5 Hilarious Images of Social Media From Free Jehovah's Witness Magazine

Categories: Studies in Crap

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​Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets handed to him at the train station.

Awake! magazine

Date: February, 2012
Publisher: Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania

Questions This Cover Raises: "What Should You Know About Social Networking?" and, in tiny type at the bottom, "How Should We Pray to God?" Ping Him!

A chipper little magazine that at first seems to be about what a joy it is not to be asleep, Awake! is the fun younger sister to the dour old maid that is The Watchtower, which claims to be the world's most widely read magazine thanks to the seven million or so Jehovah's Witnesses who go door to door gathering subscribers. The distribution system is like Grit's or Girl Scout Cookies or the fundraisers my high school ran to pay for proms, except instead of prizes or a DJ your reward for moving magazines is not going to hell.

They also give out Awake!, which I guess is meant to make the faith seem more cheerful than what The Watchtower does. Compare the current covers:

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A proselytizer handed me both the easygoing Awake! and the terrifying Watchtower at the same time. Bundling them together is something like giving out a collection of Marilyn Vos Savant columns with a copy of John Hersey's Hiroshima. 

I'm glad I took them, though, because I learned five new things from Awake!'s cover story on social networking:

1. Nothing's more delightful than Facebooking with gloves on:

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2. Even as studies reveal that Americans are incapable of safely operating motor vehicles while sending text messages, African women can SMS while balancing fruit on their heads.

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​Note that her network includes a med student, a young woman who is Googling "how to resist eating this muffin," and a musical theater costume designer's idea of a farmer.


3. Social networking takes two steps.
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Seriously, that's Awake!'s entire list.

​4. Privacy is a concern. Also, it feels really creepy to do social networking in a room where you've put up paranoid-eye wallpaper.

 
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5. While social networking, it is not uncommon for you to be visited by 1980s global-pop supergroup USA for Africa. ​

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So it turns out that this religion that so highly values in-person contact is a little iffy on why exactly people use social media. But it's easy to overlook the thinness of that cover story and get sucked right into these of-the-moment real-world concerns shared by the 25 million who purportedly get The Watchtower each month:

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Other Questions They Should Answer:
Will the World's End Reduce Your Number of Twitter Followers? 
What Should I Do if The God of Love Defriends Me?
Igloos: What Wireless Plan Works Best?

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79 comments
callmemaybe
callmemaybe

im not saying im a JW. 

but if you dont like these ppl that much, why talk about them at all? :S 

j3hall
j3hall

Anyone notice the only asshole in the comments here is an active JW ...... I can't imagine why most of us left . It was due to willfully ignorant twats like him.

Just want to thank you sfbridge for help remind me how selfricheous assholes JW are !

sfbridge
sfbridge

Starting with your article title, let US decide if your surly observations are "hilarious"!the most amusing, yet revealing commonality of surly critics of JW's, is that your group never has ANY religion. So outside of criticizing theirs, your own form of religion is almost always non-existent. Your kind are usuallly connected to JW's , by merely being Anti-JW's(which is actually not a religion[I looked it up on Wiki].Rather pathetic, that without JW's, your own existence is then Anti-WHAT? Just for the record JW's are the largest printer organization(thats your business dummy)on earth, and largest building materials Buyer on the planet(build their churches in 238 countries).I have a neighbor who is JW(lot less surly than your writing).Next time you go to a flea market, pick up a copy of Mad magazine, something you can understand because surly is written all through it.And no research is needed to write a piece of trash about people who are so far above you they will still knock on your surly door to make , or try, to become a better human being. But you have no religion in your Anti-JW blood, so likely tolerance is not taught at your church, which would likely prevent these rants you assemble and publish.Who's next Mormons ?

ptkandrews
ptkandrews

You give that surly anti-JW the whatfor for his surliness. Do you really like the word surly that much, or was it the Word-of-the-Day on the calender you keep next to your collection of cult propaganda....err...I mean Bible-based publications. I definitely hope I'm not being too surly. Surely not.

