last time I used a Ouija board. I've got it. "Does she still love me?"

MUM KNOWS

You're probably right there, Chuck.