BDSM Duo Speaks Out Against Abuse Within the Kinky Community
San Francisco's BDSM and fetish communities have long prided themselves on being more than just an easy way to find a hookup. Of greater importance is a culture that emphasizes consent and mutual respect for boundaries. Two local activists and sex educators, Kitty Stryker and Maggie Mayhem, have caused a furor online by claiming that the community's adherence to these standards is far from perfect. 
Benjy Feen Kitty Stryker
In articles such as Stryker's "I Never Called It Rape" and Mayhem's "The Creepy Naked Guy in the Dungeon," they allege that the BDSM community regularly fails to prevent abuse or support survivors who speak out. Many of their fellow kinksters responded "Me, too!" but there have been at least as many critics claiming that they're making it up, failing to take responsibility, and causing division in the community.
On Thursday, Aug. 4, Stryker and Mayhem carry the discussion into the real world in a workshop titled "Safe/Ward" at the Center for Sex and Culture. We spoke with them about the issues surrounding the workshop.
What made you decide to start talking publicly about abuse in the BDSM community?
Maggie Mayhem: For me, it was a conversation that started out really normally. It was the "If I had a dime for every time I felt really uncomfortable in a playspace" talk. For the first time, I took that question literally, and I was really unsettled by the fact that I would have enough to go to the bank with. You know, all these little instances of times when a line had been very clearly crossed, and I was making excuses for the person because it didn't feel appropriate ... and I felt that it was my obligation to deal with the effects quietly, gracefully, and calmly.
Kitty Stryker: I started to think about experiences that I had called "crossed boundaries," or "lack of negotiation," or "bad communication," and then I stopped and said, "Well, wait a minute, no, they're sexual assault." It started to really bother me that I had so internalized that those experiences were just normal, that they were part of being a kinky woman in the scene.
Is sexual assault in the BDSM community specifically an issue about men on women, or do you see it crossing gender boundaries?
KS: At Kinky Salon London, we've had incidents with women, for example, biting people without asking or getting any kind of negotiation, and we've had to sit them down and say that's not acceptable, that's a clear violation of ask before you touch. I think one of the problems is that if we're silencing women who are getting this abuse from men, we're inherently silencing men who are having issues with women or with other men, and silencing women who have issues with women.
MM: It does cross all boundaries, because the notion is "Keep it quiet, because outside, they say BDSM is about abuse." And BDSM is not inherently about abuse. But in our need to protect ourselves from the outside, we kind of shut it down on the inside, and there are people of all genders that are stuck in these situations.
What, if anything, is the difference between how abuse is dealt with in BDSM communities vs. mainstream society?
Maggie Mayhem
MM: In the BDSM community, I worry about the fact that we don't have the same ability to contact the police. If I'm having a wine and cheese party at my house and there's a disruption or a situation that is moving into danger territory, I would feel more comfortable making the call.
KS: And that applies not only just to kink, but to other kinds of alt-sex as well. It's a nice walled garden that we live in sometimes, but it prevents us from being able to get other kinds of help.
What do you want the workshop to accomplish?
KS: We actually care about the community. And it really sucks to post something about my own personal experiences with nonconsent in the dungeon and have tons and tons of people say, "Oh, you too? Me too!" That's fucked! I would like to see that happen a lot less, and I would like to hear it talked about a lot more so that it happens a lot less.
MM: What I want to change the most is that a qualification to be in our community should not be whether or not you can suck it up. I don't get the sense that I can cut loose or really let myself get into a scene when I have to worry whether or not I'm doing 150 percent of the work in protecting myself.
Safe/Ward starts at 7 p.m. at the Center for Sex and Culture, 1349 Mission (at 10th St.). Admission is free, and counselors will be available for attendees.
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