DonHorchKingofMen
DonHorchKingofMen

Im so glad that so many of us are aware of the "dubs"and their subversive practices. They are an evil cult and the amount of damage they do is unmeasurable.So when they come to your door,boot them out.Dont even listen! Tell them that we will not accept cults such as this.Their is enough hate and negativity in this world without having it set upon us by our religion.God for you all!!!!

kg
kg

As an ex JW I recall in 1974-77 Witnesses selling their homes, having their children drop out of high school, quitting their jobs because it was time for Armageddon and they needed to warn everyone and convert them over to the "Truth" (which I now refer to as the "False"). This has happened over and over again. By the very nature of the beliefs .. You will know false prophets because they prophecy things that do not happen..The bible states NO ONE KNOWS THE TIME OR THE PLACE BUT THE FATHER. HELLO is their anyone in there? JW's have been instructed that if they were to read their Bibles for 6 months and not the literature they would be lost..hmmm I'll take my cool-aid now.  I am not laughing at the JW's it is sad sad sad. My mom has 7 children and has turned her back on us all In the name of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society....Bravo!!!!!!!  Satan's Puppeteers! Unfortunately their minds have turned to mush from lack of exercise.  It truly is very sad.

sfbridge
sfbridge

@kg Likely though your own religion has helped spill a couple billion gallons of blood by killing in wartime your fellow same religionists.But you can't lay that at JW's doors. No war guilt for them.If the whole world practiced your religion or theirs, how many war dead would we have ? Think about that, while you figure out which religions have been the Puppet Masters, and who are the puppets ? 100 million war dead in the last 100 years. Not one by JW's. Wisdom is proved righteous by its works.(look that up, its in your Bible)

j3hall
j3hall

Oh let's just forget all the suicides the society causes due to their blatant lying and redicolus guilt trips they like to lay on everyone

Tomsheepandgoats
Tomsheepandgoats

I, too, was shocked when I saw that Watchtower Armageddon cover. But then I saw the Newsweek cover of March 28, 2011: "Tsunamis, Earthquakes, Nuclear Meltdowns, Revolutions, Economies on the Brink. What the #@%! is Next?" and it didn't seem so bad.  

Monty57
Monty57

Printing corporations and Magazine publishers know what sells. Magazines sell better when they do  a little fear mongering  on the cover. It's been going on for decades...its a tried and true method so they stick with it. It also motivates their members to save their own skin while donating their free labor to spread theses unreliably written predictions.

kg
kg

not to mention the free labor they get at the Watchtower Bilble and Tract Society....they work for free, even grow their own food.

Chuck Taze Rus
Chuck Taze Rus

Only difference is that Newsweek is talking about things happening in the world, not a chosen race destined to survive Armageddon while babies are murdered by God because they weren't Jehovah's Witnesses

This isn't the religion that was started by Charles Taze Russell by the way, his open minded writings (comparably speaking) would be considered apostasy today. And that beard! My goodness! Satan himself resides in the facial hair of men! God forbid or you can't do mics or become a MS (not to mention elder, CO, DO). Wow...that breakdown of positions is alot like...well I'll be damned...the Catholic church. 

sfbridge
sfbridge

@Chuck Taze Rus i recognize cry babies like you, who can't live up to Bible standards everyday in my workplace, where several JW's also work.Whatever their grooming grade you give them means little to others, because management always puts full trust in everyone of them. How does a guy your age, put so much stock in hair,little or abundant ? I value people in more " non-hair" sophisticated methods,such as what has their life course produced. You are a petty man, open your eyes, not just to JW's. I'll bet you were one of those guys in the 60's who wore a wig to look like a revolutionary !

