Harry Knowles' New Web Series Is the Worst Thing Since Harry Knowles' Web-Site

Categories: Movies

harry knowles 2.png
"Cool" isn't what it used to be.
Studio-flattering man-child and Ain't It Cool News founder Harry Knowles' wretched new web series went online yesterday morning, but we're only getting around to writing about it now because it has taken that long to get our eyes to stop puking.

Unlike his website -- that baby-shit-brown eyesore where the exclamation points jut out like the rusty nails in an abandoned barn -- the web series is professionally produced by the usually tasteful folks at Nerdist.com. Still, much like the website, the five-minute premiere episode is wretched, a trip to the heart of geekdom that is intended to be whimsical but instead comes off as a braggy bleat from a needy fool.

Here are Harry's worst offenses.

Richie Rich-ism. After a laboriously impish intro, with fetishistic shots of a film projector and some ersatz Danny Elfman scoring, we meet Harry Knowles in what appears to be the manager's office of a Planet Hollywood. There, Harry deigns to show off one of his most prized possessions: a football-sized prop grenade from the original King Kong. "Harry, here, in my awesome basement with my awesome Kong bomb!" he announces, establishing the show's theme: Being Harry Knowles is awesome.

After a clip from Kong, Knowles pretends to turn serious and asks "Why is it important to have something like this?" Then, before you can sputter, "It isn't! Do you even know what 'important' means?" he's explaining that King Kong is his favorite movie and that "holding [the grenade] makes me feel connected to the film, owning part of the film," which we guess solves the problem movie-lovers have always had with one of the most perennially popular films ever produced: It just doesn't connect to people.

In case you haven't already concluded that he unhealthily conflates self-worth with personal access to film props, Knowles says, "It should be in a museum, but instead it's right here in my basement."

And then he tries to twinkle.

Have you seen Harry Knowles twinkle? His face says, "Aren't I a stinker for making sure that nobody but me can ever touch this piece of film history?"

harry knowles twinkles.png

If he had a sharper sense of how he comes across, this all might be charming.

"Look at this crazy-cool thing I'm lucky enough to have!" he could say. "Here's a prop from my favorite movie, and touching it inspires in me a bit of awe. This is quite literally what my dreams were made of! You can see it yourself at [INSERT MUSEUM HERE] some day, and I encourage you to do so. Also, I'm sorry I wrote that review comparing Blade II to performing cunnilingus."

(Actual quote: "Watching the audience begin to squirm, [Guillermo del Toro] takes the audiences' clit in his mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm.")

But, no, Harry Knowles can't be a gracious host. Instead, he welcomes us to his kingdom not to share it, but to revere him.

Shilling. After letting us know that we will never see his toys in real life, ever, Harry whips out a high-end Marvel Studios prop-auction catalog and coos over pricey tchotkes like Thor's hammer and Captain America's shield.

Actually, he doesn't whip out that catalog. No, it's coughed up to him from the studio through a tangle of pneumatic tubes in his basement. Seriously. Harry beams, takes what the publicists have sent him, and immediately starts telling us what we should buy -- which is exactly how he does movie journalism on his website, too. As he flips through the pages, and we cut to an Avengers poster signed "Happy Birthday, Harry," he muses "This is what really connects you to the films," which is another important lesson: Watching and enjoying a movie is not enough, ever.

He points to some kind of Captain America cheerleader costume and says it would be "totally worth it" to spend $300 dressing "your girlfriend" in it. "Imagine," he says, "you come back from The Avengers, and your girl's in this, waiting on you ..."

He trails off, allowing viewers to complete the Marvel-approved fantasy in our heads: She waits on us a while longer, feather-dusting our original maquettes from Kangaroo Jack, and then she's unpeeling her spandex, removing our masks, and slobbering all over us like Guillermo del Toro on that Blade audience's crotch.

AND WHAT IF SHE WANTED TO SEE THE AVENGERS, TOO?

Shilling, part two. Harry's basement's boiler yells "Fuck Michael Bay!" -- something that's always worth yelling. Harry patiently explains that whatever Micahel Bay is doing to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is no cause for alarm. This placates the boiler. We don't give a shit about Ninja Turtles, but we would be remiss if we didn't point out that in his 1999 review of The Phantom Menace Harry Knowles said of Jar Jar Binks "Mesa Luved Him!"

Hoarding. For the last two minutes, we see Harry reading the script for Prometheus. He jabbers on about the film's basic setup, pretends he can't remember the geek term "space jockey" until he eyeballs a Space Jockey action figure in his Planet Hollywood of wonders, and then assures us that what the filmmakers have said about the movie -- that it doesn't directly tie in to Alien -- is true. "They were telling the truth! That's so awesome!"

Then, with the full welling of emotion we usually only see in grown men at the end of a proposal or giving a best man's speech, Harry looks to the ground and says, "Man, I love this franchise [heavy, panted huff of breath]."

How can he feel such connection to it when he only owns an action figure?

Finally, Harry says, "But the coolest thing about Prometheus is ..." but then the show ends, and he can't tell us, so we're supposed to go to that website of his that looks like refried beans and those rusty nails, and you know what, Harry Knowles? We'll just wait and see the goddamn movie, you shameless lout.

IMPORTANT HILARIOUS UPDATE: Oh, it turns out that Harry Knowles seems to have mistaken a hoax Prometheus script for the real thing. On his site, he admits this, but he writes "My passion for the ideas that the script put forth, which may or may not echo things in the eventual film is rock solid." I guess you can't trust mystery packages shat out by your magic house! Also, if you're Harry Knowles, shouldn't authenticating cool shit be the one thing you're good at?

