Online Dating: Ladies, You Have the Right to Remain Silent

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A guy wrote to me on OkCupid recently. He was nice, but not really my style, so I didn't write back. He then wrote again, giving me shit for not responding to his first message. This solidified my decision to not talk to him anymore, but I wondered: If I'm not interested, why would I write back to tell him that? Is this something people do? I don't want to be rude or anything, but it seems like a waste of everyone's time to respond to everyone's messages out of politeness.

~Message Machine

Regardless of whether it's rude, it is very common. Messaging someone online isn't the same as asking someone out in person, most obviously because rejecting someone in person by staring at them blankly would probably convey "mildly autistic" or "audio visual artist," rather than "not interested." On the innertubes, it's perfectly acceptable to not reply at all, ever, to people you aren't interested in communicating with. Evading creepy or unwanted suitors is easier than ever in the digital realm. Go team!

While we're on the subject, dating isn't about politeness. Straight women take note. You don't owe an explanation to every Tom's Harry Dick who expresses an iota of interest in you online. This is especially true if the message is a f*ck me form letter or anything blatantly sexual. Think of it this way: When a guy yells at you from a moving vehicle, would you shout back, "Thank you, but I have other plans tonight"? No you would not. This isn't to say you should be an asshole, or respond to inquiries with, "In your dreams, quack paddle!" It is to say, stop worrying about being nice and start worrying about your own interests. Online dating is a woman's turf. If you don't want to reply, then don't. If you feel like the guy in question deserves a line or two of explanation, then send that. But you should never feel guilty or inconsiderate for not being interested. 

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Some people respond to most/all messages because they want to keep their little profile dot green, which means "replies frequently," which can influence your odds of receiving new messages. To me, it seems kind of condescending to get someone's hopes up, (Ooh, a new message from that person who also loves string cheese and Battlestar Galactica!) only to find out he or she has written the equivalent of a pity clap. "You seem terrific. I would love it if you never messaged me again."

But I apparently have a narrow view of OkCupid's potential. A friend of mine put it in another light. "Some people treat OkCupid more like a social network and less like a dating site, which it kind of is. I replied to several e-mails knowing I wouldn't date the guys. Some of them turned out to be the kind of friends that helped me move!" Another friend noted that she used the site to network professionally, which blew my mind. I mean, sure, I've had guys offer me jobs on there, but only the kind that started with blow.

Online dating is labor-intensive enough without adding any more unnecessary pretenses. Consider the occasional nonreply as your reward for having to deflect every waxed-chest guy at the bar who asks if you have your "one-eyed snake permit."

P.S. More?

Social-media mistress Anna Pulley likes to give advice about how to play well with others on the internets. If you have a question about etiquette involving technology, shoot her a question at AskAnnaSF@gmail.com. 

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26 comments
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Find Sexy Women Online
Find Sexy Women Online

interesting read, I met my wife online, so I promote it to single men and women.

Mature Dating
Mature Dating

A person can consider about initiating a mature dating relationship for a number of different purposes. He can opt for a serious or romantic relationship to complement his social lifestyle.

Mike Hawk
Mike Hawk

OKCupid is actually pretty decent for meeting women. Plenty of Fish is good too and even Craigslist but you have to place an ad in the relationship section even if you are just looking for a hook up. As far as women blowing you off, don't sweat it. Just send out more messages and after a while you'll see what works and what doesn't. Gotta change it up a bit sometimes. Goof tips here meetrealwomenonline.blogspot.c...

Block Websites
Block Websites

 Nice posting, thanks for advice for all peoples to avoid these types of fake online dating.......

Guest
Guest

Okstupid is just that...stupid.

John
John

The best places to meet the best men and women for finding love are in summer outdoors at a Nascar track race, a Baseball game, an outdoor Blues and Jazz concert or an outdoor Bluegrass fest in the country. this works and people who love music are the best folks to start a relationship with. music lovers are more happy and positive in life. this is the key... outdoors summer and music! and love will find you. I met my wife at a 3 DAY Blugrass  and Fiddlers fest in North Carolina in 1978. we are still together.

John
John

It works because people who love or play music are more smart, intelligent,classy,sophisticated, happy positive thinkers than most others out there.

Susie
Susie

 And music lovers are more cultured. thats a hard thing to find in today cookie cutter world.

WAVY GRAVY
WAVY GRAVY

 Hippie love does work. I have been with my lady Jahanara since 1965.  check it out at www.wavygravy.net. some of us old hippies are still around we just live on farms and in country homes in the woods of northern california now. PEACE AND LOVE YOUR PAL WAVY GRAVY LAYTONVILLE AND BERKLEY CALIFORNIA.

Guest
Guest

Not sure what all of this has to do with old hippie free love, but I guess this IS SF. 

When I did online dating, I started by politely declining every message I got from someone who didn't interest me. Big mistake. I then spent all of my time responding to the guys who wanted to know why I wasn't interested. As far as I'm concerned, I don't owe a stranger on the internet any explanation.  Going forward, I ignored most messages, and just responded to those that were decently written and looked like they'd paid attention to my profile. It wasn't very many. I mostly just contacted guys who seemed interesting to me, which wasn't very many either.

I just married the man I met online dating 3 years ago so being a frigid bitch worked for me. :-)

Family Counseler
Family Counseler

 Being Frigid is usually caused by childhood trauma such as child molestation or by Catholic guilt. as for the Bitch part thats an insecure female mind problem for sure. you need to seek help for both of those psychologist problems as soon as possible before your marriage deteriorates falls apart and ends up in divorce.