Eliza Bell
Eliza Bell

What is interesting is JW's recently had two serve-us meetings discussing the dangers of social networking to coincide with their distribution of this magazine. The truth is the Watchtower organization is trying to induce guilt & fear in their followers to keep them off social networks. They present this as a way of protecting the followers from Satan when in reality it's in hopes to keep their flock ignorant as to what the religion is. They know former JW's are no longer mental slaves to their propaganda and want to keep their followers as far from us as possible. The Jehovah's Witnesses are not aware they are living an Orwellian existence, where they are to believe only what is presented to them by their handlers. Sadly this article and most of these posts will only turn up the paranoia in them as they see this as persecution.

sfbridge
sfbridge

@Eliza Bell you too are a bitter cry baby--you know it, we know it.

j3hall
j3hall

An your a self richeous asshole JW .

You must suck the cult koolaid right from the society's dick.

JAdolf
JAdolf

It's actually kind of sad....they can't see that their version of hell is armageddon and their version of heaven is paradise.....no real difference from mainstream religion, with the exception that if you speak up and say it doesn't make any sense you lose your entire network of friends. That's what happened to me when I left at 24 after growing up in it. My parents still talk to me fortunately, and I'm not officially DF'd or DA'd. I know many many people who are inactive OR were inactive, only to go back because the guilt and fear of dying at Armageddon was too much to bear. there is no reasoning with a jehovah's witness - they believe they are the truth and are right - terribly annoying to try to talk to people like that. The good news is, even if they are right (which they aren't), they also teach that the dead are conscious of nothing. So you have nothing to fear if their loving God kills you at Armageddon. Yay!!!

Janedoeanonimous
Janedoeanonimous

Couldn't agree more! So the salvation plan of the mainstream Christian is more scary, spend eternity in heaven or hell. The JW's salvation plan is a bit funny, the loving God will resurrect you just to kill you again if you're wicked; heaven's compound can only occupy 144,000 people; so if you're good enough you'll get to live on paradise earth and if not, just die twice and stop existing... nothing much to gain or lose, really...

Monty57
Monty57

These articles look harmless enough at first glance but the person at the door truly believes that if you don't listen to his/her message you have blown your chance at eternal life and God will destroy you and your children because you did not respond, for example, to the ridiculous picture of the Eskimo surfing the Internet in an igloo. These people are very childlike and accept whatever they are told in these magazines without verifying the sources of the information for themselves. If they disagree with any of it, they must keep it to themselves or risk the possibility of being shunned by their friends and family. They believe that the End of the world will come when their message has been preached throughout the world yet they still knock on doors one by one rather than making  an efficient world wide broadcast via Television or the Internet to get the work done quickly and save as many as possible. They will tell you the reason for this is because Jesus did it this way. However, Jesus didn't use magazines or drive from neighborhood in a car, the message was the main thing not how it was delivered. This is  a printing corporation first and foremost and these well meaning folks have been taken in by it and millions have found out to their heartache that they wasted their lives being involved with it. Many have lost their lives making serious medical decisions based on advice taken from these magazines and from it's writers.

Tswellspring
Tswellspring

I bet many JWs will be rather indignant at this article, claiming that it is "persecution" coming from Satan.  But before they get too offended, it would do them good to remember all of the harsh criticisms that their organization has directed at other religions.  The second Watchtower President, J.F. Rutherford was well known for his public diatribes against the Christian churches, which he affectionately referred to as a harlot.  Remember JWs: what goes around, comes around.  If you don't want people to be critical of your religion, it might do you good to practic the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".  Good advice from God's son, is it not? 

Heather Kimling
Heather Kimling

This is so funny!  Being a former Jehovah's Witness, I was raised with this crap. Thanks for the laugh!

sfbridge
sfbridge

@Heather Kimling you couldn't live up to the standard either. just another " Clueless Heather"- the worlds got a lot of them.

j3hall
j3hall

No she probably couldn't stand being associated with assholes like yourself . The Borg is full of smaller mind willfully ignorant idiots like you.

Nellson Birdwell
Nellson Birdwell

As one who is intimately familiar with the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses, just send me a request on facebook and I'd be thrilled to share my Watchtower knowledge with you, unless of course the society tells me to stop using facebook.  Then I will have to stop. 

Watch out for the mentally ill apostates on this board.  There's lots of them.  How do I know the apostates are mentally ill?  Because the Watchtower told me!  Anyone who stops believing the teachings of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society is mentally ill. (Watchtower 7/15/2011).  These must be avoided, because, like a highly contagious disease, their mental illness will spread. 

