Dear Champ: Advice from a Fictitious Pro Wrestler

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pic courtesy of WWE

In honor of the wrestling buzz that's been making the rounds in San Francisco's arts scene (and beyond), we present to you this very sincere advice column, told from the point of view of a professional wrestler, known simply as The Champ.

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Let me tell ya something, San Francisco, when it comes to life, I'm the undefeated, undisputed, reigning and defending champ! And when it comes to the bedroom -- I'm the King Champ. That's why I'm giving a different lady the royal treatment every night, brother! I've got 'em lined up around the block, just dying to find out what it's like to spend a night with a real man. Hell, when I come to town, the local radio station sends out a "flash flood warning" in advance, because when The Champ shows up, you know those panties are going to be foaming. But enough about me, I'm getting paid good money to help all you become more like The Champ, so let's get to the advice.

My BF once had sex with a prostitute. I'm freaked out! How do I get over this?

Listen, it's a good thing you had sex with your boyfriend. Don't be so freaked out about it. The only advice The Champ has on this situation is to maybe do it more often?

Also just in general, forget about who your partner has been with in the past. Personally, The Champ doesn't care how many guys a girl has been with -- as long as one of them is me.

Plus, I think the phrase "Time heals all wounds," is really important to remember because it is just so true. And sometimes, it doesn't even take that much time. You'd be surprised how many times I've broken my back only to jump out of that wheelchair a few short weeks later to whoop some ass!

What's the best non-porn movie to impress a date with?

There is only one movie out there that will impress the ladies, and that movie is MacGruber, brother! It's a goddamn American classic, featuring several of my close friends, and a masterfully created plot line. The Champ suggests no other movie for date night.

And you can trust me on this one because if there's one thing The Champ knows how to do -- it's seal the deal. Pop in MacGruber and try convincing your date NOT to blow your whistle.

I'm friends with my exes, but my current girlfriend doesn't like it. How can I make her less jealous and see there's nothing going on?

First, you're going to walk right up to them and say, "Listen, you're my main event, sista!" If that doesn't work, dump your partner and go back to one of your exes.

I'm new to BDSM. There's gotta be a better way to meet people than FetLife, right?

I've never challenged someone to a dog collar match over the Internet, so yes, there is a better way. Walk on out there into the center of the ring, and call them out. Mano a mano. Get out those chokers and chains, and get to it, brother!

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Colt Cabana

I'm gay and my partner won't come out to her parents. It's been two years. What can I do?

Ah, my partner Pat Patterson had the same problem a while back. Maybe it's time you start thinking about getting a new partner. Because tag teams are all about trust, chemistry, and commitment. If you can't trust your tag team partner to tell her parents about you, how can you trust her to be there when you reach for that crucial tag? Is she going to be there to break up that pin count? Or is she the type of partner who is going to shake your hand one minute, and give you a low-blow the next?

There are lots of people out there who would never "accidentally" hit you with a chair shot. Don't settle for someone who will.

My partner wants to have a threesome with a mutual friend. We've been together for a year and I'm not sure if I want to. Help?

Well, when you're sleeping with The Champ, it's always a threesome,because I'm twice the man anyone could ever dream of becoming. So seeing that all I've ever had is threesomes, and I clearly have a better sex life than you do, I would suggest you go for it.

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pic courtesy of WWE
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