Mr Natural
Mr Natural

 I think the old hippie was giving you some old advice that works.

Jim
Jim

 3 years is a joke!  In the hippie story's they been together for over 35+ years and their story's were better lil girl. yours is lame boring and typical. 3 years is no big deal try 35+ years of being with the same person and kids then you might have a real success story. you should be divoreced in under 10 to 15 years due to cheating or domistic violence. watch and see. your living in a fantasy dream world.

Syndicato Nuevo Mexico
Syndicato Nuevo Mexico

 You sound like your a typical spoiled pompous cunt diva full of yourself female like most are. your old man or husband got ripped off when he married you. he just doesnt know it yet.

DR PHIL
DR PHIL

 FRIGID BITCH? thats something to be proud of. Thats what you get for on line dating and not doing things the natural way. online dating is for bottom feeders and degenerate losers who dont have the balls to just walk up to another human and say howdy how are you today? try the natural approach and things will work out better. geez what did people do before computer inrenet dating websites were born? we did it just like I just said. try being a friendly human being to who ever your intrested in. quit being a society of nerd dorks and geeks afraid of your ownselves and your own shadows. marriage is a sham anyway. 62% of couples in america just live together now and the leftovers are married. marriage is just a govt con job to get you money and its made for  divorce lawyers to get rich on. no where in the bible is marriage ever mentioned its all made up by insecure guilty feeling humans. is being a friged bitch working for your man? your hubby? this is what I want to know. in the long run of life men dont like a friged bitch! thats where the cheating starts!

Malama Pono
Malama Pono

I met my wife at a Grateful Dead concert after smoking a Doobie with her and getting stoned and slugging off a cheap gallon bottle of wine with her in Ventura California in 1978 and we been together ever since. the simple way is the best way to find love. and a lil prayer and faith never hurts either. ALOHA AND. MALAMA PONO FROM THE NORTH SHORE OF OHAU HAWAII.

HELLS ANGELS FRISCO
HELLS ANGELS FRISCO

 Hippie love will outlast city slicker office worker yuppie love any day. hippie love is real , yuppie love is plastic and fake thats why hippie love is best and it actually lasts. biker love works to. ask any local Hells Angels Frisco member. most have had the same women in their lives for many years. and we meet them on bike runs around a campfire at night. no computer needed.

Kate Houston/trysweettalk
Kate Houston/trysweettalk

I know that people use okCupid as social media vs dating. However, with respect to men contacting you in hopes of a date -  I do agree if that, if it's form letter or rude, then don't dignify it. However, I write online dating profiles for a living and I can tell you that it can be really tough on the self-esteem. If a man makes an effort to write to you and you're not interested, just say "Thanks, you seem like a good guy, but I don't see us as the kind of match I'm looking for". Often, men will write back with a genuine thank you. Some - though very few - will be jerks and that's what the block button is for. 

Sexist Females
Sexist Females

 Plenty of female jerks out there to so quit being so sexist towards men.

Sid
Sid

 Do not do it this way. this lady's advice will lead you nowhere except into a long miserable life of loneliness. she is a snob!

Billy
Billy

 The lady types you speak of are snobs and they dont give a guy a chance. they cut it off before anything happens. dont give up on men so easy ladies. thats why so many of you are alone in life.

Old Hippie Love
Old Hippie Love

 Have sex with the man first and get it out of the way cause if you dont he will get sexually frustrated and bored quick and split and move on to a lady that will have easy sex with him. men are like that. and if you have sex with him and the sex was good with him  then  thats a good start cause its imporatant to have a good sex life with your pardner. then get to know each other personally better over time. thats how me and my good lady of 38 years started out in the early 1970s hippie days and it works.we are still very much in love and happy free spirits together with 3 grown kids who are now  gone and live elsewhere. sex first the fall in love.  try it backwads from what society  teaches you to do. its time tested  and it works better this way. hippies always had loving pardners in their lives back in the day and it was always done like this and it works. this new square straigh yuppie way is why so many of you out there in yuppie office land are lonley and alone in life and time and life is slipping away fast. so lighten up and live a little because life goes by faster than a summer vacation. and sooner or later your life is gone and over. live life to the fullest everyday!

Malama Pono
Malama Pono

 I agree with this old hippie love idea. I met my wife of back in 1969 at the Altamont Rock concert next to a camp fire we smoked a doobie with others and got stoned  together and slugged cheap wine from a gallon bottle like we did back then. we hung out all that day and then we slept together that night and balled each other like crazy. after that concert we thumbed together back to santa rosa-sonoma county where I lived and she moved in with me. we have been together ever since.we never been married but it still worked out just fine. I am  64 years old and she is 61. the simple way is the best way to find long lasting true love in life. dont try so hard and love will find you when its ready to find you. keep an open heart and praying never hurts either. having faith can take you far in life and make your dreams come true.my story of finding love is just like those 2 hippies on the front of the 1969 woodstock album with the blanket around them both keeping them warm. they are  old friends of me and my wife and they met at woodsock and they live in upstate new york and are  still together just like we are.  ALOHA AND MALAMA PONO FROM THE NORTH SHORE OF OHAU HAWAII.

Seeking Aging Whores
Seeking Aging Whores

Im seeking a 40 to 50 year old mature whore who loves to fuck long and hard all night long. where are you darlin? leave message here. they just dont make natural horny sluts like they used to back in the 60s and 70s hippie chick/ biker broad days. old school hippie chicks and biker broads are the best free spirit sexually lovers if you can find any left out there anymore.

SQ INMATE
SQ INMATE

He cons could use a few broads like that over here at SQ San Quentin Joint.

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