I leave you with an important parenting tip fro the Watchtower, Aug 15, 1963."Do not hold back discipline from the mere boy. In case you beat him with the rod, he will not die. With the rod you yourself should beat him, that you may deliver his very soul from Sheol itself." At times, then, a parent will need to speak to the child by the administration of pain. This pain, God's Word assures us, is not going to kill the child; but it will have beneficial effects, protective benefits for the child, protecting "his very soul from Sheol."

Jjmills
Jjmills

If you actually read the content in the Watchtower and Awake, you would realize how accurate they are

Suzanne
Suzanne

Actually, Jjmills, I read all the contect of the Watchtower and awake for 35 years.  I would notice when they changed something that had been taught before to the opposite position, and even change it back again more than once.  Buall I had to do was rt I filed it away in my "Jehovah will set it right in his own time" spot in my brain. It took the child abuse/perpetrator protection controvery to make me look again with fresh eyes.  When I quit the JWs, all I had to do was reread their stuff.

Suzanne
Suzanne

(pardon my typos... "all the content..." "Buall I had to do was..." should not be in there...)so repost:Actually, Jjmills, I read all the content of the Watchtower and awake for 35 years. I would notice when they changed something that had been taught before to the opposite position, and even change it back again more than once. I filed it away in my "Jehovah will set it right in his own time" spot in my brain. It took the child abuse/perpetrator protection controvery to make me look again with fresh eyes. When I quit the JWs, all I had to do was reread their stuff.     

Charislmt
Charislmt

I read every one of those mags for over 15 years. Everything they write is filtered through their own dogma. I am now attending University and, let me assure you, JW publications provide half-truths and questionable sources.

sfbridge
sfbridge

@Charislmt and Universities don't ? Study for at least 25 years there, cause you need it. You're brainwashed and don't know it !

Mike Phil
Mike Phil

Before you guys judge too harshly upon the literary and educational content of the wonderful Watchtower and its companion, the Awake! magazines, please be advised that reading these fine, authentic, crafted-directly-from-the-spirit-of-God-Hisself publications can be said to be equivalent to a broad (University) education:

And I quote: Watchtower 6/15/1983: "IT HAS been said that by reading the Watchtower and Awake! magazines, along with other publications of Jehovah’s Witnesses, a person will receive, over a period of years, a considerable and broad education. ... Would you like to grow in knowledge, obtaining an education of even much greater value than can be received in any college? You can do so by reading regularly this magazine and its companion, Awake! Not only will these journals help you to keep up with world events but they will also help you to see how these events fulfill the Bible prophecies regarding the time of the end of this entire system of things. Yes, regularly reading these publications not only will improve your knowledge of secular matters but will also provide you with knowledge that will put you in line to live forever in God’s righteous new system."

So there!  Zip it.  I be smarter cuz I readed all dat.

EJ
EJ

LOL!

Jessica Levy
Jessica Levy

That so many families are broken apart by this org, is a glaring hugedanger sign that this organization is a cult.

Why that isn’t obvious to those within-is another example, flashing lights again- that it is a cult.

That fact that people who no longerwant to subscribe to its bonkers beliefs are shunned by their entire supportnetwork is a disgustingly cruel practice, one that is insultingly presented as“a loving act”. and it is additionally cruel as this organisation has designed theirbrand of truth as being separate and no part of this world, therefore members are encouraged constantly-to have v limited association with the world’s inhabitants, and anything worldly..so when they are dis- fellowshippedthey are utterly cast adrift.

The main ingredients of this high controlgroup are fear and denial, denial of human liberty and the right to life andreal truths. And denial that they the Governing Body are manipulating wealthy charlatans.

If you love people, life, God thenthis organisations behaviour is in direct contradiction. If you are under the influence ofmind control then it all makes perfect terrible sense. And you’ll defend it tothe bitter end.

It’s a cult.

