Four Comic Books No Kids Would Ever Want, Including "Kool-Aid Man in Space" and "Archie's Holocaust"

Categories: Studies in Crap

studies_in_crap_comics_kool_cover.jpg
​Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man

Date: 1983
Publisher: Marvel

Questions This Cover Raises:

  • In space, can anybody hear you say "Oh, Yeah"?
  • When outfitting themselves for space travel, should kids choose jeans and short-sleeve turtlenecks?
  • When attempting to save the lives of children held hostage on a spaceship, is it sensible to burst through that ship's hull, thereby leaching away all oxygen, exposing everyone to ultraviolet radiation and explosive decompression, and consigning those children to a blue and bloated death afloat in the the cold vacuum of creation?

Kool-Aid Man has long been the exemplar of the most special breed of advertising characters: the kind who invite consumers to feast on their own guts. (See also Charlie Tuna, Twinkie the Kid, Mayor McCheese, and Jesus.)

What sets Kool-Aid Man apart is his habit of inviting us to drink of his flesh only after he has racked up some serious property damage.

studies_in_crap_comics_kool_property_damage.jpg

Maybe they can sell Kool-Aid at the bake sale they hold to fund a new ballpark.

Here we see Kool-Aid Man's headquarters, which seem to have been designed by the architectural firm of Short & Stout:

studies_in_crap_comics_kool_kopter.jpg

Yes, Kool-Aid Man has a chopper. Notice that he pilots it one-handed, as at all times he lugs about a pitcher full of himself.

Throughout this godawful comic, Kool-Aid Man battles the Thirsties, fiery yellow villains who for some reason enjoy nothing more than temporarily parching children -- a condition relievable only by beverage access. Here, Kool-Aid Man larks off into outer space to quench the thirst of kids trapped by Thirsties on an interstellar vessel.

studies_in_crap_comics_kool_jetpack.jpg

Immediately afterward, Kool-Aid Man's sugary innards -- exposed to temperatures only three degrees above absolute zero -- are heated to a boil. They then freeze, crystallize, and spill forth into the cosmos in a crimson (and diabetic) hailstorm.

Next: The Apocalypse, as drawn by an Archie artist


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Camp Kid
Camp Kid

Wow I didn't think I'd ever see that "There's a New World Coming" comic book again! In the summer of 1974 my mother sent me to a Christian sleep-away camp, and their canteen sold candy, soda, and these over the top Christian comic books. I remember buying the "New World" comic. It scared the crap out of me as an 8 yr old kid--I was convinced the world would end at any minute. I don't know what the adults at that camp were thinking selling these crap comics. Thanks for the blog post!!

T. Ryan Arnold
T. Ryan Arnold

Ha! I actually had that kool-aid comic book. I have no idea how or why.  wonder if it's still in the basement somewhere.

SavageSilence
SavageSilence

I totally owned that Kool Aid Man comic! And, I loved it! Are you seriously trying to be rational about Kool Aid Man?! He's meant to be ridiculous!

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download free movies

I think it's about 30 years too late on that one. While Boba Fett was really cool with kids who played with Star Wars action figures back in the 70's, it's not exactly like there is a market like with most Marvel Comics action heroes who have spanned generations.

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AmeliaMangan
AmeliaMangan

It is impossible - absolutely impossible - NOT to read Mark Steel's dialogue in the voice of Phil Hartman. Go ahead, try it. You can't do it, can you?

Travis
Travis

I hadn't thought of that before...but after reading that I can't stop hearing his voice.  Damn you... :)

Flemingrandolph
Flemingrandolph

Betty and Veronica go Jack T. Chick !. Who'da thunk it ?

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