Seven Sexy Smartphone Apps that Won't Break Your Heart
A friend of mine recently showed me an app called Dildroid on his phone. When you make the little Android fella longer, the phone's vibrate mechanism becomes stronger. It's pretty lame, but it got me wondering: What other sexy apps are out there?
~Buzzing in Appticipation
Let's be honest. Whenever technological advances are made, from ham radios to videogames, someone will devise a way to have sex with it. When it comes to smartphones in particular, nothing makes more sense to me than putting a $500 minicomputer in my vagina, as this Dildroid app suggests. So I'm happy to elucidate on Android apps that turn your phone into a sex toy and other fun-time equivalents. However, I don't own an Android, and my friends were curiously wary of letting me download pervy apps on their phones, so take these with a grain of digital salt. The apps listed below are free.
Also, because the Android market is unregulated, remember to use caution when downloading. In March, Google pulled 21 popular apps that were malware, several of which were sexual in nature. But you wouldn't think of downloading Screaming Sexy Japanese Girls anyway, right?
Anyway, without further adoin' it:
If you're a gay man, a bisexual, or a "family values" Republican trying to figure out where all the guys are, look no further than Grindr, which uses your phone's location to help you connect (literally) with guys who are near you and want to hook up. Creating a profile allows you to browse photos and send IMs or texts to like-minded (read: horny) men close by. It appears the latest update has people pissed off, if all the May 17 reviews are to believed, so be aware of potential crashes and slow load times.
Sadly (unsurprisingly), I can't seem to find a lesbian equivalent. There's an app called Qrushr, but it's showing up only for iPhone, and its reviews are terrible. One commenter even wrote: "I think Sarah Palin is the webmaster." Besides, a real lesbian hookup app would be called Cuddl. Just kidding, gals. I'd do you.
Truth or Dare
How many Truth or Dare parties were spoiled by the inevitable, "I don't know what to ask" from some uncreative or inebriated partygoer? Worry no more with this handy app that comes with hundreds of prompts, the ability to add your own to the mix, and "clean" and "dirty" modes to ensure you don't accidentally ask your Mormon friend to mime a blow job. One reviewer even exclaimed: "This app got me a threesome!" So there's that.
For a slightly less scintillating party game, exercise that other sex
organ -- your brain -- with Sex FAQ. Text your knowledge on all things
sex-related, and impress your date with statistics like how often Americans visit prostitutes. Besides, if sexy trivia is wrong, then I don't want to be right. But I still am.
There are far too many apps that purport to show you a bajillion sex positions. They include Kamasutra, and Cosmo's Sex Positions. I'm including them somewhat begrudgingly because if your sex is that boring that you feel you need to add acrobatic feats to your repertoire, then I'd encourage you to just go swing on a trapeze already. Maybe I'm just bitter that I was never able to conquer the Anxious Manatee.
For straight up (or gay up) porn, you'd be remiss not to check out MiKandi.com, which has a whole market of adult-only apps. The site is perfect for watching porn on the smallest screen imaginable, virtual ogling and games such as Strip Black Jack. Let's not forget the nuanced, self-referential "Jiggly Tits Live Wallpaper." (I can't wait for the sequel!)
When you need tough love sex advice, the Savage Love app, SLAPP, is here to help. Search for conundrums by topic, such as dominatrix, pegging, or cuckolding; read Dan Savage's weekly column; or access his podcast
library. There's even an option labeled "Buy Dan," which involves buying Dan a sandwich, probably.
Hot Sex Stories
If you're in the market for some mobile erotica, check out Hot Sex Stories. Choose from thousands of tales of tail, courtesy of literotica.com. The categories are plentiful enough to whet everybody's appetite, including topics such as BDSM, loving wives, masturbation, nonhuman (not sure if that means Edward Cullen or Flipper), fetish, toys, and even the quixotic "non-erotic" option.
After devoting several hours to this pursuit, I can say with some confidence that there are a barrage of sexy apps that are beyond pointless. Kegel Exercises comes to mind. Really? Because you need a phone to tell you when
to contract your own muscles? If so, then might I also interest you in downloading my newly invented app? It's called Common
Sense, and it'll cost you a lot of money.