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Follow Alan Scherstuhl on Twitter at @studiesincrap, SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.


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12 comments
Invisible Man
Invisible Man

Love your post! I'm glad I'm not alone in my hatred of Harry Knowles

Crapendshere
Crapendshere

Either Harry is a really big piece of shitor there are some really jealous people who haven't done so well themselves.....only a guess from these replies.

Connie333
Connie333

"He points to some kind of Captain America cheerleader costume and says it would be "totally worth it" to spend $300 dressing "your girlfriend" in it. "Imagine," he says, "you come back from The Avengers, and your girl's in this, waiting on you ...""Fuck off Harry.  Real girls don't have to be "dressed up" by their boyfriends to get them off.  Role play is one thing, not actually knowing how women work is quite another.

Kevin Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan

And worst of all, it costs me money to see it and I was forced at gunpoint to watch it. Thank you for your enlightening review of a show on YouTube.

thunder_storm
thunder_storm

So someone who does not charge for their content should not be held accountable for their content or quality of? Actually, Harry does make money from it (as he stated on the site) and thus Harry should conform to some standard of quality. Actually, anyone who contributes something should have the slightest bit of respect for both themselves and their intended audience by aiming for quality and accuracy.

You're actually a bit of a hypocrite. You are negatively commenting on a negative comment about a show. You weren't forced to pay for or read this review and thus you shouldn't comment as you implied to the author in your mocking reply.

Casey Burchby
Casey Burchby

Harry Knowles is the most disturbing (and psychologically convincing) creation yet to emerge from Jim Henson's Creature Shop.

CreepyThinMan
CreepyThinMan

HARRY KNOWLES PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE BY CREEPYTHINMAN....

He’s like that kid you knew in grade school who was a spoiled little puke that LOVED wrestling and didn’t seem to have all his dogs barking. You could talk with him but there was something missing in his personality. A lack of depth. Harry Knowles is nothing but raw id which is described as such; “The id (concept originated by Sigmund Freud) comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The id acts according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or unpleasure aroused by increases in instinctual tension”. The “Pleasure Principle” is “a psychoanalytic concept, originated by Sigmund Freud. The pleasure principle states that people seek pleasure and avoid pain, i.e., people seek to satisfy biological and psychological needs.” This basically states that Harry has always been a psychologically damaged person in evidence of the fact that he has always been a morbidly obese fat bastard. This is probably as a result of his upbringing by parents who allowed their child to live in a fantasy dream world where he was able to indulge in movies and food in place of real goals that require actual effort such as academics and physical fitness. This is because he never developed a Reality Principle which is “is a psychoanalytic concept (also originated by Sigmund Freud) that compels one to defer instant gratification when necessary because of the obstacles of reality. It is the governing principle of the ego and stands in opposition to the pleasure principle of the id.” Furthermore, “The id rules early life, but as one matures, one begins to learn the need sometimes to endure pain and to defer gratification because of the exigencies and obstacles of reality. In Freud's words, ‘an ego thus educated has become reasonable; it no longer lets itself be governed by the pleasure principle, but obeys the reality principle, which also at bottom seeks to obtain pleasure, but pleasure which is assured through taking account of reality, even though it is pleasure postponed and diminished’". This analysis perfectly describes why Knowles hasn’t reviewed Inception while giving Stallone a blowjob over The Expendables, besides Harry’s obvious corruptibility which helps feed his id as it provides him with the instant gratification of pweasants, freebies and free screenings. Inception is a movie that forces you to work. It makes you think where as The Expendables is cinematic junk food and thus the reason why Harry gobbles it up like the greedy man-child he is while shunning the mental treadmill of Inception.” I would have thought that his recent near death experience would have , maybe, matured Knowles but it’s obvious that he has learned nothing, will learn nothing and is doomed to live out the rest of his (probably short) life indulging himself as he always has. Harry lacks the self-awareness to realize that, although he may have fed his immediate appetites, he has denied himself a truly satisfying life of pleasures that are all the more sweeter because they are hard earned. Some people might feel sorry for you because you're a fat-shit-ginger-fuck. But I don't and it's because you are a craven, self serving, morbidly obese piece of fucking shit simpleton and you have been your whole life. You're also a disgusting glutton who will suck anyone's cock as long as it comes with something you want. This is why you're a 500 pound fucking toxic waste dump of a human being with Twinkie filling where your soul should be. Is it to much to fucking ask that YOU DON'T LIE TO US because you're being paid off with pwesants, freebies and screenings by your buddies? I guess it's pointless to ask if you understand what the word "integrity" means when you’re physical appearance says everything anyone ever needs to know about you. You’re a steaming pile of shit disguised as a nauseating tub of lard.

Pwesents
Pwesents

Pwesents..... lol. That site used to be good but fuck it's sad now. Harry wants to be a hollywood goon and he whores for terrible movies now. And he calls himself headgeek like he's leading a revolution.

Sherilyn Connelly
Sherilyn Connelly

No girl could possibly want to see The Avengers, because girls don't like the same things that boys like, and they certainly don't like anything by Joss Whedon.  That's just basic math.

Sherilyn Connelly
Sherilyn Connelly

By the way, Alan, couldn't you have used the grenade or something as the "Top Blog Stories" icon?  Now we're going to have to look at Harry's face for the next few days!  That's not going to help our eyes stop puking...

keithplocek
keithplocek

Maybe he's really good at cunnilingus. 

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