12 Filthy/Stupid British Postcards That Might Put You Off Sausage for Life

Categories: Studies in Crap

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Twelve Filthy/Stupid British Postcards

Discovered at: S.F. Antique & Design Mall, 701 Bayshore

England is pretty much the tutorial and demo level for the great game that is America. (Puerto Rico is a downloadable exclusive, and Guam comes free from Game Stop.) Still, for some reason Americans ascribe to the British an intelligence and sophistication far beyond what we have possess in the states.

Perhaps it's because England has royalty and books. Perhaps it's because they say "brilliant!" instead of "awesome." Maybe it's because they sent their ne'er-do-wells to Australia, which gave them a century or so of tasteful living until those ne'er-do-wells founded News Corp.

Anyway, the dregs of British culture are like the dregs of British beer, by which I mean more robust and barfable than America's. Here's a fine sampling: This handful of amusingly terrible sex-joke postcards I turned up in San Francisco.

The British love puns.


The joke, I think, is that the woman mistakes the soldiers' weird cameltoes for erections.

That bulgeless card above is more demure than most in the stack:


In England, butchers fantasize about having their bangers weighed, sliced off, and eaten with mash.

This one makes even less sense:


The shopkeeper herself mistakes his red-tipped, unwrapped phallus-like swelling as a "liver sausage." This is a joke about the awfulness of British food.

In fact, that food is so bad that the nice lady in the next cartoon is excited at the mere opportunity to be near some meaty chicken.


To understand this next one, you need to know three things.


First, "cock" is a word that now refers to both roosters and the male sexual organ. Second, "cocksure" is a slightly archaic adjective that describes someone in possession of a brash confidence. Third, no British person has ever had sex before the wedding night.

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Ashamed Brit
Ashamed Brit

The one you don't get is about carpet beating, which was how you got dust out of carpets before vacuums were ubiquitous - the joke is of course that the man *really* wants to beat his wife. Ha ha ha ha ha sigh. 

Alan Scherstuhl
Alan Scherstuhl

Thanks, Ashamed Brit. I get the carpet beating; I just wasn't sure what the second meaning referred to: his penis or his wife. 

But please don't be ashamed! You Brits have quite an exchange rate to be proud of!

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