Ridiculous "How to Succeed With Women" Book Tells Guys to Wash Their Underpants & Quit Talking About Porn

Categories: Studies in Crap

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​Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

How to Succeed With Women

Authors: Ron Louis and David Copeland
Date: 1998
Publisher: Penguin/Putnam
Discovered at: San Francisco Public Library Book Sale

Questions This Cover Raises: Is that "succeed with women" in management terms, as in how to achieve success with a team that a generation before might not have included the women it does now, or is that "succeed with women" in zero-sum, winners-and-losers, each-woman-is-a-potential-bullet-point-in-your-sexual-C.V. terms?

Representative Quotes:

"The difference between men and women is shown clearly in a recent Cathy comic strip." (328)
"When the woman reacts to sex with all-out sobbing, stop having sex immediately. Hold her and find out what is going on. If you continue with sex, it will be trouble later." (311)

It's difficult to imagine the man for whom How to Succeed With Women was written. Authors Louis and Copeland presume he is confident enough to demand serious beauty and oral sex, and is the type who would be open to advice about "psyching up" for a date. They also presume he needs to be told this:

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​It's not easy to reconcile the cluelessness that advice implies with the cold calculation of other passages, such as the one that promises:
"You will have the occasional woman who seems strange and you are completely uninterested in her intellectually, while still being hot for her body. In these cases, you must move faster, take more risks, and either push the romance to its conclusion, or offend her and get her out of your life."

And what cocksman needs to be told not to talk to dates the same way he talks to his bros?

"When a guy drops something, for instance, it's a funny, bonding joke to say, 'way to drop that, bozo!' Among men, this is great humor, occasions for 'high-fives' all around."
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So, you, the ideal reader, are a dirty-briefed, stained-pantsed romance-faking lady-user who shouts insults at your friends appropriate for R-rated movie edited for 80s TV.

On occasion, the authors come up with serious, specific advice on how a guy might win a woman's trust: Touch her five times, with a non-sexual ease, during an initial "priming" date of 75 minutes or less; let her catch you checking out her body, in between long spells of looking into her eyes, so she knows that you are attracted to her at all levels.

But then, in a section titled "How to Write a Love Note That Makes Her Melt," they're right back to operating under the assumption that some aphasia has shut down whatever brain region keep you from shouting your sexual fantasies on buses. They advise that when writing a love note to a woman you are interested in romancing:

"Here's a few things to avoid commenting on.
How great her breasts look in a white t-shirt.
How her lips would be great for oral sex.
How great her ass looks in tight jeans.
How you wonder what she'll look like in the morning."
Elsewhere, they remind you to squeeze the hot coal of these horny faux pas into the glittering diamonds of romantic talk:
"Saying something like 'you have great tits' won't seem like a compliment. 'Your breasts are beautiful' will."
In fact, a love of compliments, they allege, are one of those things that makes women women:
"Along with compliments about their looks and specific body parts, all women want to know you enjoy being in bed with them."
If the phrase "all women" gives you pause, rest assured that Louis and Copeland recognize the great diversity that distinguishes the fairer sex:

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Next: Seductive language, things not to say in bed, and the seven habits of highly effective seducers

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Connnie333
Connnie333

The bar fighter/cat fighterThe performance artistWhatever Louis and Copeland learned about women they obviously gleaned from second rate action movies.  God help them if they ever encounter someone with a working non fictional vagina.

domino dancing
domino dancing

They included where to find stain remover. Of all the kinds of problem guys there are, I'm not sure where these dicks fit.

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