Brianna Karp
Brianna Karp

Fellow former JW here.  This is awesome.  I started cracking up the second I saw the igloo, even before reading the commentary.  And the juxtaposition between the Watchtower and Awake! covers is just too perfect.

langfooo
langfooo

You are right dude that is pretty hilarious Wow.Total-Privacy dot US

Bill Blyth
Bill Blyth

Don't forget you get the friendly public version of the Watchtower, not the 'members only' version that is full of "obey us or die" messages from the governing body.

Wondermum4
Wondermum4

What should I do if the god of love defriends me?......priceless!

Flying Gabriel
Flying Gabriel

The two magazines well illustrate the Jehovah's Witness' modus operandi . . .

They use guilt and fear to herd the unwary into their cult (Watchtower), and then guilt and fear to keep them ignorant (Awake)

Diana_n68
Diana_n68

This article is really clever...raised in the JW religion, I can see they're still up to their paranoia raising antics. When I was growing up, college was verboten. Now it would seem their problems are worse than ever. It wouldn't surprise me if they start banning members from computer use.

sfbridge
sfbridge

@Diana_n68 their problems are so big, they've grown to 8 million worldwide, while you were running out the backdoor.Maybe your leaving made them that much more attractive to others. huh ?

Velour
Velour

Thanks for the article. I was also a peddler for this terrible organization. I always felt like the articles were written by and for people with no friggin idea how the world outside of their compound, Bethel, works. Also, yes, this organization deserves absolutely NO respect. Any organization that breaks up families while claiming to have the highest degree of love possible deserves to be laughed at. Any organization that allows children to die because the parents refuse medical treatment deserves to be mocked and ridiculed. AND, any organization that has policies that create havens for child molesters deserve a whole lot more than disrespect.

sfbridge
sfbridge

@Velour their stand on blood has created Bloodless Hospitals around the world. Medicine has leaped forward in surgery techniques practicing bloodless medicine due to this religious group.Bloodless surgery today is High Tech medical management. You are in complete ignorance on this subject obviously.

hardy1
hardy1

@sfbridge Or, you know, killed thousands of children. But whatever floats your boat, child killer. 

Tony DuShane
Tony DuShane

Very funny.

I used to be one of those "distributors"....thanks for this piece.

thankfultobeout
thankfultobeout

I use to defend them when I was a child in school.  I took up for their beliefs and was ratical about how true they were.  I now am so ashamed of the way I talked and acted especially when I see classmate.  I cannot call them friends, for I was not allowed to have any friends that were not JW's.  I hate that I was a peddler of the magazine and I hate the evil way just saying Jehovah's Witness makes me feel.  A big regret in my life, but I am so happy to be out of it.

Snowball99
Snowball99

As a former JW, I find these articles hilarious. Facebooking in an igloo?! African women texting with fruit on their head?! Omg, how idiotic!

But it should be known that the JWs are no laughing matter. They break up families and friends with their shunning policies. They raise up their kids in their religious Organization and never let them change their mind without fear of ostracization

Kyria Abrahams
Kyria Abrahams

Awesome. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and I cannot stop laughing right now. I haven't seen a Watchtower in a long time, but I'm so happy to see that African women still wear fruit on their heads in this world. Now I have to leave the internet before demons get me.

Micah Puett
Micah Puett

 Oh, and any and all Ex-JW's out there who need to vent, please feel free to join our Facebook group.  Just search for "Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses Recovery Group" and click "join".  After we write to the Society, so that they can verify your records with your previous congregation, we'll let you join!

Sean
Sean

I searched but couldn't find your group. :(

Shateeter
Shateeter

I am also an Ex-Jw, and this just made my day! i also find it so funny how practicing jw‘s feel the need to defend - they aren't even ALLOWED to be on a site like this!! LOL

Micah Puett
Micah Puett

Ditto.  As an Ex-JW "apostate", this was one of the funnier articles about the WT I've read in a long, long time.  Despite what I was told as a JW child, I've found out that worldly people can be so very funny.. Yay!

Kyria, loved you book, BTW..!

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