Screech, Michael Jordan, and Macaulay Culkin in the Comic No Kid Could Want
Publisher: Harvey Comics
Discovered at: Thrift Town, El Sobrante
Questions This Cover Raises: "Is that Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, and a Macaulay Culkin-wielding Bo Jackson?" (The answer: yes.)
A charmless freebie created by Harvey Comics, distributed at Toys R Us, and designed to sucker kids into suffering through the five hours of eye-hurt that constituted NBC's 1991 Saturday morning lineup, NBCcomics almost certainly failed in its primary mission.
But, if I may indulge in some paranoia, it looks to have been all too effective when it came to the stealth objective that is the only rational explanation for its cover-to-cover shittiness: teaching kids never to seek entertainment in printed material.
How else to explain this?
Here he gets hopped up on pills and believes he can fly.
Yo, Yogi!, a real thing, tested America's tolerance for corner cutting, cabbage patching, and indifferent record scratching.
Then there's this:
That's Pro-Stars star Bo Jackson, on a mission to save the Amazon rain forest, escaping from a cage with an English-speaking boy named Paco, barehanding a bat that is apparently made of hot lasers, and then dashing off to chat up Michael Jordan, who for some reason seems to have chosen this moment to -- oh, Lord -- look where his hands are! "Busy makin' a new friend," eh?
(Not pictured: Wayne Gretzky, who we can dream was busy prepping a Power Point for the other two Pro-Stars about how it's a good idea to stick to just one sport.)
Anyway, like all 90s cartoon characters, the Prostars love the rain forest. in fact, they love it so much that they refuse to waste any wood at all, ever, even if that means tripling up on a single surfboard presumably made of lasers.
NEXT: Bayside ugliness!