The Spider-Man Films Rated by Whininess

Categories: Comics, Film, Humor

Dan Century

According to Spider-Man movies, the greatest triumph that Spider-Man ever achieves is finding it within himself to arachnid up every day. Has any other hero ever moped so much about being gifted with superstrength, -agility, and -love interests? This from a guy who can swing on his wrists' magic ejaculate (Spider-Man one through three), invent web-shooters using his super-brain (The Amazing Spider-Man), and design and tailor so adroitly that his sticky-finger powers somehow work through the gloves of his homemade luge suit (all Spider-Mans ever, including The Electric Company)?

Here's how the new Spider-Man compares in whininess to his predecessor.

Spider-Man (2002):
Whininess Level: elevated
"No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones who pay," Spider-Man moans just before spurning a proclamation of love from the woman he has pined for his entire life.
Spidey Would Prefer to Be: a professional wrestler
Worth Noting: Stan Lee and Bruce Campbell cameos would become a series hallmark, but after this, the producers forgot Macy Gray.

Spider-Man 2 (2004):
Whininess Level: peak human
Inexplicably clumsy, Spider-Man loses a fight with a broom closet in the opening reel. Later, he spurns another loved one -- this time, a handshake with his dead uncle in a car in heaven. Then, after not bothering to save a civilian being beaten by thugs, Peter woos the now-engaged love interest he rejected last time by announcing, "Punch me, I bleed."
Spidey Would Prefer to Be: a pizza boy
Worth Noting: Even when he deigns to be Spider-Man, his mask comes off with the frequency of Paz de la Huerta's top.

Spider-Man 3 (2007):
Whininess Level: could create new, superpowered villains upon exposure
Spidey Would Prefer to Be: in Swing Kids
Worth Noting: Nothing. This film does not exist.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Today):
Whininess Level: moderate
Other than one emo howl, the lithe new Spider-Man understands that with great power comes the chance to pull off badass skateboard tricks. At one point, he's so happy he skips.
Spidey Would Prefer to Be: Spidey! Good for him.
Worth Noting: For the first time, the construction workers in a Spider-Man movie do not appear to be borrowed from a dinner theater musical. Also, this series might be propagandistic advocacy for a Manhattan-wide ban on experiments with human test subjects.

Read our review of The Amazing Spider-Man

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Rusty Stardust
Rusty Stardust

Amazing SpiderMan was a pile of garbage. Parker doesn't 'invent web shooters cause he's a genius'; he steals the tech from OsCorp (even tho he goes to 'Science High School'- puke). Thereby negating the whole, pesky 'great responsibility' thing. Also, all the crane operators in NYC just happen to be in a perfect row and all line up so that some kid, they barely know, can swing on them?! And, we watched the SpiderMan trilogy on FX this weekend and we all agreed: The Internet is full of idiots (spoiler!). SpiderMan 3 is awesome. Was our favorite one. Tied up all the relationship dynamics the first 2 had built, Parker got to be a badass for a while (uh, hello, he just whips a Goblin ball straight @ Harry's face and laughs while it explodes; plus, be seduces Betty Brandt & Gwen Stacy and belittles the shit outta Eddie Brock). The whole dance scene that all the trolls on the net hate, is actually a hilariously awesome burn on the girl who just broke his heart (he goes into her work and schools her with some seriously slick song and dance; plus, he makes the hostess cum in her pants as he whispers for her, 'To find them some shade'). To top it all off there's a badass showdown between Venom, Sandman, Goblin Jr & Spiderman. If you enjoyed poofy haired skater Peter Poofter in Humazing SpiderTwilight you have no taste. Nuff said, True Believers.

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