Get Mortified Tonight at the DNA Lounge

Mortified book cover

Remember that time in middle school when you got a little frisky under the desk with the kid sitting next to you? Or when you peed in your pants during a school dance and had to run away and call your mom to come pick you up? We do. And every time we wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat we wish we could forget, but deep down we know these memories will be with us forever.

Tonight, August 10, come relive all the embarrassing moments that make up our collective adolescence at Mortified, a performance series and comic excavation of teen journals, poems, letters, lyrics, home movies, and schoolwork told by their original authors. Join professional performers and total amateurs alike as they share their sometimes shameful, sometimes sexy, but always entertaining stories. Let the wholesome humiliation begin.

But you know what, this event has got me so overly excited that I'm going to go ahead and prematurely give you my embarrassing middle school story right now:

One of my first sexual experiences was when a girl in my eighth grade science class reached under my desk and started grabbing my pee pee during class. I just kinda giggled, but didn't do anything to stop her. It became a regular thing. She would give me boners everyday under the desk and then kinda rub them through my super stylish plaid shorts. My friend who sat next to me began to notice and of course thought it was the funniest/coolest thing in the world.

I started hanging out with that girl during the summer ('cause, come on, she was awesome). We would walk around town taking turns grabbing each other's hands and then putting them on different body parts. She would wear mini skirts and I got to feel up her booty, which was a rather life-changing experience for me at the time. One time and I brought her back to my house when my parents weren't home. When she got in my room she laughed at me and said "How are you ever going to get any if you share a room with your little brother?" (I had bunk beds at the time) BURN. Pretty sure I bugged my mom for my own room every day after that comment.

Me in middle school

So we walked to our school and I starting looking for that little nook -- the one in between two buildings. Once I found it, we started feeling each other up really intensely (but not making out). Then she put her hands down my pants  -- but over my boxers -- which she had been doing for a little bit so I was chill with it. But then she tried to pull my pants down, and we were still in public, and no one had ever seen my wee wee before, so I held them up.

She pulled harder, and I held on harder. This escalated to the point where I was laying on my back on the ground and she had two hands on my shorts yanking as hard as she could to get them off. I remember trying to laugh it off but inside I was legitimately horrified that she would overpower me and run off with my shorts -- leaving me naked in public.

Thankfully, I ended up winning the battle and keeping my shorts on. Then I promptly ran away. Which, is a common theme among my experiences with girls.

I recently saw the grown-up version of this girl at the grocery store. And you know what I did? Do ya?

I ran away.

Mortified starts August 10 at 8 p.m. at DNA Lounge, 375 11th St. (at Harrison), S.F. Admission is $14-$21. If you miss tonight's, there's another show in Berkeley tomorrow at Shattuck Down Low.