The Glenn Beck Web-Site Lottery: How Many Beck Photos Can You Get on One Refresh?

Categories: Ick

Glenn Beck_1329341565219.png
​Morning zoo sweater dumpling Glenn Beck is best known for saying ridiculous things on TV for a couple years and then suddenly not doing so anymore, probably because of the backstage scheming of Beck's greatest enemy, Woodrow Wilson. He also did some Founding Fathers cosplay and once held a rally where he honored Martin Luther King by denouncing the principles that Martin Luther King believed in.

Anyway, he used to be everywhere in our media culture, and then, suddenly, his voice was silenced, except for three hours of talk radio a day, a series of dumb books, frequent appearances on The O'Reilly Factor, his two web-sites, and another rally, in Israel this time because the forces that run the universe understood that that could be the funniest thing ever.

Turned out that rally isn't as funny as Beck's homepage, which looks like Gadhafi's Condi Rice scrapbooks, only with Glenn Beck, instead, and lots of ads for gold. At any given moment, there are at least 17 stock photos of Beck on the front page of GlennBeck.com.

There's business-casual Glenn Beck being studied in an art gallery:

Glenn Beck_1329341702813.png

There's book-mark shaped, peeking-at-you-from-the-side-of-the-screen Glenn Beck:

Glenn Beck_1329341535256.png

There's sitting-on-the-toilet-in-front-of-a-bust-of-George-Washington Glenn Beck:

Glenn Beck_1329341715374.png

There's an apple-cheeked Glenn Beck starring in a one-man-show about Lee Harvey Oswald:

Glenn Beck_1329341692016.png

There's the photo from Glenn Beck's missing-person flier:

Glenn Beck_1329341668927.png

There's an alternate-timeline Glenn Beck waking up in a sad and messy living room and discovering that his media celebrity was actually just the fevered daydream of a troubled mind:

Glenn Beck_1329341614103.png

And, if you're lucky with your refreshing, you just might get my favorite: A stock photo of Glenn Beck introducing an ad featuring that same stock photo of Glenn Beck.

Glenn Beck_1329341772097.png

Please, Glenn Beck, blow all our minds and upload a photo of yourself looking at that photo!

What number and assortment of Becks you get is a crapshoot depending on which ads and stories come up with each refresh. Our copy editor claims to have once got 21 Becks on one page; my highest has been 20. (That was last week.) When counting Becks, we do not include the tiny, repeated images teasing the site's current stories on the Facebook widget, but we certainly count the other images that appear multiple times.

And it goes without saying that the stories on the site are mostly nonsense. Still, even Beck gets one right once in a while:

Glenn Beck_1329341678799.png

I bet it's Glenn Beck in that Vader costume.
--
Follow Alan Scherstuhl on Twitter at @studiesincrap, SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.



My Voice Nation Help
8 comments
Just10
Just10

-If you are ready for a real relationship that leads to marriage, maybe you'll like someone cool..Are you still single??? Marry rich and sexy mates ?---TallLoving.c/0/m-maybe you can check out the first land largest site in the world for d'ate rich.Good Luck ! you will love it !

BDL
BDL

I'm up to 18 Becks after one refresh! I wonder if this game is what me meant by "entertainment" in that goofy subtitle of his: "The fusion of entertainment and enlightenment."

Glasslass
Glasslass

Ask yourself one question - what if Glenn Beck is right?  What will you do then?

Me
Me

That's two questions.

Alan Scherstuhl
Alan Scherstuhl

I will perform a citizen's arrest on George Lucas. 

TreeA
TreeA

Oh, I wish to live in the alternate reality:  "... waking up in a sad and messy living room and discovering that his media celebrity was actually just the fevered daydream of a troubled mind"

David Martin
David Martin

Glenn Beck with a goatee is like seeing Michael Pollan take down a meat lover's supreme at an airport. 

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

San Francisco Event Tickets
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.
Loading...