Mermaid Romance Novels Are About as Hilarious as You Might Expect

Categories: Studies in Crap

studies_in_crap_mermaid_romance_longing_1.jpg
Future Lost: A Mermaid's Longing

Author: Myra Nour
Date: 2005
Publisher: Ellora's Cave
The Mermaid on the Cover Seems to Be Saying: "I want to be where the people are . . . making it rain for the dancer."

Representative Quote:

She rose up, faced him and asked in a husky whisper, "Have you ever had your cock sucked underwater?"

For 20 pages or so, I thought Future Lost: A Mermaid's Longing must be the real flippers-and-blowholes romance Mermaid failed to be.

There's the word mermaid, right in the title. There's the heroine named Marielle, which, hilariously, is just "Ariel" with an M in front of it. Marielle indulges in underwater adventures, dreams of love, consorts with a talking dolphin sidekick, and is - of course - something of an outcast among her mer-kin:

"Marielle's true problem was that she had an adventurous heart, which she'd not found a match for in any of the villagers. Her brother was the exception."
(The incest vibe there seems to be an accident.)

But then Marielle has out-of-nowhere underwater sex with Cay, a mer-man from her village, and author Myra Nour keeps mentioning legs as well as other parts Malt Misney left out:

"Tension built around her pussy and little tingles of electricity lanced from her channel."
With mounting disappointment, I looked again at the cover, and I saw: Right there, on the right edge, the artist has clearly painted -- what's that word? -- feet!

Then, just a couple pages later, I discovered that I wasn't the only one wishing Marielle's webbed feet and hands were more old-school. In a deeply strange book's most deeply strange scene, Marielle digs through the treasures she hoards from another world. Instead of whozits and whatzits aplenty, she has a book:

The Little Mermaid it proclaimed. She turned the pages carefully. The bright red locks of the heroine and her namesake drew her eyes ... Her finger lingered on Ariel's magnificent tail, as if by doing so, she could absorb its sensuous, scaly beauty through her fingertips.
Marielle even takes a moment to consider why she lacks a Mebastian:
She chuckled over the crabby crustacean. She'd tried to make friends herself with different crustaceans, but their name fit their character, they were irritable creatures.
My guess is that this is the only book in history to have the sentence "She chuckled over the crabby crustacean" and the sentence "His cock felt like a vacuum cleaner had attached itself to him."

(That's from the underwater oral-sex scene alluded to above. Marielle breathes air, and needs to surface every ten minutes or so, but she's blessed with an extra flap in her throat that allows her to -- oh, never mind.)

studies_in_crap_mermaid_romance_longing_back.jpg
​Anyway, the story is something about Marielle meeting a muman human, who -- because this is the future-- lives underground to avoid mutants. Then some mutants attack, and the man, Matt, kills lots of them with a flamethrower.

Matt turns up about sixty pages in. Before that, Marielle hooks up with that Cay and then, in detailed scenes twenty pages apart, twice masturbates. Her first sex scene with Matt spans two chapters.

All that sex seeps into the regular prose. In fact, it can be tough to tell the regular scenes from the sexy ones. To wrap up the first-ever Studies in Crap Survey of Mermaid Romance Novels, here's a fun-time quiz I'm calling "Regular Sentence or Hot Mermaid Sex Sentence?" Good luck!

1. It was thick, too, larger than her wrist. Its color was darker than the men of her homeland, a dark pink with a purplish mushroom head.
2. Matt obliged, sucking more fiercely.
3. A V-shape split the cliff's purity, as if a giant had struck a hard blow, parting the monstrous rocks. The rift was wide and provided an intriguing view of the interior.
4. "Thanks. Fresh fish is a nice change from dried meat."
5. As he pushed gently into her channel, Marielle knew Matt was right.
6. He'd been trying to get his stomach used to other meat gradually by taking small bites.
7. Her inner folds felt scalding. This wonderful human lover was killing her with his expert lovemaking.
8. Marielle examined the tunnel opening, and was startled to see several silvery objects.
9. Wet, pink flesh filled his vision, and the musky scent made him so horny, he wanted to ram into that yielding flesh immediately.
10. After that, teams of six soldiers were always kept on guard at the cement-filled hole, in case the mutants tried to gain entrance again.

--
If you made it this far, you might enjoy "Plust & Thrunge," the official Studies in Crap romance novel game.

Hey, you could do worse than following @studiesincrap or @ExhibitionistSF on the Twitter thing.

The mighty Studies in Crap e-mail list alerts you whenever a new SiC post hits. Sign up at studiesincrap@sfweekly.com

My Voice Nation Help
9 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
Connie333
Connie333

Oh and you already had me with the "Unicorn" romance novel...This is beautiful.  "Marielle examined the tunnel opening, and was startled to see several silvery objects"And now allI I can think of is the candiru fish who obviously got there first.

Soneeta Mirza
Soneeta Mirza

You have created an exceptional website, very much enjoying browsing the articles and also believe the site’s structure is intuitive! Keep up the good work! Best Rgds. Valarie Koles in Antalyahttp://www.ball2011.com

Alma
Alma

Marielle? hahhaha

Alan Scherstuhl
Alan Scherstuhl

Quiz Answers: 3,4,6,8, and 10 are not from sex scenes. It's better down where it's wetter, everybody!!

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

San Francisco Event Tickets
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.
Loading...