Sexercises: 10 Wonderfully Weird (and Upsetting) Discoveries at a Library Book Sale

Categories: Studies in Crap

8. From 1983's Pratiquer L'Americain, which devotes chapters to wanna and gonna, this cute exchange is meant to aid French speakers in our conversations:


9. On the subject of Disney, let's enjoy Disney Store Traditions, a photocopied training guide for employees -- I mean "cast members" -- at the sideburn-measuringest place on Earth!

The chapter "The Disney Look" stipulates that men's hair must not extend past the collar, that sideburns must stay north of the earlobe, and that "'natural' or 'afro' styles are acceptable provided they are neatly packed and shaped."

And for ladies:
"It is our policy to encourage the use of make-up, within the guidelines described below, to enhance features and create a fresh, natural appearance."
"Only one ring per hand except as part of wedding sets."
Only earrings specified as part of a costume are allowed.
"Bras must be worn at all times."
And here's how Disney employees are trained to view their customers:

As cruel shrews, sea witches, and cigar-smoking babies who exist only to be pressured into sales.

10. Ladies' clothing also gets some serious attention in Eric Weber's ridiculous How to Pick Up Girls, a pure 1970s fantasy that purports to get the layman laid, man.

Your Crap Archivist has more thoroughly examined an earlier edition of this book elsewhere. Still, this copy offers something none other does: much eager underlining from a prospective poonhound.


The poor schlub even penned notes inside the back cover! First, some pick-up lines:


I've stared and stared, and I truly believe that says "That dimple on your left face is absolutely sensational."

Then, some general advice:


Seriously, he has "be aloof + cool" right by "be friendly," "ask advice," "use name a lot," and "talk dirty."

Here's my go at crafting a pick-up line that fulfills all of these requirements:

"Debra, were I to deign to notice you, I'm so sure that we would hit it off that I would ask you to help me to figure out how best to give you the jolly good bedding you ache for, Debra."
Thanks, San Francisco! I hope you have all these great books you donated on your Nooks and Kindles! And don't forget: Your dimples are sensational!

Hey, you could do worse than following @studiesincrap or @ExhibitionistSF on the Twitter thing.

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Now imagine that the handwritten notes belong to a young Ted Bundy... Makes it much creepier.


That's "left KNEE".

Though I'm not sure that really improves the overall line any.

Alan Scherstuhl
Alan Scherstuhl

Oh, I think that's it. Thanks!

Now, to find some ladies with sensational knee dimples and make some magic happen!

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